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0:23

Hi, my name is John Kim. I'm a therapist who

0:26

went through his own rebirth many years ago, and

0:28

I've been documenting my journey ever since,

0:30

sharing my life lessons and revelations. I

0:32

believe in casual over clinical with you

0:34

instead of at you. I

0:36

come unrehearsed on purpose because

0:39

self-help doesn't have to be so complicated. First,

0:43

I just want to apologize in advance for

0:46

the quality of this audio. Maybe, I don't

0:48

know, because the phones are

0:50

amazing these days, but I'm on the go,

0:53

as usual. And I'm doing

0:55

this episode in my car, using

0:57

voice memo instead of the fancy

1:00

microphone. But I'm

1:02

doing this because I really believe,

1:05

at least for me, because I document and

1:07

I'm three times a week. Being three times a

1:09

week short form, by the way, I feel like

1:11

I have a little more slack, a little more

1:14

forgiveness from you if quality

1:16

is poor or you can't connect to the

1:18

episode. It's like, I'll just see you the

1:20

day after tomorrow. Maybe, maybe

1:22

not. I don't know. Hopefully. What

1:27

was I talking about? Oh, shit.

1:30

Sorry. I get ahead of myself a

1:32

lot. I'm like

1:34

a 10-year-old with ADD and too

1:36

many toys. So, oh,

1:44

oh, okay. Okay. I know what I

1:46

was going to say. I think it's

1:48

more important that when I have a

1:50

revelation or if there's something that I

1:52

want to say or channel, something kind

1:54

of from soul or passion, that

1:56

I strike in the moment. And I

1:59

think that's greater than production. production value, you know,

2:03

it's like, it's like, it's

2:05

like, if you want to kiss someone, you know,

2:07

if you wait too long, even if

2:09

it's just a few minutes and that that

2:11

moment passes, it's you

2:13

know, the, they may kiss you back, but the

2:15

magic may not be there, you know, or you

2:17

may not be feeling it. And so there's this kind of

2:19

like, disconnect. And I feel like

2:21

with content,

2:24

podcasts, social media, all this stuff,

2:27

everything under the umbrella of documentation,

2:29

there is a purity

2:32

in striking with while the iron is

2:34

hot. And this is why sometimes I

2:36

am doing lives behind dumpsters, and I'm

2:39

sweaty. And I just kind of turn

2:41

the mic on and go, Okay, anyway,

2:44

Kristen Bell. I was

2:46

listening to her on a podcast. And by the

2:48

way, can I just say Kristen Bell and Dax

2:51

Shepard, I don't know them personally. But I

2:54

feel like they've, they've kind

2:56

of redefined what a power

2:58

couple looks like. I

3:00

know in the 90s, you know, with the whole

3:03

brand, Brad, Brad, Brandon,

3:06

Brandon, Nina, God,

3:10

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, all

3:12

these other power couples. It

3:15

seemed like then the definition of power

3:18

couple was like, status, fame,

3:20

you know, power as far as

3:22

like, influence, I don't

3:25

know about influence, but like, it

3:28

was more shiny surface based, I

3:30

think, right, kind of more, more, more

3:33

status driven. I think

3:36

today, and I think that Dax Shepard

3:38

and Kristen Bell are great examples of

3:40

this. The power couple has

3:42

more to do with who

3:45

they are as people. And then of course,

3:47

as a couple, how they show

3:49

up in the world, what they stand for, not

3:52

just that they are they're,

3:54

they're famous, successful, wealthy, whatever. So

3:58

I really, I think admire them

4:00

I applaud the

4:02

way that they show up in the world. Like if, okay,

4:06

imagine pistons of a car, right? Imagine

4:10

that each piston is like integrity,

4:12

character, intelligence, you

4:15

know, all these kind

4:17

of like qualities. They're

4:20

each in like a V12 machine, meaning

4:26

12 pistons popping simultaneously.

4:28

So them combined,

4:31

I feel like is like, it's

4:33

just so powerful. All

4:36

right, enough with the analogies. She

4:39

was talking about how with her

4:42

career that she only

4:45

works in Los Angeles because

4:47

she wants to be there for her children. And she

4:49

won't leave and she

4:51

will only, and

4:55

I was thinking to myself, wow, I'm

4:59

the opposite, I want to

5:02

leave. And

5:04

I felt very, for a minute, I felt very

5:06

guilty. Like with her, she's

5:08

putting family above everything, including

5:13

career. And

5:16

my thought was like, oh, I find an

5:18

opportunity where my career takes me, whether it's

5:20

a speaking gig or whatever that takes me

5:22

out, I get to travel, I get to

5:25

go to Portugal or New Zealand or whatever.

5:27

And they're gonna pay for it. Like

5:30

that's, I would go, I mean,

5:32

that's something I dream of. I

5:35

don't think I would stay. But

5:40

listen, I'm also, I don't wanna judge

5:42

myself, right? And

5:45

it's less about our choices. To me,

5:47

the admiration came from

5:49

her saying, she

5:52

doesn't even fantasize because of course she's

5:55

human. I'm sure she fantasizes about different,

5:57

working in different parts of the world

5:59

with different. different directors

6:02

and people. But

6:05

she doesn't even allow herself that

6:07

fantasy because she is so she

6:12

is convinced and so determined

6:14

to spend

6:17

time with her children. And also, I think

6:19

she was talking about how she

6:23

becomes a different person if she's if

6:26

for whatever reason on set things aren't

6:28

efficient, and she's not getting home on

6:30

time, you know, which means

6:32

it's very important for her to get home and spend time with children.

6:35

So and also considering projects how long

6:37

they are each day, and then

6:40

determining the yes or no

6:42

based on, you know, the if it's a

6:44

10 hour day or 16 hour day or

6:46

whatever. So all things point toward this

6:49

crazy discipline and hard,

6:53

a hard line that I think is coming

6:55

from her wanting to

6:57

be the best

6:59

mom and wife and all

7:01

of these things and that are important to her.

7:03

And it just it checked me because I don't

7:08

know how much discipline I have in my

7:11

life when it comes to my

7:14

values, my character, it made

7:16

me kind of fall into this thought

7:19

spinning this like spinning thought of

7:26

in my I mean, fuck do I do

7:28

I have a strong?

7:33

Do I have lines, you know, am I, it

7:36

reminds me of my old self, when

7:38

I used to be miserable fuck, where

7:41

I talk a lot about exchanging truth or

7:43

membership. Where

7:48

I was so you know, I was I

7:50

was I was flimsy, I didn't have a

7:52

spine, I didn't have a sense

7:54

of self, I didn't have things I believed in, I

7:56

didn't have things I stood for, you know, and I'm

8:00

wondering now as a 51 year

8:02

old and with a almost five year old

8:06

partner and you know the whole

8:08

picket fence thing, am

8:11

I still that way? And if I am, then

8:15

I feel gross.

8:18

I feel like I haven't grown, you know? And

8:20

so the check is, and this is by the

8:22

way, she checked me twice, this is only the

8:24

first check. So the check is

8:27

like, it's not me trying to

8:29

compare myself to her. It's me admiring

8:34

someone's discipline and priorities

8:36

and values and

8:39

then asking myself if I also

8:44

have some of those in my life and if I do

8:46

have some, so we should all have some hard

8:48

lines, right? Some non-negotiables and

8:51

what are they? And I

8:53

had trouble thinking about what they were. Now

8:55

obviously, daughter,

8:59

families, I mean, yeah, they're priorities for

9:01

me, of course, but like to what

9:03

extent am I really

9:09

making a daily effort to consider

9:13

my actions and my

9:15

decisions based on how

9:17

it's impacting family,

9:19

kids, all of that, you know? How much am I doing that

9:22

or am I at all, right? And there

9:24

was a part of me that kind of felt like, fuck, am

9:26

I selfish? Am I even, you know,

9:28

like, am I even a good dad? I

9:31

fell into that slippery wall. So

9:34

you know, it's something that I don't have answers to that I'm going

9:36

to sit with, but I kind of

9:39

felt like I was meant to hear that interview for me to

9:41

start thinking about those things. They

9:43

are important to me. And then the

9:45

other check was, by

9:48

the way, I'm dripping sweat because I had the

9:50

windows rolled up and because I want the sound

9:52

to be good. And so I feel like I'm

9:55

parked in that parking lot and I'm just

9:57

got sweat. I'm just ball sweat and just.

10:00

I did just work out too. So that

10:02

definitely, the runway was already there, but now

10:05

it's like 80 degrees in my

10:07

car, window, all the windows rolled

10:09

up. If I was an animal, then someone would call

10:11

the police. You know what I'm saying? If

10:14

I was a dog. All right. The second

10:16

check came with me

10:19

thinking about her IQ. I

10:23

mean, not IQ, or EQ, or EQ, because

10:26

I feel like she's

10:30

the kind of person, and again, I don't

10:32

know her. I met Dax once, I was

10:34

on his podcast. We talked

10:36

mostly about how I had sex with a plum when

10:38

I was 12, which was, I think,

10:41

was meant to be for that space,

10:43

and it was great. But

10:48

I don't feel like I got to know him,

10:51

or he got to know me in that space.

10:53

I think it was more about, because

10:57

I don't think that it feels

10:59

like an apple pie, and in

11:01

that movie, American Pie, where you

11:04

walk in on him and he has a pie in

11:06

his crotch, he's having, who does that? I was like,

11:08

I was 12, and I knew that it didn't

11:10

feel like that. You know what I'm saying? So I cut a hole

11:12

in a plum. Anyway, she

11:15

seems like the kind of person where, let's

11:18

say you run into her. Don't know

11:20

that she's famous, and because of, I

11:23

don't know, literally run into her, and then she spills

11:25

coffee on you or something, and

11:27

then you get all mad. She

11:30

seems like the kind of person that

11:32

would, and this happens lightning

11:34

fast, based on your,

11:36

and let's say you overreact, you know, you call her

11:39

names or whatever, she seems like the kind of person

11:41

that would think about

11:44

the response, right? Take the beat,

11:47

how does her response, how

11:50

is this response gonna line up with who I

11:52

am, who I wanna be? How is it gonna

11:54

line up with, even

11:58

like on a spiritual plane? all

12:01

these things, you know, even

12:04

considering family. And

12:06

of course it happens in the millisecond, but I feel

12:09

like that ability, that

12:11

kind of capacity is very high for

12:13

her. I mean,

12:15

I define EQ as

12:18

one's, I mean, in a nutshell, one's

12:23

ability to respond instead of react, right? And

12:26

then on top of that, where

12:29

the activation is

12:31

coming from, one determining

12:33

and saying that I'm

12:35

responsible for

12:40

my response, and

12:42

not only am I responsible for my

12:45

response, but I'm also responsible

12:49

for investigating where

12:51

the reaction would be coming

12:54

from, right, exploring the activation,

12:57

following that string down to

12:59

my story, my

13:01

shortcomings, my wounds, my

13:03

childhood, just everything, and

13:07

then taking that and learning and growing

13:09

from that. I mean, that's

13:13

EQ, that ability, right? And

13:15

I feel like hers is very high. And

13:19

then so I thought to myself, I'm

13:22

a fucking therapist, I learn this shit, I

13:24

help others, maybe

13:27

it's time I check in with my EQ. And

13:30

again, not comparing, I don't know

13:32

her. Maybe

13:34

she throws chairs and shit, I don't know, but

13:37

I don't think she does. And

13:40

I'm reactive still.

13:44

And when I fight, I'm defensive. And

13:46

I'm very impatient

13:49

with baristas. And

13:51

I always have to, it's

13:54

like after the fact when I'm in my car, the

13:56

drive home is what sucks for me because I then

13:58

feel guilty. And

14:01

I've been at this since

14:04

my divorce nearly 20 years

14:06

ago, my rebirth,

14:08

and I still

14:10

snap back. You know, and

14:12

so the check is like, I

14:16

think we should all and I think it should be like every

14:19

six months. Because

14:21

because to check in with our, our

14:24

emotional intelligence and to see if we're actually

14:26

working on that shit because, you

14:29

know, we weigh ourselves, we check in

14:31

with our personal trainers and our

14:33

astrologist, just and what who else do we

14:36

check in with we check in with, you

14:39

know, all the people who are going to make

14:41

us accountable for growth. But

14:46

we don't really I mean, I guess if you're seeing a

14:48

therapist, you might but we don't really do this kind of

14:53

review, review on self, right,

14:55

where you're like, how

14:57

much have I really grown, you know,

14:59

as far as EQ, as far

15:01

as am I responding or reacting?

15:03

Am I showing up in a

15:05

way that lines up with who

15:08

I want to be? Or have

15:10

I snap back? You know, have I

15:13

been lazy? Have

15:16

I not been putting reps in because EQ

15:19

does require tons of reps, like

15:21

anything else, like like transformation, like

15:23

transferring your body, transforming your body?

15:27

It's not just, you know, downloading

15:30

information, it's the actual practice of it.

15:33

Have I been, as they say, doing the work? And

15:37

so Kristen

15:40

Bell was a catalyst for me this morning listening to her

15:42

in her interview and asking myself

15:44

I have and, you know, I'm gonna

15:46

get back into therapy. I've been

15:49

off. I mean,

15:51

you know, on and off, but I

15:53

haven't seen a therapist in a long time and

15:55

I should and of course I tell people, you

15:57

know, therapists always say like, they're

16:00

should be not

16:02

just when you need it or

16:05

you're going through a transition in your

16:07

life, but just like you're

16:09

going to the gym, it should just be a weekly

16:11

thing, right? You just file it under mental health.

16:16

And I'm totally guilty of not doing that. I

16:19

tell people they should do that, but

16:22

I have not been doing that myself. And

16:24

so I'm gonna get back into therapy. I'm

16:26

about to go right at this

16:29

coffee shop, which

16:32

is why I'm in this parking lot. And I'm going to

16:36

make eye contact with people.

16:38

And I'm gonna try to smile. I'm

16:40

gonna say thank you. I'm gonna be kinder and

16:42

more patient to the barista. And

16:45

these are all things that I've been working on for years. And

16:48

I feel like I've

16:51

been lazy. I feel like I

16:53

haven't been showing up. I've been

16:56

kind of on cruise control, autopilot,

16:58

distracted, trying

17:00

to build things and build

17:03

reach and all that. And I don't

17:07

want to slip away from the

17:09

original intention from

17:11

my rebirth, which is to be

17:14

more present and a better person. I think

17:16

we can all drift

17:19

from that when we get obsessed with

17:22

business and

17:24

trying to grow all of that.

17:26

So anyway,

17:29

thank you to Kristen Bell and

17:33

also to Dax Shepard, the

17:36

new definition of a power couple, in

17:38

my opinion. Thank you

17:40

for listening. Be well. Hey,

17:42

if you're interested in unconventional

17:46

therapy slash coaching, I invite you to come

17:48

hang with me for three days in Los

17:50

Angeles. My motto is if we're

17:52

gonna talk about life, let's do life while we're talking,

17:54

using the city as a canvas.

17:58

Part of it is processing. Part

18:00

of it is somatic experiences. It's kind

18:02

of the same tone and take I

18:04

do with my retreats except one

18:07

person, just you and me, I

18:09

also bring on a team. So you have

18:11

a team at your disposal while I take

18:13

you through everything from

18:16

fitness to ice plunges to

18:18

sound baths, somatic work, rock

18:20

climbing. And of course,

18:22

we have one-on-one deeper

18:24

conversations and process along the way.

18:27

You can find out more info on my

18:30

website at theangrytherapist.com. Just

18:33

hit the top tab there or front

18:35

and center on my bio link

18:37

on my Instagram. Hope to see

18:39

you in LA.