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my name is John Kim. I'm a therapist who went

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through his own rebirth many years ago, and I've

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been documenting my journey ever since, sharing

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my life lessons and revelations. I believe

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in casual over clinical with you instead

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of at you. I come

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unrehearsed on purpose because self-help

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doesn't have to be so complicated. I

0:44

want to start with a quote today. This is

0:46

by James Hollis. It

0:48

is no accident that the primary

0:51

motive, the hidden agenda in any

0:53

relationship is the

0:55

yearning to return. And

1:00

the way that I interpret this is

1:02

the return, is the return to self. What

1:05

I think is really interesting about

1:07

relationships, on

1:10

one hand, I think it's

1:13

what makes relationships still so difficult,

1:15

but also I think there's

1:17

a miracle in this. And that is that

1:21

after the attraction, of course,

1:23

after the honeymoon stage, there's going to be

1:25

contrast. There's going to be differences. There's going

1:28

to be things you

1:30

discover about this person that

1:32

activate you. And I'm not just

1:34

talking about the way that

1:37

he doesn't put the toothpaste

1:39

cap back on or her

1:43

spending habit or his dirty socks on

1:45

the floor or the way that she

1:47

chews. I'm talking about activation

1:49

from childhood

1:52

wounds. I'm talking about activation

1:54

from different attachment styles.

1:57

That kind of stuff, right? Stuff that is tied to our...

2:00

story. If

2:02

you don't work through that activation,

2:04

then of course the

2:08

relationship dies, you run

2:10

or numb,

2:13

find someone else, and

2:15

this pattern happens where you just,

2:17

the only thing that changes is

2:19

faces, right? If

2:22

you work through the activation using

2:24

your relationship as it

2:28

would be like an emotional

2:31

mental gym, if you will, right? Putting

2:33

in a lot of reps, reviewing

2:36

your story and why you do what you

2:38

do. And as

2:40

two people work through this activation, then on

2:43

the other side of that, because

2:45

what happens is then the relationship

2:47

container they build becomes greater than

2:49

its parts, the relationship becomes not

2:53

only safe but healing. And this is

2:55

what I believe is the miracle of

2:57

relationships. The

3:00

relationship that you build with someone, assuming

3:03

it's healthy and people are working on

3:05

themselves as well as

3:07

the relationship, it

3:10

starts to heal people. It gives

3:12

people corrective experiences. And

3:14

the return, I think James Hollis

3:16

is talking about is this

3:20

piece where as

3:22

you heal in relationships, you start to return

3:24

back to self. The

3:27

relationship itself can disconnect you,

3:31

especially early on if the relationship isn't

3:34

healthy. But

3:36

if you learn how to repair

3:38

from ruptures, if you learn how

3:40

to communicate and

3:43

process, and if both

3:45

of you work on the relationship, on

3:47

the other side of this, there's

3:49

a connection to self. I

3:52

think it's one of the most beautiful things about relationships

3:54

because it reminds me of the circle

3:58

of life. Anyway,

4:02

this is called, Don't Ask Yourself

4:04

What You've Learned From Your Relationships.

4:07

As we explore and work through our

4:09

attachment and childhood wounds, by

4:12

the way, this is by

4:14

me, written by me, understanding how

4:16

that shows up in who we

4:18

choose to love and how we

4:20

love as we understand the value

4:22

of love, the miracle, and

4:24

that it is earned and in

4:26

order to experience it, we must

4:28

continuously work on our relationship with

4:30

self, healing and growing and

4:33

taking ownership, which is a lifelong journey.

4:36

We must also start to look back

4:38

and ask ourselves what we

4:40

have learned from all our expired relationships.

4:43

We cannot reposition

4:45

ourselves for

4:48

new love if we haven't learned from our

4:50

previous love. But

4:53

don't ask yourself what you've learned.

4:55

Instead, ask yourself what those relationships

4:57

have taught you. I

4:59

know it's subtle, but there's a difference and it's huge.

5:03

When you ask yourself what you've

5:05

learned, ego can kick in, right? Ego

5:07

can hijack you. He

5:10

didn't learn shit, so why should I, right? What

5:14

did you learn can feel forced and

5:17

be lined with a reprimanding, pushing

5:20

your face in spilled milk. You

5:22

did something wrong or more damaging. There's something

5:24

wrong with you. It

5:27

leaves room for a harshness, which

5:29

leads to close, closed

5:31

fists and resistance. Now,

5:34

on the other hand, what

5:36

did the relationship teach you, right? If you

5:38

ask yourself, what did the relationship teach me,

5:41

that releases ego and sets you higher.

5:44

It gives you a breath, a

5:46

reset. It grants you acceptance,

5:49

helps remove the urge to rip out that chapter of

5:51

your life. There

5:53

is a reason or there was a reason and

5:57

that's the key that unlocks. Knowing

5:59

that there was a reason. If

6:02

you don't believe the relationship has taught you

6:04

anything about yourself or love, then

6:07

there's no reason, right? And then without a reason, it

6:09

was a waste. You want to rip out that chapter,

6:12

all that hurt and pain for what? Obligated

6:15

sex and shared chores? You

6:18

must know the reason why this person

6:20

came into your life and

6:23

why you came into theirs. And

6:25

the way into that is

6:27

to know what the relationship has taught you. This

6:31

knowing slash reason is what will

6:33

get you to accept, to

6:36

forgive, to embrace, to

6:39

feel gratitude for, to truly

6:41

let go. And finally, to love

6:46

again. What

6:48

did that relationship teach you? What

6:52

did that relationship teach you? What

6:55

did that relationship teach you? Hey,

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9:39

here are some of my expired relationships

9:41

or here are some lessons from my

9:43

expired relationships and

9:45

now listen there's

9:47

a thousand micro lessons in every relationship

9:49

but here are the main ones that

9:53

have changed my love. Remember

9:55

the more specific the better. So in my 20s.

10:00

Here's the lesson. The lightning may

10:02

actually be a dysfunction. My

10:05

first dance with love and relationships

10:07

were predictable like so many. I

10:10

chased feelings and loved with my

10:12

eyes believing those feelings would carry

10:14

us. I thought I could

10:16

see why I was attracted to someone but had

10:18

no idea there was something more powerful running

10:21

underneath that drew us. The

10:23

lightning in the bottle was

10:25

actually dysfunction in animalistic predator,

10:28

prey, Al-Anon addict, instinct

10:30

hardwired from our stories.

10:33

I was attracted to women I could

10:35

control but also would take care of

10:37

me emotionally and sexually. Women who had

10:40

something taken from them as a child,

10:42

maybe their voice, their

10:44

childhood, their virginity, and it wired

10:47

them a certain way. They

10:50

became prey and I was the

10:53

predator. The

10:55

purpose of my early relationships was to

10:57

teach me this. It was

10:59

like learning the world was round. What

11:02

I thought was a cape was actually kryptonite. It

11:05

changed everything, how I saw love

11:08

and the absolute power of what

11:10

I call today the sticky. This

11:13

learning was the beginning of me

11:15

examining attraction to make sure it's coming from

11:18

a healthy place so

11:20

I can make better choices. If not,

11:22

love will always be reckless. So

11:25

the teaching in my 20s was

11:30

knowing what kind of people I was drawn to

11:32

and what kind of people were drawn to me

11:36

because that gave me the gift

11:38

of choice. Now

11:41

my 30s, what

11:44

I learned or the topic was

11:47

is a playground or a prison.

11:50

So let me explain. My 30s

11:52

is when I learned how to give women

11:54

orgasms. I was officially, it was

11:56

officially the sex ed chapter of my life.

11:59

Love taught. me the sensitivities of a woman's

12:01

body but also that women can

12:04

have just as high libido

12:06

as men, if not higher.

12:08

Love taught me about the fantasies and

12:10

roleplay and kink and that sex could

12:12

be a vast playground without

12:14

shame and stigma. You

12:16

can turn the lights on. Toys don't make

12:18

you less than. But it

12:21

also taught me that there is a ringing

12:23

bell. We have to go back to class

12:25

or sex can be a way to numb

12:27

and hide from life and

12:30

true intimacy. Sex can be consuming,

12:32

turning love into skin hunger instead

12:34

of soul connections. Both

12:36

can exist but also

12:38

both must exist

12:42

or the playground turns into a prison and

12:44

love is never free or

12:47

hits higher notes. So

12:49

the teaching in my 30s was

12:52

knowing what is

12:54

healthy sexual expression, right? Coming

12:56

from self-love connection and expression

13:00

and what is quixin coming

13:02

from addiction. In

13:06

my 40s what I learned about or

13:08

what love taught me

13:10

was ruptures and

13:12

repair and the importance of them, especially

13:16

the repair. My 40s

13:18

is when I truly experienced repair

13:20

and the healing power of it.

13:22

Repairing emotional ruptures is where corrective

13:24

love experiences truly live. Most

13:27

especially in our early years do not have

13:29

the ability to repair in a healthy way.

13:32

I know I didn't. In my

13:34

relationship before Vanessa who I met

13:36

at age 44, yes

13:39

fights were addressed but

13:41

were they truly repaired?

13:43

And as I'm reading this think about all

13:45

your previous relationships and ask or maybe

13:47

the one that you're in now are

13:49

the fights actually

13:52

repaired or are

13:55

they just pushed aside? Are they

13:57

ignored? Is it

13:59

just patching? work that's happening, right? I have

14:02

a horrible habit of talking

14:04

things to death, or at least until

14:06

I feel it's resolved, but in

14:09

actuality I was just dumping on my partner. This

14:12

was the pattern, this was usually the

14:14

pattern. In order

14:16

for healing to occur, people need to

14:18

feel safe, heard, and understood. Usually

14:20

we suppress, minimize, and overrule, leaving

14:23

our partner to feel the complete

14:25

opposite. Or

14:28

we compartmentalize and ignore the true

14:30

issue. There's

14:32

just a lot of fashwork, as I was saying. Both

14:35

parties need to feel even closer and

14:40

more trust after the argument. I want

14:42

to explain this a little bit. You

14:45

know, fights can actually heal us. As

14:48

long as we're fighting without fighting, as long as the fights

14:50

are healthy, and we

14:52

are using tools to communicate, and pulling

14:54

from compassion, and empathy, and love, and

14:56

not fear, fights can

15:01

be the medicine. You know, fights can heal

15:03

us. They can give us corrective

15:05

experiences, I mean, after

15:07

the fight. And what

15:09

that can produce, what fights can produce is

15:12

understanding and trust. If

15:15

that's not happening, then it's just a

15:17

matter of time before the plane

15:20

goes down, you know? I

15:25

think both parties need to feel even

15:28

closer and more trust after every

15:30

argument. If not, the

15:33

rupture was not repaired. So the

15:35

learning in my 40s was

15:37

without the ability to repair, and that ability

15:39

is both our own

15:41

responsibility to work on, not just one

15:43

person, the relationship will

15:45

never deepen and then grow. In

15:49

my 50s, love is greater. This is

15:51

the learning. And listen, I'm only 51,

15:55

but I am technically in my 50s, and

15:57

I'm learning that love is greater than my

15:59

own wants. needs and desires. It doesn't mean

16:01

for me to ignore them. I'm not saying

16:03

that we should self abandon, right? Of course

16:05

we all have desires and needs and wants

16:08

and they're all very important. It

16:10

just means that there's more to love.

16:12

Love, healthy love, with

16:14

autonomy, safety and trust,

16:17

built into the fabric, not

16:19

just the foundation over time,

16:22

then allowing that blanket to heal you,

16:25

lifts the love and rewires you from

16:27

the inside out. Assuming

16:30

both parties are actively working on themselves,

16:32

the love then grows greater than its

16:34

parts. The kite is now

16:36

in the sky and doesn't require the sprint. What

16:39

forms is a spiritual container.

16:43

Fights that felt like life or death

16:45

seemed petty. We learn

16:47

how to self-soothe and re-parent. We

16:50

connect back to ourselves through the relationship,

16:53

which initially pulled us apart from self.

16:56

We partner instead of possess. Love

16:59

grows up or more accurately

17:01

love grows us up, or

17:04

more accurately than that, love heals

17:06

us. And

17:08

this is what I'm learning about love, that

17:12

the miracle of love in relationships, and

17:15

I'm not saying that it's easy, is

17:17

that it can heal you. And

17:20

it took me

17:22

many decades to learn this, but this

17:24

is where I'm at today. And if

17:27

you believe this, if you experience

17:29

this, there

17:31

is this kind of tipping point where I believe

17:34

not only is

17:37

love like something like an action or something that

17:39

we not only want but give, but

17:42

we become love. I think there's a tipping

17:45

point where, and listen,

17:47

it's not like I'm in that state. I might

17:50

have kind of tapped into it here and

17:52

there. I'm still at the early stages, but

17:55

I have this theory that if

17:58

you are building... healthy

18:01

relationship not only with your partner

18:03

but yourself. Over

18:06

time I think there's a tipping point where it's

18:08

not even about loving someone but

18:11

it's just about about being love,

18:13

right? That love. You start

18:15

to become love. I know it sounds kind of abstract

18:17

but I think

18:20

that's the spirit

18:22

of love. I think that's the

18:25

higher notes. I think that's what's created

18:28

when we learn all our love lessons

18:30

from all our expiring relationships and we

18:33

start to bring someone healthier to the

18:35

table. Anyway

18:37

thank you for listening and if

18:41

you have time I would love a review

18:43

on my podcast. It's something I know that

18:45

I should ask for and I know that

18:47

it's hard to review podcasts because who's got

18:49

the time but I'd really

18:51

appreciate a review and if

18:54

any of these words landed

18:56

for you today share

18:59

it with someone who you think needs to hear this. Thank

19:01

you for listening. Be well. Hey,

19:03

if you're interested in unconventional

19:06

therapy slash coaching, I invite you to come

19:08

hang with me for three days in Los

19:10

Angeles. My motto is if we're

19:12

gonna talk about life, let's do life while we're talking,

19:15

using the city as a canvas.

19:18

Part of it is processing. Part of

19:20

it is somatic experiences. It's kind of

19:22

the same tone and take I do

19:24

with my retreats except one

19:27

person just you and me. I also

19:30

bring on a team so you have a

19:32

team at your disposal while I take you

19:34

through everything from

19:36

fitness to ice plunges to

19:38

sound baths, somatic work, rock

19:40

climbing and of course

19:42

we have one-on-one deeper

19:44

conversations and process along the way.

19:48

You can find out more info

19:50

on my website at theangrytherapist.com. Just

19:53

hit the top tab there or front

19:55

and center on my bio link on

19:58

my Instagram. Hope to see you in LA. with

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