0:00

Dear diary, today

0:03

after returning from a little

0:05

midday feeding sash, I found

0:07

myself locked at a luminot

0:10

tower. Victor explained that

0:12

in the future all you

0:14

have to do is cut

0:16

the power to the electromagnetic

0:18

lock at these four junction

0:20

points around the neighborhood. Here

0:23

is a handy little map of those spots, just

0:26

for my future reference. I

0:31

said, isn't this

0:33

a considerable security vulnerability?

0:36

And he was like, well, just

0:38

don't tell anybody. God,

0:41

I hope nobody ever finds

0:43

this journal. Thank

1:59

you. The

2:03

three of you are standing in the

2:05

Ghost Light Pub with Pierre Reynolds and

2:08

the city of Lumino is

2:11

looking for you. You can hear footsteps

2:14

down alleyways. You can see the

2:16

unconscious bodies of three of the

2:19

four barbershop quartet singers who came

2:21

pounding on your door. Through

2:25

that door and the windows on the western side of

2:27

the Ghost Light Pub, things

2:29

are a light both with the

2:31

flames licking off of the wreckage

2:34

of Dragula and

2:36

also the amber searchlight which

2:39

is shooting downward

2:41

in a golden column right outside

2:43

the door of the pub.

2:46

Let's roll for initiative. Yeah. Travis,

2:49

I took your

2:52

suggestion. I got a big

2:54

dry erase board for this one. Yeah,

2:56

hell yeah, dude. To help keep track

2:58

of things. It's and

3:00

I get to do little doodles like Ziggy and

3:02

shit. Yeah, you can write

3:05

all your promise keeper notes up

3:07

there. Yeah, some of my favorite

3:09

Bible verses. How many of your

3:11

chastity plans? I'm

3:13

a ten initiative. Chastity plan seems easy to

3:15

write down, doesn't it? Don't.

3:19

Don't. Okay. You

3:23

still have your promise rings, guys. You

3:26

still have your promise rings. I never had

3:28

a promise ring again. I kept my promise

3:30

at least twice. Two

3:34

kids, two promises kept. Okay,

3:40

I still wear my promise ring but not where you think.

3:44

Gross. All right. It's

3:47

not fair when I do jokes for so long

3:49

that Travis has to go with a better one,

3:52

put a rip off. To

3:55

set up what you all are seeing for our

3:57

listeners at home, you

4:00

have I have a pretty good lay of the land that's

4:02

de-draculous, incredible map. I have a time I see the car.

4:05

What's right, the car? Okay, so I couldn't find

4:08

like a wreck. It's like a four focus or

4:10

something. It's like a wreck, there's like a flaming,

4:13

a flaming humdah. One

4:16

tire is burning, one tire. Okay,

4:20

you can see here around this map of

4:22

the neighborhood, there are four junction

4:24

points powering the door to

4:27

Luminotower holding it locked tight.

4:31

This is a very big

4:33

battle map and we'll try

4:35

and explain sort of how things are going

4:37

and not just rely completely upon it. But

4:40

first in the order is Lady Godwin. Oh

4:43

man, I'm gonna try

4:45

to, what

4:48

happened with the other three? These

4:51

are the either living scenario. They're alive,

4:53

you smashed them backwards when you kicked

4:55

the door into them. They went flying

4:58

collided with the wall behind them. I'm

5:00

gonna try to non-lethally smack

5:02

this guy's head into the wall. The

5:05

last barbershop tenor here? Yeah, the last

5:07

barbershop dude. Okay, go ahead and make

5:09

an attack roll for me. You

5:11

got it, Griff. Attack

5:14

them good. I

5:16

did, it's a 22. Hell yeah, 22

5:19

absolutely hits. And

5:21

you have specified non-lethal damage here. Yeah.

5:25

Okay, go ahead and roll damage. For

5:28

an arm, or I could just always four. Oh,

5:30

I guess that's right. Okay. It's

5:33

just your fat hand. It's

5:35

just your fat hand. It does the same shit every time. Four

5:40

is exactly. You've been hit by someone's hand,

5:42

it's like that. It's about a four. Four

5:44

is exactly how many hit points barbershop tenor

5:46

had. These as you

5:48

sort of gently. How

5:50

many awake points, right? Yeah, how many awake

5:53

points they had. As you sort

5:55

of smash your fat

5:57

hand into this guy's head, he drops like

5:59

a... sack of bricks, and

6:02

it sort of dawns on you

6:04

that while the people here

6:06

seem to be under remote

6:08

control from Count Dracula, they

6:10

do not possess any

6:12

special... You just punched a singing man

6:15

and knocked him clean out. I

6:18

slapped him with my fat head. Yeah, I thought

6:20

it was my fat head. That'll do

6:23

it every time. Okay, you have

6:25

a little bit of movement left. You've

6:27

got like 10 more feet, so like two more squares here. Is

6:30

there a direction you would like to

6:32

move? All of these threats have been

6:34

knocked out. Yeah, I'm heading west to

6:36

the lightning bolt. Okay. Down

6:40

this alley? Is this an alleyway? This is

6:42

an alleyway. I feel like I feel like

6:44

I'm there. Yeah, yeah. I

6:46

wanted to say, Graff lately, this has been

6:48

the closest... this

6:50

has been to playing video games, and

6:53

I just want to thank you for that, because it's the closest

6:55

I've had to having fun during the

6:57

adventure zone. I just want to say thank

6:59

you. It's easier to pretend I'm playing video games

7:01

than ever before, and I want to thank you

7:04

for that. Yeah, sure. It's

7:06

my pleasure, man. That's a hundred points. No, it's

7:08

my pleasure. That's a hundred points just

7:10

then. Wow. Whoa. Yeah,

7:13

man. Let me write that on the... It was

7:15

like you ate a pretzel, Justin, or a

7:17

cherry, or drank a jolt cola. I'm giving

7:19

you all warning now. Next

7:22

time I run an arc, I'm going to be

7:24

scoring each of you, and I will not reveal

7:26

that to the end. This will be

7:28

your only warning right now. I've added

7:30

a little score for Justin down here in the corner. He's got

7:32

100 so far. Okay, good. Now

7:34

I'm having fun. Next

7:36

in the order is

7:40

the four-piece string band. You can

7:42

see through the fires of the

7:45

Hyundai Elantra, you

7:47

can see four stringed

7:49

instrument players. That's what they

7:51

are because they're holding their shit. A violinist,

7:53

a cellist, a bassist, and a banjoist.

7:56

They begin... I think

7:58

it's pronounced dork. I think

8:00

it's actually Banjona. Banjovi?

8:04

A banjovi. The

8:07

basis in Banjwis split off, making

8:09

their way west. The violinist and

8:11

cellist are going to sprint

8:13

off towards the right, the

8:16

central alley now blocked by this car. They

8:18

feel like executing

8:20

a temporal pincer, or I guess just

8:22

a regular pincer maneuver. Next

8:25

in the order is Philo. Hmm.

8:28

Well, I think Philo

8:30

is going to beat feed. And...

8:34

follow Lady Godwin. Okay, with your move, you

8:36

are able to get sort of right next

8:38

to her in the alley. You still have

8:40

your action. You could dash if you want

8:42

to move double speed. You

8:45

could, you know, cast a

8:47

spell. You could do whatever else you want. You

8:49

know what? I've never dashed. Let's

8:52

dash. We've never given a shit

8:54

about move speed before. Okay. Let me do a

8:56

dash. You do

8:58

a dash. Wait, we've got dashes

9:00

in this game too? Now I'm

9:02

getting excited. Can we double jump? You

9:05

haven't unlocked a double jump yet. Damn it. I

9:07

probably got 200 points for that, didn't I? Okay,

9:10

Griffin might roll into a ball and shit's out

9:12

of bomb. Holy shit.

9:15

You're going to be so cool. Okay,

9:18

as you turn the corner, you

9:20

see some figures. They

9:22

are illuminated by this glowing

9:25

brass orb with little windows of

9:27

yellow light inside of it that

9:30

is in the middle of

9:32

this sort of back alley clearing.

9:35

You see a man

9:37

wearing a sort of ruffled

9:39

neck piece. You see a

9:43

young woman with a black turtleneck on.

9:45

You see a man holding a script that

9:50

he seems to be jotting notes on. And

9:53

you see a beat poet who's

9:55

actively doing beat poetry in

9:57

this clearing surrounding the brass orb.

10:00

You still have some movement here. You could try

10:02

to hide. You could do

10:05

whatever else you want. But as you turn

10:07

the corner, you make out these four figures.

10:14

I am going to use

10:17

a spell. I'm

10:22

going to use disguise self. This

10:25

is the terrible cost of dashing.

10:27

You did dash. No one stops

10:29

to think, but dashing is your

10:31

action. That's right. Dashing is so

10:33

fun, but it comes with a

10:35

terrible price. Horrible unbearable price. If

10:38

I am only... At

10:41

the end of the dash, you must stand

10:43

and stare at whatever confronts you. That's the

10:45

horrid price of dash. Okay.

10:49

You do have bonus action though. If you have

10:51

a bonus action, you'd like to take. Well, yeah,

10:53

of course. I will, I'm

10:56

going to cast healing word

10:58

on myself, which is one

11:00

of my bonus actions. Yes. You

11:02

took some damage when you crashed your toy. So

11:06

in these people's lives, what

11:08

happened is Pinocchio ran up

11:10

real fast, appeared in front

11:12

of them, saw the four of them and then

11:14

said, uh-oh, then healed and

11:16

saluted. Okay. You

11:18

are back up to full, right?

11:20

Yep. Sure does. Amazing. Okay.

11:24

Also last choice I want you to make here.

11:26

Do you want to stay where you are? You're

11:28

sort of in the front of the alleyway in

11:30

front of Lady Godwin, or do you want to

11:32

back behind Lady Godwin? You

11:34

still have movement. You still have like 20 feet of movement.

11:37

I think I want to stay in front. Okay.

11:41

Next in the order is... Next

11:48

in the order is the actors. The

11:51

beat poet is going to run up and

11:54

is going to try to beat your ass,

11:57

Philo. You see, she...

12:00

lifts up a big boot and tries to bring it

12:02

down on you. And

12:05

18 hit AC? Yep,

12:08

sure does. I didn't mean to make that sound like a question.

12:10

It was sort of a weird way to say 18 hit AC

12:14

and you take- 10-4 good buddy. Three

12:17

points of bludgeoning damage. Okay,

12:19

the actor is going to

12:22

cast Vicious Mockery on you.

12:25

Yeah, they do that. Make a Wisdom

12:27

Saving Throw. Wisdom Saving? Yes.

12:34

Insufficient. You

12:36

take two

12:38

points of Psychic Damage and have disadvantage on the

12:40

next attack roll you make before the end of

12:42

your next turn. The

12:45

Anjanu and Drama Turge, they're just going

12:47

to pull out crossbows and try to

12:49

shoot at you, Philo, as

12:52

you are the only one exposed. 12

12:54

versus AC does not hit, I think. Does not.

12:57

The die goes to the runner? Oh yes. Yep.

13:01

Okay, then a 12 does hit. You are

13:03

then shot with a crossbow. Oh, that was the runner. No,

13:05

the runner is the one attacking. If I was to get shot out

13:08

with crossbows, I'm running. That's a really good

13:10

point, Travis. That is two points of

13:12

piercing damage and

13:15

the Anjanu shoots a nine,

13:17

which is not going to do it. Okay, next

13:20

in the order is Mutt. Ditto,

13:23

how tall are the buildings in

13:25

town? Well,

13:27

let's see, the Ghostlight Pub is, I

13:29

think, probably a two-story building.

13:33

There is a staircase in here if you wanted to get

13:35

up to the second story. I

13:37

mean, you're in the theater district, right? So

13:39

it kind of varies wildly. Some buildings are

13:41

enormous. I'm talking about these buildings across the

13:44

way. Yeah, those are just,

13:46

I would say, single-story little

13:48

buildings. So 10 feet

13:51

up, you know. Okay, great.

13:53

I'm gonna use the slumped-over

13:55

barbershop guys as a boost and

13:58

get up onto the roof. Okay, so

14:01

out the western door and jump up onto the roof

14:03

of the buildings to the west of you. Correct. Fantastic.

14:07

Give me a, I think

14:09

this would be acrobatics check to

14:11

get up here. I will make it lower than

14:13

usual since you jumped off some men. Okay,

14:19

16 plus 4, a

14:22

gentleman's 20. A 20, yeah, easy.

14:24

You scamper up onto the roof

14:27

just as part of your movement. You have like a couple

14:29

more squares you can go. Okay,

14:31

I'm going to cast Zephyr

14:34

Strike. Oh shit, okay. And

14:37

take a shot at the one

14:39

that stepped up to... The

14:42

beat poet? Yeah, that stepped up to

14:44

Phylo. Okay. I

14:47

don't think that's gonna do it, Kermit. It's terrible. No,

14:49

it's not, whatever you have. I do get two attacks,

14:51

so I'm gonna just go again with

14:53

that there crossbow. Sure thing. As

14:56

a normal strike? Oh shit. That's

14:58

a 20. That's a crit. Okay,

15:00

fantastic. Go ahead and roll double damage.

15:04

Is this not, let's establish also

15:06

non-lethal or not... Yeah, I'm

15:08

trying to pin them to the wall with the crossbow wounds,

15:11

you know what I mean? Okay.

15:14

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Grizzly. Eight,

15:16

nine, close to our... Jesus Christ. 21 points.

15:19

Yeah, man, yeah, dog. Yeah. Our

15:22

bolt shoots them and it

15:24

hits them in the shoulder.

15:26

They fly upwards, spin through

15:28

the air and crash into some barrels and

15:31

they are out of commission.

15:34

Okay, cool. Thanks to Zephyr Strike,

15:37

I also get to move another 30 feet. Oh

15:40

wow, fuck yeah. So I'm gonna position

15:42

myself closer to the front of the

15:44

roof near the power

15:47

breaker thing. Okay, perfect. Next

15:49

thing I'm gonna do is Pierre. He is just going to run

15:52

over to the eastern side of

15:54

his building and start

15:56

barricading the door. Good

15:59

idea. Okay, next

16:02

in the order is the searchlight. The

16:04

searchlight is one, two, three, four, five.

16:09

It's got all of you in it. Okay,

16:12

I need all of you to make a

16:14

dexterity saving throw, please. Dexterity.

16:16

I do appreciate you staying all clubbed

16:18

together. Like, 14. You're all the

16:20

same. Searchlight takes you. 18 plus

16:23

seven, 25. I

16:25

think I have advantage on these. You

16:28

do, you have advantage on dangers you can see, which

16:30

like, for sure. Yeah, so

16:32

dexterity saving. My

16:39

dice are being kind of hinky too. Woof.

16:44

No, that's an 11 and a nat

16:46

one. So Godwin and

16:49

Philo, you both feel your

16:51

skin start to sizzle. Mutt,

16:54

again, with this sort of superhuman

16:56

reflexes when it comes to not getting

16:58

burned by powerful

17:00

solar radiation. You

17:03

managed to just sort of pull your jacket up. I'm wearing SPF 35. Yeah,

17:06

exactly, right? I know, listen. I was raised

17:08

outdoors, man. I'm not going out without my

17:10

sunscreen. No way. Philo and

17:12

Godwin, you both take four points of

17:15

radiant damage. I have to point out

17:18

that I don't have skin. So

17:21

I would say maybe my- Your varnish feels. Your

17:23

made of wood, a very burnable material. Yeah, my

17:25

paint peels. Yeah, your paint peels a little bit,

17:27

but it's health paint. Okay,

17:30

next in the order we are- How many

17:32

points of health paint do I lose? Four

17:34

points of paint health. Next in

17:36

the order is Godwin. Fantastic.

17:40

Do I- They're

17:46

pretty well distracted. I'm gonna get

17:48

around Philo and join the fray

17:50

there in the middle of

17:52

the fray. Do I

17:54

see a clear electric

17:56

thing? Is there a big

17:59

button? This brass

18:01

orb in the center of the clearing

18:03

here, this blue sort of shape

18:06

here in the middle

18:08

is definitely the kind of like

18:10

a conduit. I am going to,

18:12

I'm gonna

18:14

chuck my javelin at that thing in

18:17

the hopes that it'll explode

18:20

and hit him all with electricity. Where are you standing

18:22

when you do this? Far enough

18:25

away, you're not gonna talk about

18:27

it again. Got it, okay. Go

18:32

ahead and make an attack roll

18:34

against the conduit. Man,

18:39

Narts! No, with a

18:41

nine, your javelin is

18:43

flying towards the orb. It looks like it's about to

18:45

smash into one of the small circular windows in it,

18:47

but it is slowly rotating.

18:49

You mistime it and it bounces off the

18:52

brass instead. And while I was

18:54

describing what happened, you did roll again. It's

18:56

a 12. No, with a 12

18:59

also, damn it. Boy, that must have

19:01

looked quite comical to all parties. I'm

19:03

glad everyone enjoyed that. I

19:06

believe you are raging. So I do, I think

19:08

you get a bonus attack if you wanna

19:11

do it. Hold on. Yeah,

19:14

one more. Wait, don't move. Yeah,

19:20

okay. With a 22, you finally

19:22

dialed it in. You chuck

19:24

the javelin and bullseye. It

19:26

smashes straight into one of those

19:28

small circular windows on the conduit.

19:31

That's what she says to, after

19:33

the third one hits, bullseye! Bullseye!

19:35

Bullseye! Bullseye! Okay,

19:38

it explodes. Amber

19:41

energy crackles out of it and

19:43

tears across some of the buildings

19:46

in this back alleyway. The

19:48

dramaturge is hit by the lightning

19:51

and goes down. The

19:55

actor and Anjanu are able

19:57

to save. You

19:59

have to say... one of the junction

20:02

points here. Do,

20:04

when the junction point is

20:06

disabled, do I notice any

20:09

change in the two remaining

20:11

townspeople? Give me a perception check,

20:13

or an insight check. Perception's

20:21

fine, 18. You

20:23

don't notice any change in the actor

20:26

in the Anshanu, which you can

20:28

see. You can also kind of make out the bassist

20:30

and banjoist down this alleyway. They are definitely heading in

20:32

your direction, too. You do notice

20:34

the searchlight seems to be a little

20:36

dimmer now, the one that is still

20:38

actively shining on the three of you.

20:42

Next in the order is...

20:48

the

20:51

four-piece strings. Okay,

20:54

the bassist and banjoist are going to waste no

20:56

time. They are going to rush down. Bassist

20:59

smashes his bass down, 13 versus AC. Against

21:03

whom? Lady

21:05

Godwin, the only one who is... Mutt is up

21:08

on the roof, so not in striking distance. 14

21:11

is bass. Okay, somehow this

21:13

bassist misses hitting you with his bass...

21:16

His giant bass. The banjoist,

21:20

that is a 21 versus AC, which is going to do

21:22

it. He brings it

21:24

down fucking kabong style right on

21:26

that dome. You

21:29

take seven points of bludgeoning damage. And you hear...

21:36

Unless you are doing that with your action,

21:38

Philo, it is your turn. No! Things

21:41

have gotten very congested here in the

21:43

alleyway. You have

21:46

taken out one of the four junction points

21:48

around the neighborhood. Um,

21:51

okay. Um, Brother

21:54

Philo is

21:56

going to drink one of his Flying Elixir's? Fantastic.

22:01

and you just put it

22:03

in your mouth slot and it just

22:05

gooshes down into the street. Whips

22:08

out one of the vials from his belt,

22:10

pops the cork, catches the cork. Flows his

22:12

own tiny body. Drinks

22:15

the flight potion and

22:18

flies northwest. Okay.

22:24

Over the building. Yeah, so you have 30

22:26

points, right, of movement, 30 feet of movement?

22:31

You can just get to the rooftop

22:33

of the first building here

22:35

in the northwest quarter. Believe

22:37

it or not, he's walking

22:40

on air. Never thought

22:42

he would feel so. And then

22:44

I'm going to dash. All

22:48

right, Trev. Thank you. We're not

22:50

gonna clear that. I just couldn't finish

22:52

it. Yeah. Who could

22:54

it be, believe it or not, it's

22:56

Philo. Okay, okay. I'm gonna dash to

22:58

the corner of the building, of the

23:00

rooftop and stay there. Right

23:03

there? Yep. Okay.

23:05

You, now being in this sort

23:07

of like complete other block of

23:09

the city, are able to make

23:11

out a few

23:13

more figures who are out

23:16

and on the hunt for you. The

23:18

first, you see a

23:20

giant of a man holding

23:23

a small

23:25

grinder box and he's got

23:27

a little monkey sitting on his shoulder, standing

23:30

guard at the center

23:34

sort of junction point in the city.

23:36

You also see, and this is

23:38

huge, standing right in front of the door to

23:40

Luminotower, I think even

23:43

though you grew up in a monastery and

23:46

are sort of unexposed to city

23:49

living, even you are

23:51

aware of the fantasy

23:53

pop star known as

23:55

Jeremy Pipes. And Jeremy

23:57

Pipes is here and he is. I'm going

23:59

to do Dracula's control and standing for Illumino

24:02

Tower. He looks amazing,

24:05

except he doesn't seem to have his usual charismatic

24:07

glow because he is

24:09

being sort of mind controlled. He

24:11

is standing sentry here at Illumino

24:13

Tower. Okay, that

24:15

is all of your actions. Next

24:20

in the order is the

24:23

actors. So

24:27

the actor and ingenue

24:29

are, let me think,

24:32

I think the actor is going to try and climb

24:34

up some barrels to where you are on the roof,

24:37

Mutt. And

24:41

the ingenue is going to... Feels like that would

24:43

give me an opportunity attack, right? Yes,

24:46

absolutely. Take an opportunity attack

24:48

against the actor. He definitely exposes himself

24:50

to you. Oh, well that's gross. Not

24:52

like, but not like his wiener wise.

24:55

That's a 17 plus 9, 26. Yes,

24:59

that is a hit. Are

25:01

you hitting him with Scalloper or... I'm going to hit it to

25:04

one of those barrels is what I'm going for. It's a 9

25:06

plus 4, 13. I

25:08

think this would be a melee attack, right? Because he's

25:10

up right next to you. Okay.

25:15

We can still take the roll. I'm just

25:17

saying the damage that you do is going to be... Okay,

25:19

yeah. So then what I'm going to... I'm

25:21

trying to knock loose the

25:23

gutter or shingles or whatever that

25:26

they're climbing. Yes, amazing. Great.

25:28

Yeah. Cool. Roll

25:31

damage. Man,

25:36

your dice are fucked up. Yeah, man. 3

25:39

plus 1, 4. Okay,

25:43

with a 4, you smash

25:45

the gutter. You get his

25:47

hand with just the hilt of

25:49

Scalloper and he falls back down

25:51

and crashes into the barrels and

25:53

he's... Sorry, sorry, man. You

25:56

okay? The

25:58

ingenue looks up at you

26:00

and says... Hey, stupid hair.

26:04

And cast vicious. One and a half. Make

26:06

a wisdom saving throw. Yeah, it doesn't make

26:08

any sense, but that's what makes it so

26:10

fucking mean and bad. Why

26:13

do I keep clicking those dice? I

26:15

don't know, man. Hey,

26:19

it, trap, mutt, there's

26:22

an instant where you do think. Maybe

26:25

that's why we're in a hat. Is that

26:27

why I wear this fucking hat all the time? Do

26:29

I have stupid hair? You

26:32

take four points of psychic damage and

26:34

you will have disadvantage on your next attack roll

26:38

until the end of your next turn. Next

26:40

in the order is mutt.

26:44

I don't have to stand here and take this, man. I'm

26:47

gonna jump over here. I'm

26:49

gonna comb my hair. Gonna jump over to the

26:52

roof to the north. Okay,

26:54

yeah. Trying to make my way to the

26:56

square there, the town square. Make an acrobatics check is an

26:59

easy one, it's five feet. Good,

27:02

okay, 16 plus four. Yeah.

27:05

Gentlemen, 20. You don't even jump, you don't

27:07

just jump the gap, you jump like

27:10

extra. That's how cool and good it is.

27:12

You make it onto the roof of the building to

27:14

the north here and you said you're gonna

27:16

make your way towards town square? Yeah, how

27:19

close can I get to the big man with the monkey?

27:22

I mean, are you going to jump down off the roof

27:25

and go in for a melee attack or are you? Staying

27:27

at crossbow distance. No, I'm trying to get

27:30

close to him. I'm gonna get in melee

27:32

distance. I mean, you

27:34

can't do that with this movement

27:36

because you will have jumped across a pit and

27:38

then jumped down from a roof and that's already

27:41

sort of over your move speed. I

27:44

would say you can get to where you are right now with the

27:46

move action that you have. That is six

27:48

squares away. I see. If

27:50

I dash, that's the thing, right? That's the thing.

27:53

Okay, hold on, let me look. Okay,

27:57

I'm gonna cast Zephyr Strike again. and

40:00

doing weird movements with her body. You see

40:02

a man holding a

40:04

large, large camera and

40:07

another man standing against the alleyway painting

40:10

a picture. You see a quartet of

40:12

visual artists in the corner. You

40:15

still have your move, the rest of your move,

40:17

and an action. You can move. Two more spaces

40:19

here. I'm gonna stay where

40:21

I am. I'm going to cast a spell. I'm

40:23

going to shoot Melph's Acid

40:26

Arrow at

40:28

the device. Okay,

40:31

cool. Here, these

40:33

four visual artists look up and see

40:36

a flying puppet appear in the distance.

40:39

You see a thought sort of

40:41

cross their minds of like, what the fuck are

40:43

we doing? As a acid arrow

40:45

zooms past them and attempts

40:48

to hit the conduit. Go ahead and make

40:50

an attack roll, please. Spell attack roll. Shit.

40:54

No. Nine. With

40:56

a nine, you see that

40:58

it misses. It hits

41:00

a barrel behind the

41:03

sculptor here, out of

41:05

which begins to use a sort of stinky,

41:07

dark liquid. It's

41:10

not oil or anything cool or useful. It's

41:12

just there's a barrel of stinky juice back

41:14

here and you upset it. That

41:17

is your action. As that happens, all

41:19

of the visual artists look up at

41:21

you with identical malice. They

41:24

hate puppetry that much? Not

41:27

the performance artist. She's bah, bah, bah, bah, bah,

41:29

loving it. Then can I do a bonus

41:31

action? Yes, you may. Okay, now I'm

41:34

gonna cast Healing Word. Okay.

41:36

On myself. Healing

41:39

Word. Yeah, you took up quite a bit

41:41

of damage and you got jumped in

41:43

crime alley back there. That

41:47

would be four. I heal up

41:50

four. Okay. Next

41:54

thing in the order is the theater troupe, the only

41:56

remaining member of which is the ingenue who's

41:59

going to come. Up

42:01

this way. She reaches the

42:03

end of this alleyway, looks at you Godwin, and she says, how

42:08

come your head's so much older than the rest of you?

42:13

Make a wisdom saving throw. Oh,

42:15

to come up with a snappy retort? She is

42:17

casting Vicious Mockery at you. So

42:20

yeah. 18

42:24

saves. Because

42:28

I'm rich! Ha ha

42:30

ha! Okay,

42:33

she looks startled by your quick retort. Next

42:36

in the order is... Mutt.

42:43

Hey, Big Man, what's your name? Give

42:48

me an insight check, please. Okay.

42:55

To figure out his name? Is that like Rumpelstiltskin? Uh,

43:00

16. With

43:05

a 16, I think the organ grinder just

43:07

looks down at you and says, Dracula.

43:12

Oh, I see. Okay, man, cool. I

43:14

was kind of hoping it would be kind

43:16

of that way. Anyways, Anjanu

43:18

is not like that? Um,

43:20

I mean, the Anjanu might be saying

43:23

the stuff that she's saying as Dracula. You

43:25

didn't ask the Anjanu her name. I reach

43:28

out and I grab the grinder's wrist. Okay.

43:31

And I cast Protection from Good and Evil. Interesting.

43:34

Oh. Um,

43:37

hmm. It's, uh, it,

43:39

uh, the, let's see, the

43:42

target can't be charmed, frightened, or possessed by

43:44

them. If the target is already charmed, charmed,

43:46

frightened, or possessed, uh, the

43:48

target has advantage on saving throws. So, I

43:50

mean, I'm trying to break the

43:52

possession. Okay, then we'll do this

43:54

like this. Uh, I think this will force a

43:57

saving throw for the organ grinder with advantage. and

50:00

solve all your other reader problems. Reading

50:02

Glasses every Thursday on Maximum Fun. ["The

50:18

Last of Us"] What

50:26

am I gonna do? To

50:29

this point, let's just catch up, everybody in the audience.

50:31

You have taken out quite a few artists

50:33

here in the city. You have taken out two

50:36

of the four junction points that

50:39

you need to destroy in order to access

50:41

Luminot Tower. Brother Philo is in

50:43

the northwest with the visual artists. There is still

50:46

one sphere to

50:48

the northeast that no one has approached. Okay,

50:50

I'm gonna leave the mimes

50:53

and the Jeremy situation for,

50:56

this is my band, the Jeremy situation

50:58

for Lady Godwin to deal

51:00

with. And I'm gonna head

51:02

northeast toward the remaining orb

51:05

thing. Okay, you were able

51:07

to get just around the corner of this building here.

51:13

Next in the order, you

51:17

all hear a loud crash and

51:23

you hear the voice of two people shout

51:25

out as you hear this crash. Mutt,

51:28

from where you are standing, let's actually put

51:30

you right here. From where you're standing, you

51:32

can see down the alley to

51:35

the eastern exit from the Ghost Light Pub.

51:38

You see over there, the cellist

51:41

and the violinist have just

51:43

been knocked down as

51:46

the eastern door has been smashed outwards. From

51:49

it, you see

51:51

a figure come racing out into the street

51:55

to confront the mimes around the

51:57

corner. It is not

51:59

peaceful. bloodied.

1:00:01

Next in the order is the theater

1:00:05

troupe. The

1:00:07

ingenue is going to sneak up

1:00:10

and she stays just outside

1:00:12

of the spotlight. No, she doesn't.

1:00:15

What am I talking about? She jumps right into the

1:00:17

middle of the spotlight and looks at

1:00:19

you, Lady Godwin, and says, how come

1:00:21

all your friends are so old? And

1:00:25

she hits you with vicious mockery. Again, make a wisdom saving

1:00:27

throw, please. You

1:00:30

got it. Wow.

1:00:37

That is a five. Insufficient. You

1:00:40

are going to take two

1:00:43

points of psychic damage and you will

1:00:45

have disadvantage on your next attack roll.

1:00:48

Woof. Actually,

1:00:51

I think we forgot about that in that last round, but

1:00:53

I'll definitely remember this time. Next

1:00:55

in the order is... The

1:00:59

mimes are going to engage Pierre Reynolds in combat

1:01:01

down here in the corner. The

1:01:04

four mimes have turned back away from the

1:01:06

fight happening here at the central district. Next

1:01:10

in the order is Phylo. Phylo, you are

1:01:12

still looking down at the northwest quarter of

1:01:15

this block. You see in front of

1:01:18

you the power conduit that you went

1:01:20

wide with an acid arrow on and

1:01:22

all of the visual artists here are

1:01:24

looking up at you. It

1:01:27

is your action now. Okay. You

1:01:30

know, you remember the old days when we

1:01:32

played the

1:01:34

game and just had fun.

1:01:37

Remember? Remember? And just

1:01:39

did wild stuff and

1:01:41

didn't necessarily... Just make

1:01:44

your opening offer, please, so I

1:01:46

can counter it with something resembling

1:01:49

logic and... Oh, fantastic. Cool energy.

1:01:51

Oh, no way, Dad. You want him to let

1:01:53

you do what you want? Yeah. Let's see. Let's

1:01:55

see what's on the table, Matt.

1:01:57

All right. Here's what we're going to

1:01:59

do. Here's

1:02:02

what you're gonna suggest we're gonna... I

1:02:04

realize this is an uncomfortable reversal of

1:02:06

the usual power dynamics between father and

1:02:08

son. I know. And you

1:02:10

love it. Okay, here's the deal. Philo

1:02:16

is going to launch himself off the corner of

1:02:18

the building. He can still fly, has not been

1:02:20

an hour. Agreed.

1:02:23

And he's going to do... Everything you've said so

1:02:25

far? Totally on the

1:02:27

level. Make a more hands-on approach to

1:02:29

this orb. Okay.

1:02:34

Okay. So he's going to fly

1:02:37

over, over the heads of the

1:02:40

creatures guarding it, land

1:02:43

on the orb... Okay.

1:02:46

And using his artificer skills

1:02:50

and his tinkerer's tools... Interesting,

1:02:53

interesting. Okay. I

1:02:55

don't hate this. He's going to

1:02:57

try to disconnect... No,

1:03:01

no, he's going to try to

1:03:03

overload. Okay, cool.

1:03:07

I love that. What's

1:03:09

that look like? What kind of tool are you using?

1:03:11

Do you have some sort of like car jump starting? I mean,

1:03:13

you're a little guy, so I don't know how you carry a

1:03:15

big bag. This is what is so weird about tool

1:03:19

definitions in D&D 5e. There's

1:03:22

not a lot of definition as to what they are.

1:03:24

Sure. I'm asking you from a narrative. It's

1:03:30

Jim Crackeray. It's going to be a... I don't know

1:03:32

what that is. I don't know what it is either.

1:03:35

I just like the word Jim Crackeray. Okay.

1:03:39

No, it's like a Phillips head. Phillips

1:03:43

head. Are you

1:03:45

checking out Jim Crackeray? Just

1:03:47

a quick... It sounds so bad, man. There's

1:03:52

a lot that could... A lot of

1:03:54

potential danger zones. A Phillip... I

1:03:58

love a Phillips head screwdriver. prying it into

1:04:01

this cheap show of useless trifles,

1:04:03

ornaments, and trinkets. Amazing.

1:04:05

Okay, yeah. That's great. Good

1:04:08

pull, Dad. So, you jammed this

1:04:10

Phillips head screwdriver, or sorry, flathead

1:04:12

Phillips head? I

1:04:15

think flathead would probably work

1:04:17

better. Better for prying, yeah. So, you

1:04:19

wedged that in underneath the sort of...

1:04:23

But it's important to use the tools for

1:04:26

what they're meant to be. It's not a... As I

1:04:28

taught you. As I taught you. As

1:04:31

you taught me, Dad. It's not a pry bar,

1:04:33

it's a screwdriver. Okay, so I think this is

1:04:35

going to be... Get a pinky. I think this

1:04:37

is going to be either sleight of hand or

1:04:39

arcana, right? If you are doing

1:04:42

something very dexterous with your hands, I think

1:04:44

it is sleight of hand, but if you are analyzing

1:04:46

weaknesses in this object based on your sort of

1:04:48

artifice or knowledge and trying to exploit that, I

1:04:50

think it would be arcana. Let's go with arcana.

1:04:53

I'll do arcana. Okay. Arcana.

1:04:56

Checking. Arcana 19. 19,

1:04:58

yeah. I

1:05:00

think with a 19, you easily

1:05:02

just pop one of the windows off

1:05:05

of this thing. The destruction is somewhat

1:05:09

controlled. I

1:05:11

would say that because of

1:05:13

where you are on this orb,

1:05:15

on top of it, as the

1:05:17

electricity shoots out of all

1:05:19

these different sort of windows as they burst

1:05:21

open, you are still going to

1:05:24

need to dodge, but I will give you advantage

1:05:26

on the dexterity saving throw to get out of

1:05:28

the way of this bolt of electricity. How

1:05:31

about if I cast a spell? Can I do that? Shit,

1:05:34

you know magic? Whoa, get out of town.

1:05:37

If it's a spell that can be cast sort

1:05:39

of instantly. A zorb element. Hm. That's

1:05:43

the way it works before I cast

1:05:45

it. No, I know, but before it

1:05:47

was a thing you set up in

1:05:49

advance, right? And this is very much

1:05:52

like... Yeah, true. True, true, true. Okay.

1:05:55

Yes. You're being very accommodating. Thank you,

1:05:57

I think so too. Make

1:06:01

a dexterity saving throw. Dexterity saving throw,

1:06:03

okay. Here comes

1:06:05

my dexterity saving throw. That

1:06:10

would be a nine. You

1:06:12

have advantage. And...

1:06:16

a... a 11. But

1:06:19

in the game there it's a dirty 20. Yes,

1:06:23

you do not save. You

1:06:26

feel like you are riding this bucking Bronco

1:06:28

as electricity is shooting out of it on

1:06:30

all sides. Okay. And

1:06:33

it's going okay at first and then

1:06:35

you start to lose control of the

1:06:37

yaw of this battery and you slide

1:06:39

off of it directly into a bolt.

1:06:42

You take nine points of radiant

1:06:44

damage as you are blasted

1:06:47

backwards off the sphere. The only surviving

1:06:49

member, the only one who made his save

1:06:51

is the painter who... Why

1:06:55

is he so beautiful? He asks you to pose.

1:06:58

He takes a step to run away. Just

1:07:01

sort of his fear, his human

1:07:03

fear, sort of overriding the controls.

1:07:06

But he is stopped. He

1:07:09

bumps into the wall as his

1:07:11

sort of body starts acting against its

1:07:13

volition and he is going to

1:07:15

rush at you. He

1:07:17

has... He's got a

1:07:20

paintbrush. He's going to try and stab you with the sharp

1:07:22

end of it. Wow.

1:07:26

That is a crit. He crits with his paintbrush

1:07:28

stab. He

1:07:30

jabs it right into your little doll

1:07:32

eye for eight

1:07:36

points of piercing damage. He

1:07:40

looks surprised. He looks down and

1:07:42

says, Oh wow. at

1:07:45

the effectiveness of this attack. He

1:07:48

stands up a little bit straighter. He

1:07:50

feels confident about himself for the first

1:07:52

time. Next

1:07:56

in the order... Next

1:07:59

in the order... is Mutt. Mutt, you

1:08:01

have broken away from sort of the

1:08:03

frockus here as you approach the northeast

1:08:05

quarter of the map. How

1:08:07

are Phylo and Lady

1:08:10

Godwin looking? Strong. Like

1:08:13

he had point-wise. I mean, Phylo has a paintbrush.

1:08:15

About half as strong as she normally looks. Phylo

1:08:17

has a paintbrush sticking out of

1:08:19

his eye, otherwise he's looking okay, but you

1:08:21

can't really see him from where you are.

1:08:24

You have like a building and all of

1:08:26

Luminotower between you and Phylo. Great, great, great.

1:08:28

I've seen a lot of exes over there,

1:08:30

Phylo and nobody else but Pinocchio doing a

1:08:32

good job over there, pal. Okay, there's still

1:08:34

a lot going on in the center of

1:08:36

town that I'm leaving behind. There's

1:08:39

a mass murder happening in the

1:08:41

northwest and nobody's concerned. Yeah, this

1:08:43

maniac puppet is just killing people.

1:08:45

I'm going to summon a beast.

1:08:48

Okay. A

1:08:53

new knight of the realm that I'm going to send over

1:08:55

to help Lady Godwin out in the center of town. Cool.

1:08:57

And I'm going to summon an eastern gorilla. Okay, man. Listen,

1:09:00

I read through it. I choose the form.

1:09:10

That's one of the options. I guess

1:09:13

there is no. Okay. Oh, great. There is. I

1:09:17

just wanted to make sure there was a- Are

1:09:19

you trying to tell me gorillas ain't invented in

1:09:21

Dracula times? No, I mean, clearly they are. There

1:09:23

was a bodyguard at the warehouse. Yes,

1:09:26

you're right. So there is precedent.

1:09:28

It says right here, the creature

1:09:30

resembles an animal

1:09:33

of your choice. Were there any of the dinosaur transformers there? Oh, good question.

1:09:35

No, none

1:09:41

of the Dino Transformers in this one. Okay. You

1:09:43

create a gorilla and you can now see it

1:09:45

on the map because Roll20 gives me too much

1:09:47

power. I

1:09:50

am like a God. Kevin, I need you to go over, sir. Kevin, excuse

1:09:52

me. Need

1:10:00

you to go over and you help out Lady

1:10:02

Garwin, okay? Of course,

1:10:04

my liege. Word. My life

1:10:06

for your honor. Indeed. Perhaps

1:10:09

I could be granted a fiefdom

1:10:12

for this loyal service to the throne.

1:10:14

Wolfie, man. Okay,

1:10:17

how you do? A little non-committal,

1:10:19

my liege. Well, no, Luz, and I'm

1:10:22

open to the idea, man, but. You

1:10:24

have give me banana yum-yum. Oh

1:10:27

yeah, no, definitely give banana yum-yum. Here you go, man.

1:10:30

He eats the banana. I give him two bananas. He

1:10:33

eats them the normal way in two big

1:10:35

eyes. Dracula times. A normal

1:10:37

crunch. And then I'm gonna continue

1:10:39

towards the northeast corner

1:10:41

while he goes down, yeah. Down,

1:10:47

what are you trying to get him to engage

1:10:49

with? Jeremy, he's sitting here, talking about Lady Garwin,

1:10:51

because she's surrounded by folks. And does he move

1:10:53

on your turn after your turn? He moves after

1:10:55

my turn. Okay, so I'll leave

1:10:57

him here and you can command him later. Okay,

1:10:59

where do you run up to? You

1:11:05

were right. I'm trying

1:11:07

to get a look at what's going on in

1:11:09

that northeast corner around the thing, preferably without being

1:11:11

noticed. Without

1:11:13

being noticed, okay, give me a stealth check.

1:11:17

So you try to creep. Yeah.

1:11:22

I creep. 15

1:11:24

plus four, 19. Yeah,

1:11:27

with a 19, you are able to, behind

1:11:30

the silhouette of this jank really, you will

1:11:32

be able to get away. So

1:11:35

you can move. You're

1:11:37

just trying to get up in that northwest corner? Yeah, I'm just

1:11:39

trying to scope out what kind of bad guys we're looking at

1:11:42

up there. Okay,

1:11:44

with six spaces, you are able to get

1:11:46

right in there, right? You

1:11:49

reach this clearing and there is

1:11:51

no one in there. No

1:11:54

one in there. Ah, sick. Is

1:11:59

that the end of your turn? Um,

1:12:04

yeah, that's my action, my movement.

1:12:07

Yeah. Next

1:12:10

in the order is Kevin. Is

1:12:13

Kevin. Uh,

1:12:16

Sir Kevin is going to come. Sir Kevin's

1:12:18

going to come running in. Uh,

1:12:21

and he's gonna, uh,

1:12:26

throw a big barrel that I assume is nearby.

1:12:29

Okay. At,

1:12:33

uh, the Toadies and Bridge

1:12:35

Lady. Uh,

1:12:37

okay. So like there-ish into

1:12:40

the, into the middle of the group. Uh,

1:12:42

sure, man. He picks up a barrel and

1:12:44

is going to make a ranged attack throw.

1:12:47

Uh, I'm gonna say this is gonna hit one, right? Or

1:12:49

he can try to hit one as a thrown object.

1:12:51

It doesn't explode or anything. So do you want him

1:12:53

to aim at Daphne Goldengood or one of the bridge

1:12:56

clubbers? Aim at Daphne Goldengood. No

1:12:58

problem. You see

1:13:01

Kevin, Sir Kevin pick up a

1:13:03

barrel and launches it. And

1:13:06

it sails through the air over

1:13:08

the shattered conduit. So

1:13:11

we got a nine plus seven, 16. Uh,

1:13:14

16 hits. Uh, Lady

1:13:17

Godwin, you see Daphne Goldengood

1:13:19

who is sort of already on our

1:13:21

last legs stand up and

1:13:23

say, y'all membership.

1:13:28

To the Luminoh yacht

1:13:31

club is

1:13:33

hereby revoked. And

1:13:38

then a big, big barrel comes flying through

1:13:40

the air and smashes in on her, uh,

1:13:42

sending her crashing to the

1:13:45

cobblestone street, uh, below,

1:13:47

uh, and she is

1:13:49

unconscious. The other bridge clubbers at

1:13:51

this look at her and then

1:13:53

look back at you and they seem a

1:13:56

bit shaken. This

1:14:00

is not the time to revoke your opening lead.

1:14:04

You may have a losing trick count right

1:14:06

now, but trust me if you hold

1:14:08

on to your L.H.O. R.H.O.

1:14:11

keep them all where you want them. Soon

1:14:13

you'll be the declara, no longer the dummy.

1:14:17

Make a persuasion check with

1:14:20

me. I will contest it as

1:14:22

Dracula. I've

1:14:27

rolled a 13. Dracula

1:14:32

rolled a 5 plus 6

1:14:34

for an 11. Yes. The ladies...

1:14:37

My bullshit was just good enough. The

1:14:40

bridge clubbers look at you, Lady Godwin, they

1:14:42

look at the broken

1:14:45

frame of their former sort of

1:14:47

social alpha, and then

1:14:49

recognizing a leader when they see one.

1:14:51

They look at each other, and then

1:14:53

they reach up, and they just rip

1:14:56

the bolts out of their neck. Yeah.

1:14:59

And they die. And then immediately all three of them are

1:15:01

like, Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Fuck! Now

1:15:08

listen, the three of you have to

1:15:10

act fast. You must go down and finish off Daphne.

1:15:13

Because of the blood loss? No,

1:15:15

no, you patched up. I have

1:15:17

a magical puppet, but listen. You

1:15:20

have to go finish off Daphne before it's too late.

1:15:22

What? She won't be unconscious for long.

1:15:27

She told... Listen, are you listening?

1:15:29

She told me, in

1:15:32

confidence, that she was all

1:15:34

doing it for herself,

1:15:36

and Dracula wasn't even involved. She

1:15:38

said, I'm just wild for this. She's

1:15:41

been turned evil, and you have to finish

1:15:43

her. It

1:15:45

looks like she went all in on the

1:15:48

wrong trick hand. Yes,

1:15:51

she did overcall a bit on the response. And

1:15:54

now I'm calling up your contract. I

1:15:56

bid you. Finish

1:15:58

off Daphne. Just smash her hand. headed

1:16:00

to the ground or hit it with

1:16:02

a big rock. They need no more

1:16:04

convincing from their social sigma. They fucking

1:16:07

peel off and just go over to

1:16:09

Daphne Goodengold who looks up sort

1:16:11

of literally, and then they all just get to stomping.

1:16:14

And she's like, why? God

1:16:16

would tell them to stomp. If you

1:16:18

need a new Baldi, I know a great guy.

1:16:27

She'll never afford it. What's

1:16:29

your name, by the way, Gorilla? Sir

1:16:32

Kevin. Well, Sir Kevin,

1:16:34

I believe this is the beginning

1:16:37

of a beautiful friendship. Would

1:16:39

you like to go rip her arms off?

1:16:41

For banana yum-yum. Sir

1:16:44

Kevin makes smash old lady. Yes.

1:16:49

Yes. I think that

1:16:52

my bridge partners have it well in hand.

1:16:56

Oh, I understand. Will you bet- I'm

1:16:58

going to go down for this. Will you- I

1:17:00

have no question. Will you marry- This is murder,

1:17:02

what are you doing? Will you marry Sir Kevin?

1:17:05

Interesting. Weird

1:17:07

question. Weird question. Sir Kevin

1:17:09

just joking. Sir Kevin go,

1:17:12

find banana yum-yum. He runs

1:17:14

away, fucking embarrassed. Mutt.

1:17:20

Does a 16 be Tracy? It

1:17:24

certainly does, Griffin. You

1:17:28

are standing in this clearing, looking

1:17:30

at the last surviving conduit in

1:17:33

this power grid. And

1:17:36

just as you are about to take action

1:17:38

from it, you feel

1:17:40

a knife plunge into your

1:17:43

back. Oh

1:17:46

man. You take

1:17:48

seven points of piercing damage.

1:17:51

I need you to make a constitution saving throw.

1:17:56

Oh, Griffin. So two

1:17:58

plus three, a five. You

1:18:02

fall to the ground and

1:18:07

you realize that

1:18:09

you are paralyzed.

1:18:12

You try to move to come

1:18:15

to your feet to take any kind

1:18:17

of defensive position, but

1:18:19

something is coursing through your

1:18:21

veins that is making that

1:18:23

quite impossible. A

1:18:26

foot kicks

1:18:29

you roughly over so that you

1:18:31

are lying on your back bleeding

1:18:33

on the streets of

1:18:35

Lumen-O. You

1:18:37

still have your lantern on your

1:18:39

belt and as

1:18:42

you roll it shines upwards.

1:18:45

And where

1:18:48

there is at first nothing,

1:18:51

there is suddenly a

1:18:55

shadow of light, a projection

1:18:58

that this lantern is making visible.

1:19:02

It is of a young man with

1:19:05

a mop top of curly hair

1:19:09

holding the blade. The

1:19:14

invisible man has

1:19:17

come for his revenge. You

1:19:42

can't get out of

1:19:45

my sight. You are

1:19:48

as Am

1:19:50

I I I I

1:19:54

I I I I

1:19:58

I I I ś

1:20:03

ś

1:20:44

Maximum Fun. A worker-owned

1:20:46

network of artist-owned shows. Supported

1:20:49

directly by you.