0:00

The McElroy brothers are not experts.

0:04

And their advice should never be

0:06

followed. Old Travis insists

0:09

he's a sexpert. But

0:13

if there's a degree on his wall, I

0:16

haven't seen it. Also,

0:18

this show isn't for babies, which

0:20

I mention only so the

0:22

babies out there know how cool they

0:24

are for listening. What's

0:27

up, you cool baby?

0:30

One, two, three.

0:32

It's the start of

0:34

something beautiful. A

0:37

small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ragged

0:40

into a precious friendship. I

0:44

could have never seen what was coming for me.

0:47

Hangs at the skate park,

0:49

hangs by the beach, my

0:51

life, it feels like. My

0:56

life, it's

0:59

better, it's better with you. My

1:02

life, it's

1:05

better, it's better with you. This

1:07

is true. My

1:11

life, it's better with you. My

1:15

life, it's

1:19

better with you. Hello, everybody, and

1:21

welcome to My Brother, My Brother, Me and Advice

1:23

Show for the Madrin era. I'm your oldest brother,

1:25

Justin McElroy. What's

1:30

up, Trav Nation? I'm

1:35

your middle-est brother, Travis Big Dog

1:37

Wolf, Wolf McElroy. What's

1:41

up, Trav Nation? I'm your sweet baby

1:44

brother, 30 under 30, media

1:46

luminary Griffin McElroy. Okay,

1:53

I want to ask you guys a serious question, because

1:55

this started on the last tour. Did

1:58

everybody get together and decide to do things? I

18:00

told them. I always

18:02

make sure to tell people, because it's so

18:04

serious. I'm sure I'd mention it. To be

18:06

fair, if someone said to

18:08

me, Travis, when you go meet these

18:10

geese for the verdict show

18:12

deference, don't make eye contact, I'd be like,

18:15

you got it. And then my brain would

18:17

be like, look in their eyes, Travis. It

18:19

is very fair, though, in your defense, because

18:22

you're here. They're not like the,

18:24

yeah, fuck geese. Wait, no, don't

18:26

fuck geese. No, listen. But

18:28

those necks, listen. But if you do, do

18:31

not look at them in the eyes while

18:33

you do it. No kissing.

18:37

I bet you it would have never

18:39

even crossed your mind to look a

18:41

goose in the eye. Yeah, it's never,

18:43

never in a million years until the

18:45

thoughts in there, the intrusive thoughts are

18:48

like, sneak a peek and stare down.

18:50

What's the worst that happened with that

18:52

geese's soul? It's never

18:54

been my impulse to look at

18:56

anything or anyone in their eyes.

18:59

Tell me about it. I

19:01

just did it. Yeah, I hated it. Yeah, it's

19:04

no good. I didn't see anything in

19:06

there. It was weird. Will

19:08

you guys stop saying that about my

19:10

eyes? That's both of you in the

19:12

span of five minutes. Is

19:15

it true? We call them like we see. Do

19:17

I have it? No, it's fine. Okay. Listen.

19:22

Don't look at him. I'm

19:25

glad I was not in this situation

19:27

because I like to think that were

19:29

I, some sort of

19:32

primal kicking instinct would be

19:34

enabled in my

19:36

brain. That's how you establish dominance. Some sort

19:38

of like, if I see something that size

19:40

and profile, I would hope I have some

19:42

sort of primal kick left over from the

19:45

ancestors. Is it? Okay,

19:47

looking at goose in the eye

19:49

has to be bad most

19:52

of the time, but there must

19:54

be a circumstance where you look them in the

19:56

eye and they acknowledge something about you where

19:59

they bow to you. Yeah. So,

20:02

rather than not looking at the eye next time, look

20:04

at the eye better. I mean... Do

20:06

you think about that? Like, establish like, yeah,

20:08

you shouldn't have looked me in the eye.

20:11

Yeah. Pick that goose! Yeah,

20:13

you look dead in the eye and you're like, cuck, cuck, goose.

20:18

I don't think that goose is... Cuck, cuck, cuck,

20:21

goose! Didn't you hear, Griff? Griffon, I don't think you

20:23

heard it. No, I heard it, but the... Say it.

20:25

Cuck, cuck, cuck, goose. It's very good.

20:28

No, you didn't mean it. I think you did three cucks.

20:30

That's not right. I think... I

20:32

don't think you get it. You need to make

20:34

your... Because like duck, duck, goose. Like the game,

20:37

Griff. I get the... I get it. I

20:39

just... You guys are talking about talking to the

20:42

goose with human English language. Yeah.

20:44

Yeah. And it's like so funny.

20:46

Do they have ears? The

20:49

fact that we don't know that means that maybe we

20:52

should take human... Them understanding

20:54

human language, English language off

20:56

the table as advice that they

20:59

can be helpful. We should mention,

21:01

by the way, because it did not

21:03

occur to us backstage, we are not

21:05

doing another themed

21:08

episode about animals secretly. We

21:11

just happen to have three questions back

21:13

to back that are about animal interactions.

21:16

You need to make yourself. You

21:18

need to look at yourself in

21:20

the eyes and transform yourself into

21:22

someone who would call a goose.

21:25

If they saw you again, they would...

21:27

Whoa. There's

21:29

a risk there. I'll be safe. Because I think

21:31

what you want at best is a neutral relationship

21:33

with the goose. You don't want

21:36

to be accepted into the flock so

21:38

strongly that now they're looking to you

21:40

for guidance. You

21:42

don't want them to imprint, not to get

21:44

technical here. But if the goose looks at

21:46

you and you're like, you're the queen of

21:48

geese now, you're the king of geese, you're

21:50

the emperor of geese, whatever term they use,

21:52

I don't know, I'm not a fucking goose.

21:54

How embarrassing it would be if you went

21:56

to visit your friend's geese and they imprinted

21:58

on you. Oh my God. I

42:00

just fucking hear you. There's

42:03

a lot of smell coming. I don't know if

42:05

it's clear or bad. That's exactly it. My mind

42:07

hasn't even crossed the threshold of, you're about to

42:09

eat this, Griffin. Oh no. It's

42:12

right now, it's at the threshold of, this is

42:14

about to get way closer to your nose. One

42:18

of my senses doesn't even know what's heading its

42:20

way yet. Jake. Yeah,

42:22

you know what, Griffin? Let's break it down by that. Nasal,

42:26

right? Smell sense, bad. Zero

42:28

points. Visual sense, bad. So

42:31

tan, unbelievably tan. So tan.

42:33

You would believe in the

42:35

greenest tan. You didn't know

42:37

there were so many beige foods. Damn

42:41

it, man, it's so ranchy though.

42:43

The touch is cold all around, so

42:45

that's not. So there's only

42:48

one left. They

42:50

say white people have no culture. I

42:52

guess this is confirmation. Oh

42:55

my God. All

42:58

right, so are you recording this, Jake?

43:01

All right, kick ass. Let me know when it's party time.

43:05

Cheers, everyone. Cheers. It's

43:18

so cold. It's unbelievably

43:20

cold. All right. Artal?

43:29

It tastes like a waiter is about to rush over

43:31

to the table like no, no, no, sir, sir, sir,

43:33

sir, no, no, no, no. Sir, those

43:35

are decorative, sir. No,

43:38

that was from the table before, they didn't eat it. I

43:45

don't want a small one. I'm gonna finish

43:47

it. I don't, no, take it away. I'm

43:49

an adult. I

43:54

don't want to spit it out. I don't want to

43:56

swallow it, but I don't want it in my mouth

43:58

anymore. Like here's. as

46:01

you should. Hey, we're gonna call some folks

46:03

down to the microphone that we have. Thank

46:05

you, Jay. One more time for Jake, everybody.

46:16

It wasn't bad, though. Honestly,

46:18

that bread, you could put

46:20

just about any dang thing on that

46:23

bread. It's all right. I'll get through

46:25

it. It's going down like a lead

46:27

fucking balloon. It's rough inside, yeah. I'm

46:29

feeling a weight that's settled

46:31

inside me that I can't describe.

46:33

Those guys are charging down to

46:36

my stomach and they're about to

46:38

meet a rowdy band of shrimp

46:40

and grits. That is not

46:42

gonna enjoy them at all. It is reformed into

46:44

the sandwich it wants to go in. Stop it!

46:46

Fucking stop it! Stop! We're all going through the

46:48

same thing. Just stop talking. Not all of us

46:50

ate the whole thing, Griffin. That's

46:53

your cross to bear friend. All right, Griffin, who

46:55

we got? For science. We're gonna get some people

46:57

that we're gonna call down to the microphone. It

46:59

is here at stage left, right at the very

47:01

front. I'm

47:04

a burber, bud. And then we're gonna call

47:06

you down. I'm being sad that I sent

47:08

it back. There's a part of me that's

47:10

like, I am pretty hungry. Yeah, man. That

47:12

was what happened. Paul don't. Paul don't. Paul

47:14

don't. Don't, Paul. So we're gonna call some

47:16

folks down if you wanna tell us your

47:18

name and your pronouns if you'd like and

47:21

a brief summary of your question and we

47:23

will do our best to answer the question

47:25

but there may be some gastro-based

47:28

pauses in there. This

47:30

is such a beautifully tasteful theater.

47:33

This is a lovely place. Hello.

47:36

Hello, my name is Nicole. My pronouns are

47:38

they them. Hi Nicole. What is your question?

47:41

Do you want some sandwich? You know I'm

47:43

good right now. Okay. So

47:45

I've worked summer camps for the last 13 years

47:48

and I've picked up the hobby of making balloon animals

47:50

but I only get to use that hobby like once

47:53

a year. At camp I bet.

47:55

At camp. Yeah. Earlier today

47:57

in fact. Do you have any tips or tricks in

47:59

how I can? I

50:00

think. Justify snakes. As

50:04

someone once said to God. All right.

50:08

So it has a mouth and then it

50:10

has a tail that zigzags and then in

50:13

a different color, it has eyes and a

50:15

tongue. Okay. That sounds actually. The different color

50:17

word for me. Yeah. That got there. Why

50:19

would you not bring the balloons with you?

50:21

I made them earlier today. I'm really regretting

50:23

it now. Okay. I just would love one.

50:29

Actually, I take that back. Both

50:31

my kids are here. So two, if

50:34

you have the same color, same shape.

50:36

They'll fight. In the future, they invent

50:38

time travel and you come back to

50:40

this moment to rectify your life's greatest

50:42

mistake. You can

50:44

bring two long balloons with which to

50:46

make unicorns. I imagine. Do you

50:49

want one as long as we're changing time? I would love one too. If

50:51

you could do like a hat with like a

50:54

monkey on it. And if this isn't asking

50:56

too much, if you could form a balloon into

50:58

the sports almanac for the next 50 years. No

51:01

problem. And bring that back. That

51:03

would be so huge. So choice. But don't make it

51:05

out of balloons because if it pops, I'm fucked. I'm

51:09

never going to open Justin's bird. As a

51:11

parent, when my children care, a balloon animal

51:13

they're very excited about, I see it as

51:15

a ticking time bomb of disappointment. It's like

51:17

buying a fish. Yeah. Could you? I

51:22

guess. The balloon animal of

51:24

animals. Could

51:27

you make balloon animals out of something more

51:29

lasting? Like pipe

51:31

cleaners. That's not going to pop. Yeah.

51:34

I don't think they call them balloon animals. No,

51:36

that kicks ass. Make your coworkers some pipe

51:38

cleaner turtles and say, I made you guys

51:40

some balloon animals. Like how

51:43

origami is often called the

51:48

balloon animals of paper. I don't think people

51:50

say that. Give

51:53

them the pipe cleaners and say, this is

51:55

like balloon animals, but better they don't pop.

51:58

Does that help Nicole? Yes, thank

52:01

you very much. You're welcome. Thank you. Thank

52:03

you. Don't let him

52:05

steal your sunshine, Nicole. Hey,

52:10

I'm Cody, he, him, and also funny enough,

52:13

I'm a friend of Jake's and didn't know

52:15

he would be here tonight. That's so great.

52:17

Hi, Cody. Hi. Hi, I'm

52:19

Kelsey. Hi, Jake. Hey, dude.

52:22

This is fun. They're just, hey. Okay.

52:27

What was your question? So

52:29

our daughter is three and she is

52:31

starting preschool this year and she is

52:33

convinced that Sonic and Tails

52:35

and Link and Zelda are going to

52:37

be in her preschool class because she

52:39

thinks they're her friends and we're trying

52:41

to break the news to her that

52:44

there will just be other toddlers that will

52:46

probably pee their pants in her class.

52:48

So how do you- Now you don't know that Sonic

52:50

doesn't pee his pants, do you? I

52:53

don't. He doesn't have pants though, so I think

52:55

it's just a- Yeah, it just gets all over

52:57

his fur and wherever he's running. I gotta say,

52:59

guys- It raises another question, does it? If I

53:01

ever went that fast, I don't think I'd ever

53:03

want to slow down. Yeah, I think it's, yeah.

53:05

It's only not to pee. It goes with the

53:07

wind. So how do we tell her that there's

53:09

just going to be other kids there and not

53:11

her, you know, best friends? I mean,

53:14

do, are you sure? Have

53:18

you gotten like a roster and

53:20

noticed that Sonic and Link and

53:22

Zelda and Tails weren't on it?

53:25

I don't know. And you know,

53:28

she might think that maybe if they wear a

53:30

shirt that has those kids on it, those characters

53:32

on it. That's a good compromise. You need to

53:34

start reaching out to the parents of the other

53:36

kids in the class now to start arranging them.

53:39

Get them costumes. Have Sonic

53:42

show up day one. Have

53:44

Link show up day two. It's the

53:46

same kid. Every

53:49

kid's looking for their end. As

53:51

parents, we forget sometimes we

53:53

don't have to teach them everything. Some

53:56

things the world will teach them. You know what I

53:59

mean? You can share in that

54:01

like, are you kidding me? None

54:03

of them? And you can even, what are

54:05

we, what are we

54:07

paying this? Dude, that's so- I

54:10

would've sworn. That's so fucked up.

54:12

My daycare had Q-Burt at it.

54:15

I'm gonna call your teacher right now. What's

54:18

that? They'll be there tomorrow? Okay.

54:20

Okay. Well listen little buddy, if they're

54:22

not there tomorrow, you let me know, cause I'm gonna flip

54:24

shit on them. Hey

54:27

buddy, remember, I'm sorry about that. We don't say that

54:29

outside in front of Sonic and Tails and the whole

54:31

crew, right? You don't wanna hear your curse. If

54:33

you cuss in front of Sonic, he

54:36

goes absolutely feral. It breaks the spell.

54:41

Just pissing everywhere. It

54:44

breaks the spell that keeps the human. And

54:47

even goes to feral edgels. When was

54:49

the last Sonic game you played that

54:52

that is your understanding of Sonic? You know how

54:54

he's chained down, foam at the

54:56

corner of his mouth. Every

54:58

time you curse, the chain snaps. Every Sonic

55:00

game starts with a human being at a

55:02

work office and then someone nearby is like

55:05

shit. And then he's like, ah

55:07

shit. He turns into Sonic the

55:09

Hedgehog and starts running super fast. Not again.

55:12

I didn't even work clear. The

55:15

cursing only turns him from

55:17

Sonic the Hedgehog into a feral hedgehog.

55:19

I didn't establish the means by which

55:22

he goes from feral hedgehog to the

55:24

hero. I understand. I'm not familiar with

55:26

the lore, but is that what Shadow

55:28

is? Yes, that's absolutely what

55:30

Shadow is. Shadow is when he goes nuts,

55:32

starts shitting all over the walls and just

55:34

tearing through people. I

55:38

was gonna ask if that helped, but I know

55:40

for a fucking fact, we have said nothing helpful

55:42

to you the entire time. But thank you for

55:44

your time. I very much appreciate it. We'll get

55:46

to tell her that we saw Toad at the

55:48

show. Yeah, there you go. Hello.

55:53

Hello, I'm Brian, he, him. Hi

55:55

Brian. So my grandma recently

55:57

became a great grandma because one of my...

56:00

cousins had a

56:02

baby. Congratulations. And

56:04

so it's very exciting

56:06

and I have another cousin who's currently

56:08

pregnant which will be her second great-grandchild

56:11

and at a family gathering recently that

56:13

I was not there for sadly my

56:15

cousin was showing my grandma the ultrasound

56:17

photos and my grandma really did not

56:19

want to see them. Yeah. So

56:23

my question is my wife and I

56:25

if all goes according to plan could

56:28

get pregnant soon. Right. So when

56:30

we inevitably show my grandmother these

56:33

very touching photos how do

56:35

we get her to appreciate them and not be

56:37

scared of them and not be scared of them

56:39

or repulsed or wondering why we showed them to

56:41

her in the first place. Yes because it looks

56:43

like the topographical map of some sort of desert

56:46

somewhere that has the vague hint of a face

56:48

on it somewhere. It looks like

56:50

one of those you know like toys

56:52

where you press your face against pins.

56:55

Yes it looks exactly like that. Yeah.

56:57

They need to they need to improve

56:59

dramatically ultrasound technology so it doesn't look

57:01

like when people say that Jesus got burnt

57:03

onto a piece of toast. Yeah. Or

57:06

like if Clayface was pretending to be a baby.

57:09

Was your grandma just like

57:11

talk to me when their skin's

57:13

not translucent? Like what

57:15

is that what was the response exactly

57:17

like did you get details from that

57:20

because to just say I'm not looking

57:22

at that lumpy pile of mashed potatoes

57:24

that doesn't look like me at all.

57:27

It seems like it was more of a like

57:29

who wants to see this yeah kind of vibe.

57:32

Well okay. For some context this

57:34

is on brand for my grandma

57:36

she's very petty and passive-aggressive in

57:38

the best possible way. Alright now

57:40

the question is shifted. And

57:44

also she wasn't proud of me at graduation.

57:47

When I was in college my friends

57:49

bought where in New York and they

57:52

from a street vendor

57:54

bought a pirated copy

57:56

of the Bruce Willis film Sergents.

57:59

And when they got back they said Justin

58:01

we're gonna watch surrogates we

58:04

bought a pirated copy in New York and

58:06

I said what I

58:08

don't know if I ever want to watch surrogates but if

58:10

I do I want it to

58:13

be the intended experience and

58:16

wait we're in a mental way Brenna

58:18

meant it and not a VHS camera

58:20

recording from the aisle in like a

58:22

unlit theater in you know the barren

58:25

wastelands of Eastern Europe or something right

58:28

so I want to watch the actual

58:30

surrogates to me ultrasound photography is

58:33

the pirated copy of surrogates interesting

58:35

I want to just inside weren't

58:37

follow-up if I may I

58:39

want to see the baby pristine

58:43

I want to see the baby at its

58:45

peak and this this is not done

58:48

cooking okay this needs a little more

58:50

time like when a friend cuz like

58:52

I'm working on some demos of some

58:54

songs do I don't I

58:56

don't go ahead and finish them you know yeah

58:58

I think what would be better

59:01

is just a written note from the doctor

59:03

maybe just even a paragraph describing what they

59:05

see in the picture because your grandma's just

59:08

gonna be like

59:10

what am I looking at here is

59:13

that the brow line or what is

59:15

it Justin what did you think of

59:17

surrogates when you did watch I haven't

59:19

yet but oh

59:22

but there's a lesson there isn't there maybe

59:25

you'll never see this baby maybe she'll never look

59:27

at them no I think she'll probably look at

59:29

the baby I bet careful we

59:31

we can't do it again guys yeah

59:33

once a show please

59:35

just tell your immortal grandma to be nicer

59:38

thank you so much for your also you

59:40

could just print out a picture of like

59:42

a cartoon baby like imagine like

59:44

this it's like this but more like how

59:46

I love I had I had a I

59:49

had a Photoshop expert whip up a picture

59:51

of me and the baby's parents

59:53

people who do Dateline said this is what

59:55

the baby will look like in three months

59:58

did that help absolutely thank you Thank you.

1:00:01

Thank you. Thank you. Thank

1:00:03

you. Thank you.

1:00:05

Hello. Hey. Hi. I'm

1:00:08

Cheyenne. My pronouns are she, they. Hi,

1:00:10

Cheyenne. How's it going? Good. So

1:00:13

about a year ago, my fiancé and I bought a house,

1:00:15

and the basement is only like half finished, but it's where

1:00:17

like our TV is, and that's where we hang out. And

1:00:20

the bathroom down there is so scary. It

1:00:23

is filled with spiders. The

1:00:25

wallpaper is peeling. And I

1:00:27

got a clearance sign of Shrek. That's

1:00:30

like a little Shrek, and it says, King of the Swamp.

1:00:33

And I hung it in the bathroom to try and make the

1:00:35

vibes a little better. Hey.

1:00:41

We stand reasonable expectations,

1:00:43

Cheyenne. But

1:00:46

my fiancé hates the sign once it's

1:00:48

gone. My question

1:00:50

is, how do I convince her to let me

1:00:53

keep that? And I, Cheyenne, before we get into

1:00:55

this, I want to say the

1:00:57

question that you sent us included the

1:00:59

word like spooky bathroom in

1:01:01

my brain, because the word spooky has a

1:01:04

playful element to it. It was like, we've

1:01:06

got kind of a scary bathroom theme, not

1:01:08

like, oh no, oh no, we go

1:01:11

in this bathroom and never come out.

1:01:13

Yeah. I do think

1:01:15

though, if I was in a scary

1:01:18

situation, and I was like looking

1:01:20

around like, what, and

1:01:22

then I saw a picture of Shrek. Yeah.

1:01:25

It'd be a little better.

1:01:27

Yeah, it would brighten it,

1:01:29

but not alive. It

1:01:32

wouldn't just brighten it, Cheyenne. You've

1:01:34

done something so beautiful here, which

1:01:37

is that if I'm a guest in your house,

1:01:40

in your basement bathroom, which is,

1:01:43

I hope I'm not a, why would I be there?

1:01:45

That's wild. But if I'm a guest

1:01:47

in your house, in your basement bathroom, and I'm sitting

1:01:49

on the toilet, so it's too late for me to

1:01:51

stand out because I've recently eaten a very cold and

1:01:54

big and stinky sandwich. And

1:01:56

I'm looking around and I'm like, oh fuck, that's

1:01:59

a lot of spiders. Uh oh, the wall. walls

1:02:01

are full of dirty wallpaper. But wait a minute,

1:02:03

there's a picture of Shrek. Is all of this

1:02:05

on theme? Is

1:02:08

it all part of one big picture?

1:02:12

If you want to go for that, just get like a

1:02:15

funny ghost. You know, like

1:02:17

one funny ghost that you hang up there was

1:02:19

like, I guess it's a Halloween room. I

1:02:21

guess. The ghost does need

1:02:23

to be new and pristine decoration because

1:02:26

an old like tattered dirty in

1:02:29

the corner ghost is like, well, this used to be

1:02:31

a thing. You

1:02:35

could convince your fiancee that

1:02:37

the Shrek sign will go away

1:02:40

when all the scary spiders and

1:02:42

bad wallpapers goes away. That's the

1:02:44

current agreement. Okay. Sounds

1:02:46

pretty foolproof to me. I don't know what else

1:02:48

we can sprinkle on top of it. Cheyenne, you've

1:02:50

actually inspired a new movement of like, oh, I've

1:02:52

been asking this person again and again, you need

1:02:54

to fix this thing. I'm going

1:02:56

to put Shrek in there as blackmail until, until,

1:02:59

hey, mow the lawn. I've asked you

1:03:01

eight times. I will. Well, Shrek's out

1:03:04

there now. And

1:03:06

if you want Shrek gone, I need that

1:03:09

grass gone. Does that,

1:03:12

this one, that helped. That helped. Yeah. Allie,

1:03:14

you're up there at the end. You're so welcome,

1:03:16

Cheyenne. Thank you, Cheyenne. Thank you.

1:03:21

Hello. Hi, pal. Hello.

1:03:23

Patrick, he, him. Hi, Patrick. What's your question?

1:03:26

I think we can all agree that trains

1:03:28

are pretty cool. Yes. Trains are pretty cool.

1:03:30

The backbone of this nation. Exactly. Exactly. I'm

1:03:33

a civil engineer. I do a lot of

1:03:35

car stuff, but I've

1:03:37

been recently pretending to be a human at

1:03:39

work and letting people know bits about my

1:03:41

personal life. Some of that is model trains.

1:03:44

What I want to do is put myself in

1:03:46

a situation where I can drive a steam engine,

1:03:49

but do that in more than just like a lap

1:03:51

at Cedar Point. So how do I

1:03:53

develop the skills? Wait, is that an offer? Wait,

1:03:55

hold on. Is that easily attainable?

1:03:58

Yeah, I just did that. Wrong

1:04:00

one on the ladder? Before we litigate. I'm

1:04:02

gonna cancel tomorrow's show if I can go

1:04:04

drive a steam engine at Cedar Point. Sorry,

1:04:08

go ahead. That

1:04:11

basically was the question. Yeah, how can you get-

1:04:13

I didn't think you'd ever pick it. Yeah, how

1:04:15

can you become a steam engine captain? Well. Currently,

1:04:19

you're a civil engineer, so as far

1:04:21

as I know, you're halfway there. Right.

1:04:24

In that you've gone halfway too

1:04:26

far. Chop one of those words off. Yeah,

1:04:28

yeah, yeah. In the question you

1:04:30

asked, how could you increase your odds of

1:04:32

this happening? So I have to ask now, what

1:04:35

would you guess are the odds that you

1:04:37

just happened to end up driving

1:04:39

a steam engine? There's a

1:04:41

scenario where we're at the park and

1:04:43

a guy running the train is having a

1:04:45

medical emergency. Okay, now hold on.

1:04:49

Not to drive the point home. Justin

1:04:51

didn't ask, what scenario can you see

1:04:53

yourself drive? He said, right now, you

1:04:55

walk out of the theater tonight, shows

1:04:57

don't know why. Patrick is saying, here's

1:04:59

a hypothetical that keeps it from being

1:05:02

zero. It's

1:05:04

somewhere between meeting a shark outside and meeting

1:05:06

a lion outside. Okay, so it's good. I

1:05:08

love that. It's not terrible. Patrick, do

1:05:11

you know, I don't

1:05:13

know how one becomes a train engineer.

1:05:15

There's probably like 60 of

1:05:18

them, maybe? There's not like a ton

1:05:20

of trains. Especially steam engine engineer.

1:05:22

Not a lot of those running on

1:05:24

the rails currently, if I'm not mistaken.

1:05:27

A lot of diesel engines. Maybe

1:05:29

it's Highlander rules where if you

1:05:32

behead a train engineer, let's not.

1:05:34

I try that. There's gotta be a

1:05:36

better way from that. It might be

1:05:38

a hereditary pass down. You might need

1:05:40

to be adopted by a current steam

1:05:42

engineer who leaves it to you in

1:05:44

their will. Yeah, they make you as

1:05:46

a ritual test, eat a piece of

1:05:48

coal and shoot steam out of your ears.

1:05:51

Patrick, are you sure you want this life? Are

1:05:53

you ready for that? Are you ready to eat

1:05:55

coal and shoot steam? They make you eat spicy

1:05:57

food and shoot steam out. Are you ready, Patrick?

1:06:00

Is there ever time when you don't need a fog machine though?

1:06:03

No, you have to do it. No, hey,

1:06:05

it doesn't sound like you want to increase

1:06:07

your odds. Patrick, Patrick,

1:06:10

Patrick, I think a really funny

1:06:12

long con would be for

1:06:15

you to work for like 20 years to

1:06:17

make this dream of driving a steam engine

1:06:19

happen. And then when they're finally like,

1:06:21

all right, go ahead, little guy, you've earned your shot.

1:06:23

You're like, how the fuck do I do it? Like,

1:06:26

you know, like, what do I do? Where would I

1:06:28

pull this? Nope. Okay. I

1:06:31

just had the hat and stayed there for 20 years. I

1:06:33

don't know how to do it. How do you do it?

1:06:35

Which one of these buttons goes choo choo? And

1:06:37

remind me, do I need to make it

1:06:40

hot in that little hole or cold in

1:06:42

that little hole? What do you guys shovel?

1:06:44

Is this a prestige thing where

1:06:46

you just want to be able to tell people,

1:06:48

yeah, I'm a steam engineer. I

1:06:50

mean, I'm already married, so

1:06:53

I'm not like, you know, I'm not saying are you going

1:06:55

to use it to pick up. So

1:06:58

what I'm hearing, Patrick, you've got

1:07:00

two items on your bucket list.

1:07:03

One of them you've checked off. Right. Well,

1:07:06

I'm already married, so the only thing left

1:07:09

for me. I want to get married, drive

1:07:11

a train and die with my boots on.

1:07:13

That's my three things. I

1:07:15

would say what you need to do

1:07:18

is slowly build to steam

1:07:20

engineer, because say you did it tomorrow. Now

1:07:23

both things on your bucket list are checked off.

1:07:25

Yeah, that's true. You need to build to you

1:07:28

don't want it to be easy. If it was

1:07:30

easy, everyone would do it. You need to start

1:07:32

by pulling the engine. People

1:07:34

always talk about I think I can, I think I can,

1:07:36

I think I can. They never talk about what now?

1:07:40

Well, I did, I did, I did, I did. Should

1:07:42

I have kids? I

1:07:44

should go back to school. Something,

1:07:46

you know, what next? Enjoying the

1:07:49

little things. Patrick, if you

1:07:51

want to tell people you're a steam engineer, you

1:07:53

could just learn some pretty cool vape

1:07:55

tricks. Enough. so

1:08:00

that you could comfortably put steam

1:08:02

engineer slash artist on your

1:08:05

resume. Yeah. I

1:08:07

was about to ask if that helped, but I feel

1:08:09

like we're actually getting further from God's light at this

1:08:11

point. So I would just thank you so much for

1:08:13

your time, Patrick. Thank you, Patrick. I appreciate you. All

1:08:23

right, folks, thank you so

1:08:25

much for your kindness. You could

1:08:27

please be darkened. That would

1:08:29

be... You could all make yourself

1:08:32

disappear. It's out of your control,

1:08:34

I know, but maybe if you wish. Bye, everybody. Make

1:08:36

yourself shady. It's just that there's a lot of you

1:08:38

and seeing you is kind of... Thank you so much

1:08:40

for having me. You're gone. It's just

1:08:42

us. Now, if also you guys would all just

1:08:44

stay in these seats until tomorrow night when we

1:08:46

do the adventure zone. We'd really appreciate that. We'd

1:08:48

really appreciate that. And if you...it's an honor system.

1:08:50

If you don't already have a ticket, we expect

1:08:52

you to get on your phones as soon as

1:08:54

our lights go off. Buy yourself

1:08:56

one for tomorrow night. Come back then and

1:08:59

we'll see you guys then. Let's hear it

1:09:01

for Jake from Roll for Sandwich. Thank you,

1:09:03

Jake. Thank you so much, Jake. Let's hear

1:09:06

it for stage manager Paul. Thank

1:09:08

you so much, Paul. Let's

1:09:11

hear it for our... Sawbones.

1:09:13

Sawbones. Oh, hey, gosh. Let's

1:09:16

hear it for our dad. She

1:09:22

discovered weed backstage and his

1:09:24

outfit just kind of materialized.

1:09:28

Oh, no. Actually what happened, I forgot

1:09:30

to tell you, I gave him his first ever

1:09:33

buttery nipple. Because

1:09:36

Sydney had some leftover pre-made

1:09:38

buttery nipple shots from Escape

1:09:40

to Margaritaville. She got in

1:09:42

a habit of just carrying them in her overall pockets.

1:09:44

Like she whips them out like some sort of demented

1:09:47

fourth doctor. Like, would you like a buttery

1:09:49

nipple? Like, no, I don't. But she gave

1:09:51

one to dad. It's his first ever. He

1:09:54

houses it and he's like, I

1:09:56

actually love that. How do you make that? Where

1:09:58

do I get more of that? He said.