0:00

Give a little time for the child within

0:03

you, don't be afraid to be young and

0:05

free. Undo the locks and throw

0:07

away the keys and take off your shoes and

0:09

socks and run you. It's

0:11

Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's

0:14

Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. You

0:16

know, Jordan, I say America's Radio Sweetheart.

0:19

I'm actually an international podcasting sweetheart

0:21

now. Congratulations. Thank you very much.

0:23

It's about time that our friends

0:25

across the sea learned

0:28

of your talents. I

0:30

think regular listeners to this program will

0:32

know that the

0:35

highlight of my quarter, each

0:38

fiscal quarter, is my

0:40

visit to Costco, the bulk

0:43

discount club membership

0:45

store. I

0:47

love to buy ribeye

0:49

caps. I love to get some

0:51

ribeye caps. I love to buy wine

0:54

and liquor for my wife. Samples?

0:56

You like to get samples? Don't

0:58

care about samples. So interesting. I'll

1:00

eat the samples, but not if there's people waiting

1:02

in line to get them. I don't want to

1:05

have to push brush past

1:07

someone. You just want to be able

1:09

to grab a sample on your way by, toss it in

1:11

your mouth and not have to deal with, you know, Johnny's

1:14

sample guy who's going to give you the hard

1:16

sell. Yeah, but I

1:18

also, it's not that. I don't want

1:20

to deal with Sally

1:23

Costco sample enthusiast. Okay.

1:26

And that's like, you know, they're like,

1:28

they're like trying to box you out. I

1:30

don't think I'd go to Costco enough

1:32

to have been experienced being boxed out

1:35

by Sally sample enthusiast. Yeah,

1:37

but she sounds like a real piece of

1:39

work. Yeah, there's a lady there throwing bows

1:41

down in the post. Wow, just for an

1:43

eighth of a bagel dog. Yeah, exactly. Oh

1:45

my gosh. But no, yeah, my, my, you

1:47

know, we had a cost commitment as a

1:49

kid and we went and I always had

1:51

fun with the samples. So those are my

1:53

like Costco based memories. Yeah, I think. Oh,

1:56

before anybody, they had a Super Nintendo set

1:58

up and you could you could could

2:00

play it before any of my friends had it.

2:03

My parents would just leave me at the Super

2:05

Nintendo. Was this a Costco, a price club, or

2:08

a price Costco? Ooh, great question. It might have

2:10

been price club. Yeah, does that? Price

2:12

club? Does one of them have Super Nintendo and one

2:15

of them not have Super Nintendo? I mean, I think

2:17

there were more. I mean, my memory, maybe

2:19

this was just in Northern California. There were more

2:21

price clubs. And then they merged and turned into

2:23

price Costco. And then eventually they dropped the price

2:26

and just became Costco. One time my

2:28

therapist said to me, Jesse,

2:30

why do you think you like Costco so much?

2:32

I only just mentioned it off hand. It's not

2:34

like I'm always talking about Costco. And

2:36

I think that she was worried

2:39

that I had been

2:42

starved as a child or experienced

2:44

some other trauma that required me

2:47

to buy whole foods. And

2:49

in fact, I never

2:52

wanted for food as a child, thank goodness. But

2:55

it truly was like my

2:57

dad buying a two-year-old Honda

2:59

Accord station wagon, joining

3:02

Costco and getting cable

3:05

all happened in one fell

3:08

swoop when my dad inherited $25,000 from a

3:10

dead aunt and

3:13

also got his PTSD certified as a

3:15

disability and got service-related disability payments. So

3:18

it was like all those things happened

3:20

all at once and represented my family

3:22

joining the middle class when I

3:24

was about 13. It was

3:26

very, very exciting. So I think I

3:28

probably still associate that with Costco. My

3:31

dad's just utter glee at

3:33

how many ramen noodle packets I could

3:35

buy. But anyway, I got

3:37

an email the other day that said,

3:40

hi, my name is so-and-so. I'm

3:42

a freelance journalist. I

3:45

love any email that starts like that. Yeah, I'm

3:47

working on a story. And

3:49

I've- Hi, I'm so-and-so. I'm a freelance journalist.

3:51

Do you have any work for me? Yeah.

3:56

And it's like, I've heard you may be

3:58

a Costco member. to

4:01

which I replied, by yes, of course. Wait,

4:03

was that the whole email? Well,

4:05

then she signed her name and asked

4:08

if that was the case. That's cryptic.

4:10

I hear you may be a Costco

4:12

member. So I said yes. It turns

4:14

out this woman is a

4:17

Canadian reporter for Costco

4:19

Connection Magazine. She

4:21

says, can I interview you? We're

4:23

doing a cover feature about podcasting.

4:26

And let me be clear, this cover

4:29

feature, this story about podcasting, I

4:31

would directly compare to the one

4:33

that I was in in Time

4:35

Magazine in 2006, 2005,

4:43

2000, same tone, same content. Just

4:48

this is what podcasting is. Right. Here's

4:50

how you listen to it. You know,

4:52

you don't need an iPod. Yeah. You

4:54

know, you don't need an iPod.

4:57

Yeah, you can use this thing they don't sell anymore.

5:00

You can use your. It is weird

5:02

that the name of it is just tied to

5:04

this dead thing that doesn't exist. You can use

5:06

your creative Rio or whatever it's called. You're

5:09

zoned. And I

5:11

said her yes. As she said. I said, you're Vida?

5:14

Maybe there's a way to listen to podcasts on the

5:16

Vida? I bet

5:18

there was. Yeah, I like that. And

5:21

she could do everything. She interviewed

5:23

me. She interviewed me

5:25

about podcasting. Sort

5:27

of just like, how do you

5:30

podcast? What makes a good podcast?

5:32

Do you need an iPod? Yeah,

5:34

exactly. She's a very, very nice

5:37

woman. Then she asked

5:39

for some photographs. And

5:41

then nothing happened for tasteful photographs or were.

5:44

She wanted she said she said. Hang

5:47

dog. Hard R. Hard R. Is

5:50

what she said. So she wanted

5:52

she wanted. You know

5:54

those muscles that point down at your dick?

5:56

Come get her shirt. Yeah, so she wanted

5:58

me to show off my. But

6:01

you get that a lot. From journalists

6:03

or from people like Costco. Yeah, freelance

6:05

journalists. Sally

6:07

Sample enthusiast. Yeah. You can

6:10

have this sun-dried tomato puff if you show

6:12

me your cum gutters. I sent in some

6:14

pictures. Two months,

6:16

nothing happened. I thought

6:18

to myself, well, that was fun

6:20

when I talked to that woman who was pretending to

6:22

be from Costco. And

6:26

then I get an email in my

6:28

inbox from our friend Graham Clark of

6:30

Stop Podcasting Yourself. And

6:32

it says, wow, big news.

6:34

Congratulations. Yeah. And

6:36

then the body of the email is, my

6:39

parents just called me. They said you're in

6:41

their Costco magazine. That's

6:44

who you hear it from. So, okay. So

6:47

are you on the cover? I'm not on

6:49

the cover. There's a picture of some headphones

6:51

and a microphone on the cover. I

6:54

think they figured that was going to sell

6:56

more on the newsstand than a picture of

6:58

me. It's

7:01

relatable. Everybody knows where headphones

7:03

go. One on each

7:05

ear. That's amazing. So,

7:08

as a Costco member, do you automatically

7:10

get that magazine? So I was worried

7:12

that I wasn't getting it because it

7:14

was weeks after Graham's parents got theirs

7:17

in Calgary that I got

7:19

mine. But I think it's just because it truly

7:21

is a global magazine. I

7:23

finally did get mine in the mail.

7:26

It does actually feature me and a picture of me.

7:28

Oh my gosh. A few paragraphs about me. I

7:31

immediately got... Is that why

7:33

our listenership has spiked? Yeah. Hello

7:36

Costco members. We're

7:38

talking about chicken bakes next. I'm George Szego.

7:41

I got an email from this... What's the

7:43

maximum you should pay for a hot dog?

7:46

I got an email from this show business

7:48

publicist that we work with sometimes

7:50

for like a bull's-eye guest. She

7:52

represents movie stars, like real famous people.

7:56

And I don't know if I've ever met her in real

7:59

life. She might have come with some... somebody at some

8:01

point, but I know her name from, you

8:03

know, trying to book guests on Bullseye. And

8:05

she said, saw you in Costco Connection,

8:08

big get. And then

8:10

I emailed back and I was like, yeah,

8:13

it was fun. I genuinely love

8:15

Costco. I'm an executive member. And

8:18

she said, me too. Also

8:20

did you know that's the most, the

8:23

highest, what do you call that? Circulation.

8:25

Circulation. Also, did you

8:28

know that's the highest circulation magazine in

8:30

the world? I totally believe

8:32

it. I bet it's between Costco

8:34

and like the AAA magazine. Yeah.

8:37

So the AARP magazine is number two. But

8:40

the Costco magazine, apparently, because it

8:43

is worldwide, has a little more

8:45

than the AARP magazine. 55 million.

8:48

Wow. This is great.

8:50

I hope you talked up this show on

8:52

there. What I think is

8:55

it seems like I should get something

8:59

from Costco, right? Like I know that's

9:01

not how journalism works, but if there's

9:03

coupons for the thing on the cover,

9:06

should I get? I'm not like

9:08

I'm not saying I should get a new. You want a dollar 25,

9:10

hot dog. Yeah,

9:13

that's kind of what I'm thinking. You know,

9:15

I'm wondering, have you been in since the

9:17

magazine came out? I haven't yet. Do you

9:19

think I'll get recognized? I mean, I here's

9:21

what I'm imagining. I'm imagining they'll clock you.

9:24

Yeah. Coming in the greeter. There's

9:26

like there's still like a greeter at Costco. Somebody's

9:28

kind of welcoming you. I feel like I remember.

9:30

That person is checking your membership card. Oh, okay.

9:33

Yes. They greet you by screening

9:35

you. Right. I bet they'll look at

9:37

you, look at the card and go right

9:39

this way, Mr. Thorn. I want

9:41

to show you where the regular sized products are.

9:43

Oh, wow. And I bet you're going to be

9:46

able to buy like a two pack of paper

9:48

towels. At a Costco price. Costco

9:51

price. A little bit

9:53

more than the cards at CVS. Yeah. Like

9:55

we don't let everybody see the regular sized

9:57

products. I did do this, Jordan. Here's one

9:59

hand. I know that

10:01

the only subreddits that I really talk

10:03

about on this show are Ask

10:06

Los Angeles, r slash

10:08

marbles, and of course, Dragon's

10:10

fucking Cars. But I also- Are

10:12

there more than those? Do they have other ones? So I looked into

10:15

it. Thank you for bringing that up. I looked

10:17

into it. I am a member

10:19

of the Costco subreddit. I had

10:21

joined it actually shortly before getting this email because

10:24

it had been suggested by

10:26

an algorithm. I just,

10:29

when I hear Costco subreddit, I'm like,

10:31

that is either lovely or a nightmare.

10:33

So it's a great mix of both.

10:35

Okay, okay. A lot of pictures of

10:38

weird shit going down in parking lots.

10:40

Okay. They really hate the

10:42

burnt ends. You

10:44

can barely get burnt ends at Costco and they

10:46

hate them. Okay. I usually

10:49

like that as a, you know, just thing

10:51

to order on a menu. And there's so

10:53

much controversy over them having switched from a

10:55

clamshell to a bag for the rotisserie chicken.

10:57

Okay. A lot of talk about

11:00

that. But since I was a member of that

11:02

subreddit, I said to myself, you

11:04

know, I think when you're an entertainer, you're

11:06

often uncomfortable with self promotion. Sure. But

11:09

I said to myself, you know what I'm gonna do? I

11:12

took a look at the subreddit rules. No

11:14

rules against self promotion. Yeah. I

11:16

said, I'm gonna post this article

11:18

about me that was in Costco connection, there

11:21

you go. In the Costco subreddit and say,

11:23

yeah, sorry to brag, but I was

11:25

featured in Costco connection

11:28

this month. And I truly

11:30

thought people were gonna turn against me. Nothing

11:33

but support. Hey. Nothing but positivity

11:35

and support. That's great. Met a

11:37

few max fundsters that were already

11:39

in the Costco subreddit. They're hanging

11:41

out worlds. They all said my

11:43

worlds are colliding. And I

11:45

thought, well, if those are your worlds,

11:47

it's an unusual set of worlds. Not

11:49

because people who will listen to this

11:51

show wouldn't go to Costco, but simply

11:53

that, you know, what is the,

11:55

how many worlds can you have before you say worlds

11:57

colliding? I know what you're saying. Hey losers, get some.

12:00

some new worlds. Hey

12:02

losers, there's new worlds out

12:05

there. Anyway, it was a real

12:07

thrill and I'm

12:09

really looking forward to using Costco. That's

12:11

amazing. Knowing that metaphorically

12:13

I fucked its wife, you

12:15

know? Okay, yes. Like every time

12:17

I go into Costco, I'll

12:19

know. Right, but you're better

12:22

than it. Yeah, sort of like that,

12:24

you remember that UCB sketch, Ask Penny's?

12:27

It's sort of like Ask Penny's, but I've been

12:29

in their magazines. So you're gonna be the one

12:31

throwing bows at the sample table. I

12:33

don't think I'm even gonna need to. I think the

12:35

Sally sample tasters are

12:40

gonna like part before me, like the

12:42

Red Sea and Moses. The Moses of

12:44

Costco. Let my people

12:46

save. Indeed.

12:52

Anyway, that's me in Costco. Congratulations, that's

12:54

really, really cool. That's really exciting. I'm

12:57

really hoping, I really hope for

12:59

something like this for you, Jordan. I think I

13:01

don't know what the circulation of the Verdugo

13:04

Aquatic Center newsletter is. Right, it is, you

13:06

know, probably it is tacked up on a

13:08

bulletin board. So it's whatever, however many people

13:10

go in and out. And it's summertime, so

13:13

probably a lot. Right, I mean, probably Lori

13:15

Kilmartin gets it, right? I took a whack

13:17

at getting in the Orange County Register for

13:21

like book promo stuff. I did a book fair in

13:23

Orange County over the weekend and

13:25

I said to the organizers like, hey, I'd love

13:27

to do a little like local media. This book

13:29

I'm promoting set in Orange County, I grew up.

13:32

My parents still get the register. That'd

13:34

be really big. They couldn't help out, but

13:36

I like found the guy who does the

13:38

entertainment reporting for the Orange County Register and

13:41

like just send him a big email and like

13:43

send him a copy of the book and stuff

13:45

like that and didn't hear anything. I was pretty

13:47

bummed out. Jesus Christ. You know, Wallace Bain from

13:49

the Santa Cruz Sentinel would never, that

13:51

guy would send you an email back in a heartbeat. Right,

13:54

saying this is not right for us. So

13:57

let's introduce our guests and I wanna

13:59

give our. Our producer, our new

14:01

producer, Stephen Ray Morris, his first official

14:03

job, other than recording the show, and

14:05

booking the guest, and doing some other

14:07

stuff. And editing last week's show. And

14:09

editing last week's show. So his first

14:11

real job, take a look at the

14:13

Orange County Register's entertainment section, see what

14:16

they have been running instead of, you

14:18

know, a feature on me, their favorite

14:20

son. We'll talk to our guest and

14:22

we'll check in with you about that, I just wanna see

14:24

what they actually did. Probably. I'm gonna, can I

14:27

take a guess? Yeah. We'll have an interview

14:29

with Hobie from the Shorts. Yeah,

14:31

right. The

14:33

ape from TNC Surf. Out

14:37

of rehab and ready to fuck. Our

14:40

guest on the program, our

14:42

departing producer on Jordan

14:44

Jesse Go, by which we mean he is

14:47

terminally ill. But he's gonna soldier on, free

14:49

with that. Stand

14:51

up comedian, host of Hodge Yourself a

14:53

Gun, and what's

14:56

the Israel podcast called? Bad

14:58

Hasbar, the world's most moral podcast. Matt

15:00

Lee, hi Matt, how are you? I

15:02

am, I'm doing great. I gotta say

15:04

this is, I think this is my

15:06

first time being on an episode with

15:09

both of you in the studio. Yeah. And

15:12

I did not realize how

15:14

it feels to sit here

15:16

and watch you guys riff and

15:19

not be able to say anything.

15:22

You coulda jumped in. I felt bad, I was

15:24

like, listen, this is, you know, this is like

15:27

my last time. You felt like you

15:29

were excluded from just potting

15:31

up that mic or sliding up that fader

15:33

and saying, I don't care for this. Yeah,

15:35

yeah. I'm not paying attention. At

15:37

any point, Steven is now in the seat in

15:40

which, at any point, Steven, you can tell them

15:42

you don't like the show. No,

15:44

didn't. But

15:47

yeah, no, I'm stoked to be

15:49

here and talk to you guys.

15:51

Yeah, do you have any experience with Costco?

15:53

I love Costco. I mean, it is, it's

15:57

a funny thing to be emailed

15:59

about. Yeah, because

16:02

it feels a little bit like some an email and

16:04

you're like hey, I heard you like music. Yeah Who

16:08

doesn't love Costco? I was building the

16:10

thing as it said Los Angeles area

16:12

Costco member Jesse Thorne says blah blah

16:15

blah blah It wasn't Like

16:17

it started with that it wasn't slash

16:20

Podcaster after that Los Angeles area Costco

16:22

member Jesse Thorne founded the maximum fund

16:26

In 2000 yeah with help from

16:28

Costco exactly I love the idea

16:30

of the multi-hyphenate but starting with

16:32

executive Costco Club member Yeah, it's

16:34

just letting you know that that's

16:36

important to the magazine your triple

16:38

threat Costco member. Yeah triple-a member

16:41

Yeah, and highlights magazine sure what

16:43

else is important hub premium subscriber?

16:47

Yeah, no, I love Costco. I'm

16:49

also not a samples person though Okay,

16:52

you know what I'm talking about right

16:54

where people are hovering around it waiting

16:56

for the Go

16:58

Dan and you feel like you

17:00

obviously want whatever they're giving away

17:03

free, but it's nice chicken tikka

17:05

masala Yeah, who doesn't want and it's free and there's

17:07

a nice person who's gonna give it to you and

17:09

and honestly They don't do the hard sell. They're just

17:11

like hey take it if you want or don't and

17:13

it's like they're very nice about it But the problem

17:15

is is you're huddled. There's a problem

17:17

with the Costco subreddit, which is sort of

17:19

like There's our slash

17:22

podcasts and our slash Podcasting right

17:24

or there's like our slash MLB

17:26

for Major League Baseball and our

17:28

slash baseball and in our slash

17:30

baseball There's these people who

17:32

always want to be talking about playing baseball

17:35

But most of the people in there just

17:37

wandered in and they just want to talk

17:39

about professional baseball players Yeah, no, no, no,

17:41

that's not for here. We talk about what

17:43

we could have done if we had played

17:45

Yeah, this is my cleats sizing. Yeah,

17:48

we're in a men's league There's

17:50

a problem like that with the Costco

17:53

subreddit, which is Most

17:55

of the posts are again about

17:57

shit going down in a parking

17:59

lot world's smallest Costco in Juneau,

18:01

Alaska, where everyone

18:03

is really impressed that the things cost the

18:06

standard price. There's no markup in the Costco

18:08

in Juneau, Alaska, which does sound nice. Different

18:11

things available in the food corridor, ready

18:14

to eat areas of international Costcos, these

18:16

sorts of things. I bet that's interesting.

18:18

Yeah. And then there's just people-

18:20

Probably a shrimp thing, huh? Then there's just

18:22

people posting about how come their manager won't

18:25

change their shift at Costco? It's just people

18:27

that work at Costco have their own parallel

18:30

dialogue going on. Oh yeah. There's got to be

18:32

tens of thousands of them. Yeah. There's so many

18:34

people work at Costco. And they're like, I thought

18:36

this is a subreddit for shooting on my boss.

18:39

And Costcos are union busters,

18:41

but they're the kind of union busters

18:44

where they pay really well and offer

18:46

really good benefits in order to prevent

18:48

unions from happening. So

18:50

people are really passionate

18:52

about their work at Costco. A lot of them

18:55

worked at like a Walmart or something that's a

18:57

nightmare. It's a constant struggle there

18:59

in the Costco subreddit. People who are

19:02

trying to learn the POS system versus

19:05

people who are trying to complain about those

19:07

burnt ends. Sure. I don't think I know

19:09

what burnt ends are. It's like when you

19:12

make a brisket, it's the little end- All

19:14

the best part. Yeah, exactly. Not unless you

19:16

get it at Costco, in which case it

19:18

sucks. Everyone's mad. They're yelling at that and

19:21

about chicken in a bag. Yeah, exactly. People

19:23

don't like the bag. They liked the clamshell

19:25

better. Yes, but the thing is-

19:27

It's fancier. Yeah, I mean- Bag-

19:30

The clam is the fanciest shell. Yeah. The

19:33

bag is much better for the environment. So there's a

19:35

lot of talk about whether the bag is a cost

19:38

saving move by Costco or an

19:40

environmentally moved by Costco. Okay. Because

19:43

it's not recyclable plastic in either

19:45

case, really. Is there a subreddit

19:47

for Costco members who are

19:49

also a climate change denier? Yeah,

19:51

it's r slash Costco. See,

19:54

there's a problem with one big subreddit.

19:56

You got to have miniature subreddits for

19:59

the specific- types of people going to

20:01

Costco. There was a picture of

20:03

somebody's car upside down in the Costco parking lot. A

20:05

lot of talk about how they could have pulled that

20:07

off. People trying

20:09

to figure it out. Yeah. Chicken bake had me

20:11

like. Matt,

20:15

we were talking pre-pod. You're

20:18

wearing some shorts. I'm wearing shorts. You're not usually

20:20

a shorts guy, but here you are in a

20:22

beautiful pair of shorts. I wanted to fit in.

20:24

I knew we'd all be inside the box today.

20:26

And I was like, well, they're going to wear

20:29

shorts, so I should wear shorts. No, I wore

20:31

these because it's so humid

20:33

that I had no other choice but

20:35

to wear shorts. I've been sweating

20:37

my balls off all day. But you don't love it. You

20:40

don't prefer. I'm not a shorts guy. Okay. If you look

20:42

at my legs. I think they're nice. I think you had

20:44

nice. Nice stems, baby. No, but

20:46

look how. They're

20:49

very. How? You have a slight dream. Stop coming

20:51

on my legs. I

20:54

can't. I started. I

20:56

have huge loads. No, no, no. It's loads are all

20:58

over my legs. Hang out for five more minutes. But

21:02

honestly, incredible loads. I'm good loads. Thank

21:04

you. Cost size load. Call them

21:06

cost. Yes. Jordan,

21:08

I didn't come here to admire your

21:11

loads, but here we are with me

21:13

admiring your load. Thank you. Yeah,

21:17

no, I'm not a shorts guy. I'm

21:20

a pants person. I'm a pants man.

21:22

And it has just been,

21:24

it's been humid, which is not normal in LA.

21:26

And I feel like I

21:28

knew I was going to be sharing a space close

21:32

quarters with two people who I know.

21:34

And we'll see again, despite the fact

21:36

that I'm not going to be producing

21:38

this particular show. We're friends from college.

21:40

We're best friends from college. We all

21:42

went to college together and there we

21:44

developed a friendship that will last eternal.

21:46

Yes. We

21:49

plan to commit suicide together. After

21:52

the show. I'm wearing matching sneakers. Uh

21:54

huh. But yeah. And

21:57

honestly, I'm not a smelly person. Right?

22:00

I guess I've never noticed

22:03

that. I've never thought you reeked. Okay,

22:05

thank you. I don't think

22:07

I do. My wife says this, she's like, you

22:09

know, you just don't exude much odor. But

22:12

the last few days in L.A. have been

22:14

so humid that I could smell myself. You

22:16

felt kind of odorous. Oh, I was odorous.

22:18

I'm like, I smell me. And you're not

22:20

supposed to be able to smell yourself. Right.

22:24

Like biologically or something. Well, I

22:26

really think you look great. Yeah,

22:28

they're nice. You're giving us a fresh

22:30

feeling that could only be achieved by

22:33

properly ventilated balls. Yes. Oh,

22:35

my God, guys. But

22:38

tell me, let's talk about it. I can smell your balls,

22:40

but it's not bad. Yeah, no, I have good smelling balls.

22:42

These are, yeah. Do you guys, now how

22:44

sweaty? It's sort of like Jasmine. What'd

22:46

you say, Jasmine, Jordan? I thought

22:48

you said jazz men. Like

22:50

men who play jazz. Just

22:54

like two Jasmine. It's the smells they're

22:56

not making. Yeah. I have

22:58

very sweaty balls. Like just, it's just part of my

23:00

life. Everywhere I go, I'm

23:02

always just pulling them apart, trying to take them off

23:04

my leg. That's just, what

23:06

about you guys? Do you guys have

23:09

sweaty balls? Be honest, because I, it's

23:11

a... Well, I would never

23:13

lie to you, Matthew. Don't lie to me. I

23:16

would never lie to you. It is a new

23:18

problem that I developed recently. Jordan is well known

23:20

on this program and frankly, internationally, thanks

23:22

to the AAA magazine. I

23:25

gotta get in that AAA magazine. Westway is, I think it's called.

23:28

Jordan is a talcum powder enthusiast. Oh,

23:31

so do you talcum your balls every day? You still

23:33

gold bond them? I gold bond them up, yeah. Yeah,

23:35

gold bond, yeah. Okay, yeah. I've

23:38

had to start doing that. That

23:40

is something new in my life the last five

23:43

years. Just something happened. All of a sudden, I

23:45

was like, God damn, my balls are really sweaty

23:47

right now. And now I can't go anywhere without

23:49

it. If

23:52

I don't have talcum powder

23:54

on my balls at all times, everyone

23:57

can see in my face this discomfort. of a

23:59

man whose balls are sticking to his leg. Is

24:01

that what was going on? Yes.

24:03

If you see in my face there's

24:06

something wrong with Matt, it's, oh man, his balls

24:08

are on one today. Here's

24:11

the thing. Well, I was inspired, frankly,

24:13

by Jordan five, seven years ago on

24:15

this talking about powdering

24:17

his balls constantly. I was like, well, I

24:19

should be powdering my balls, apparently.

24:21

That sounds great. I started

24:23

powdering my balls. I think I'm allergic

24:25

to ball powder. Oh, you'll find that out

24:28

real quick. Because

24:30

I wasn't, I didn't have a contact allergy.

24:33

I didn't have a contact allergy. I wasn't

24:35

getting red and inflamed. I

24:38

would start sneezing uncontrollably

24:40

immediately. And I tried

24:42

to fight through it. And then I

24:45

realized that it's also cancerous, cancer

24:47

causing. What? What do you mean? Inhaling

24:49

talcum powder causes cancer. So I was

24:51

like, if it's making me sneeze, I

24:53

must be inhaling it. And if I'm

24:55

inhaling it, I'm giving myself cancer. So

24:57

maybe I should just have sweaty balls.

24:59

That's crazy. I didn't know that about the cancer

25:02

because I feel like I

25:05

inhale a little bit of it every

25:07

time. I eat handfuls of

25:09

it. And it's nice. It's kind of

25:11

just. It's nice, yeah. I use it to prevent

25:13

fires at my home. I mean, you

25:15

know, it's all kinds of uses. Maybe we

25:17

should just be using that rock that hippies

25:19

like. Where they wet a rock and rub

25:22

it on their underarms. Get the fuck out

25:24

of here. They have that? I didn't know

25:26

about this rock. It's like a rock. We

25:28

went to Santa Cruz. Yeah, but I didn't

25:30

learn from the same shaman. You didn't know

25:32

anyone who wetted a rock?

25:34

Yeah. Like, you know, I. Well, it's

25:36

true. For folks who didn't go to

25:38

Santa Cruz, so there are

25:41

eight, now 10 residential colleges. There's

25:43

12 maybe now. And

25:45

each residential college has its own shaman. So Jordan

25:47

and I were both at Porter, so we both

25:49

had the same shaman. What college were

25:51

you at, man? I was at Merrill. His name

25:53

was Greg, and he had Old Spice. And

25:56

I just started doing Old Spice. And he said,

25:58

chicks dig this. And so I started. doing that.

26:00

And you're like, well, I mean, you're the one

26:02

in the loincloth. Exactly. You know. You're the one

26:05

who gave me acid five minutes ago. You

26:07

know a thing or two about smelly bits. Thanks,

26:10

Craig. Speaking of the

26:12

sea. Jesse, you were telling me

26:14

earlier that you have some sort of sea-based

26:16

game for us. Yeah, do you think you

26:18

can handle this? No. This

26:21

is gonna be a competition between

26:23

Matt and Jordan. I figured it was a

26:25

perfect time to see which of you is

26:27

better now that Matt's leaving the show. Yeah,

26:30

sure. Maybe if Matt wins, do I leave

26:32

the show and Matt stays and Steven produces?

26:34

I love it. Matt is Jordan. Yeah, Matt

26:36

Jesse, go. And then I go and live

26:38

with your wife and raise your child and

26:40

host the Israel podcast. I would love that.

26:43

I mean, listen, I love my wife and

26:45

I love my child, but it'd be so

26:47

sick if maybe for a week I just

26:49

lived Jordan Morris' life. Hell yeah,

26:51

dude. We all just wanna have a nice house and pass

26:53

it in. You like Elden Ring? Elden

26:55

Ring and then swimming at

26:57

what? Which aquatic center? Glendale.

27:00

Verdugo. Verdugo. That's at Glendale

27:02

though. I think they have a nice pool.

27:04

Oh man, what a life. Yeah, it's pretty

27:06

good, honestly. Oh my, you really do have

27:09

a good life. Hey Matt, swimming like a

27:11

fucking porpoise. I know, he's great at it.

27:13

Well, I don't know. I don't know, it's

27:15

like I don't know. Fucking porpoise. I guarantee

27:17

you, you're great at swimming. At least like

27:19

a gar. Yeah, what's that? It's

27:21

like an alligator fish. Oh,

27:24

that's cool. Hell yeah. We're just

27:26

learning new amphibian. Hell yeah, man,

27:29

I wanna be that. Steven, since you're

27:31

the producer, I know you're working on that Orange County

27:33

Register thing, but do you think you could keep

27:35

score in this quiz? For sure. Okay,

27:37

great. So David Gran's new book,

27:40

The Wager, a tale of shipwreck

27:42

mutiny and murder, is a thrilling

27:44

yarn telling the true history of

27:47

an English armada sailing the treacherous

27:49

waters of Cape Horn, hoping to

27:51

capture the riches of a Spanish

27:53

galleon. Just downloaded this book on

27:56

Audible. Yeah, it fucking whips ass.

27:59

Everyone told me. it's good and

28:01

now it's not a quiz about

28:03

that book, is it? Well, we'll find out, because

28:05

I'd be so mad. Listen

28:08

to it yet. Hoping to

28:10

capture the riches of a Spanish

28:12

galleon, unfortunately the British sailors don't

28:14

know that you need to eat

28:16

fruit and vegetables to keep from

28:18

losing all your teeth and going

28:20

insane. So they crash their

28:23

ships and end up on a

28:25

deserted island eating seaweed and albatrosses

28:27

and generally having a very tough

28:29

time. And basically all of them

28:31

die, except the ones who miraculously

28:34

make it home. And those ones

28:36

end up on trial for mutiny.

28:39

But while those sailors' tales

28:41

are tragic ones, their story

28:43

is filled with funny old-time

28:45

seafaring words. So in this

28:47

quiz, I will give you

28:50

three choices. One is a

28:52

real sailor thing to our

28:54

nonsense that I made up. The

28:56

quiz is called, What is Boat

28:58

Words? What is

29:00

Boat Words? Your job is to identify

29:03

what is nonsense and what

29:05

is boat words. You'll each

29:07

have one lifeline you can

29:09

call a real life expert

29:12

on the life of the sea, Ariel

29:15

the Little Mermaid. So

29:17

you can call Ariel the Little Mermaid

29:19

if you need help. Iconic. She's

29:22

like full grown now though. She's

29:25

in her 60s. Dude.

29:28

And she's never much better. Let me just say

29:30

this. She's full grown. Jesse

29:33

made the big honkers hand

29:35

gesture. Let's

29:38

talk about Ariel's natties. Let's talk about

29:40

those Ariel-loves. Thing

29:45

about my hubs? I

29:48

got plenty. Plenty of what? I

29:52

want to fuck a cartoon! Vast

29:54

ye matey, Shand away. It's time for

29:56

What is Boat Words, Matt. You're going

29:58

to go for it. since you're our

30:01

guest. Here are your choices. Press

30:03

gang, meet

30:05

mob, Oh shit. or

30:08

Tinkers Tears. One

30:10

of these is real, two of them are made

30:12

up. Press gang, meet mob,

30:14

or Tinkers Tears. Okay.

30:18

And you said one of them is real.

30:20

One of them is real. And two of

30:22

them are fake. Your job is to guess

30:24

which one is real. Press gang? You're absolutely

30:27

correct. Wow. Foolish enough to volunteer

30:29

for the Navy. Welcome aboard. Finally

30:31

out of the Navy, somehow survived the

30:33

Navy? Well, there's no rest for you

30:36

because a press gang is rolling through

30:38

the town's taverns, kidnapping anyone who might

30:40

know how to tie a half hitch,

30:42

then rowing them out to a floating

30:45

jail just far enough off the coast

30:47

that your no swimming ass can't get

30:49

back to shore. Yes, that's right. These

30:51

sailors don't know how to swim. Have

30:54

a family? Tough shit. Probably no

30:56

one will even tell them that

30:59

you're back in the Navy now,

31:01

this time through kidnapping. Wow. What

31:03

the hell? Okay. So as

31:05

far as I could tell from that run-onset,

31:08

Yeah. a press

31:10

gang is like

31:12

a gang of pirate sailors who

31:15

press you into service. They're a gang

31:17

of guys who work for the Royal

31:19

Navy. Oh, so they're actually Navy guys.

31:22

Whose job it is. To force you

31:24

to be in the Navy. Is to

31:26

kidnap people. Yeah. They

31:28

kidnap like grab them by the arms and legs,

31:31

force them into a rowboat, take them

31:33

to a prison boat. The prison boat

31:35

is a boat that is just far

31:38

enough offshore that people can't swim

31:40

back because they don't know how to swim.

31:43

Oh, yeah. They don't tell anyone

31:45

that they're gone unless like the

31:47

bartender tells them. And they literally

31:49

go around trying to trick people

31:51

into identifying themselves as sailors by

31:53

like saying who's got tales of the sea or like

31:55

who knows how to do this, not. Wait,

31:58

so why do they need? They need them

32:00

in order to be sailors on the sea.

32:02

To make the boats work. I

32:04

feel like you get- They didn't have enough guys to

32:06

make the boats work. If you get enough guys, if

32:09

you kidnap enough guys, you just find

32:11

out, hey, were you kidnapped? And then

32:13

you just gang together. You would think- And you

32:15

kill the captain. But then you end up on

32:17

trial for mutiny. Whatever, dude.

32:19

Jordan, yeah, next one is for you.

32:21

Here's your choices. Mama's

32:24

stent? Girth

32:26

and mast? Or

32:29

fuddock shroud? Okay,

32:31

so I wanna make sure I'm using my

32:33

lifeline. How many of these are there? You

32:36

get one lifeline. Oh, but how many questions?

32:38

How long is this? It's a seven question

32:40

quiz. Okay. Read

32:42

them back one more time. Mama's stent?

32:46

M-U-M-M-A. Girth

32:48

and mast? Or

32:50

fuddock shroud? Say the second one

32:53

again. Girth and mast. And

32:55

which one's real? I

32:59

honestly don't know. I think it's

33:01

three. Fuddock shroud?

33:03

Fuddock shroud. You're absolutely correct. A

33:05

fuddock shroud. A fuddock shroud is

33:07

the cluster of rigging below the

33:10

top, which is the little perch

33:12

almost at the apex of a

33:14

square rigged ship's mast. Sailors would

33:16

climb the fuddock shroud to access

33:18

the top, and then enjoy a

33:21

view of the endless rolling sea

33:23

that almost certainly would consume their

33:25

hopes, dreams, and indeed their very

33:27

lives. Wow. Back to you, Matt.

33:29

Like fun. All right. Here are

33:31

your choices. Fufs? Gob

33:35

coats? Or

33:37

slops? Oh. Fufs,

33:39

gob coats, or slops? Right

33:42

now it's between fufs and

33:44

gob coats. I feel

33:46

like slops is you winking

33:48

at me, because you know how much I like

33:50

to talk about slop. Mm-hmm. Old

33:56

sloppy leave, we call him. Old sloppy

33:58

leave. He's a. Okay,

34:01

so, you know

34:03

what, I'm gonna do a lifeline. I wanna call Ariel the Little Mermaid. From

34:09

the movie The Little Mermaid. Who is

34:11

now a middle-aged mermaid. Hey!

34:13

I got my voice back. Wow, you sound

34:15

great. Congratulations! You do

34:18

sound older, The Little Mermaid. I'm wise,

34:20

I'm wise with learning us all of

34:22

Sebastian's tricks, you know. Oh!

34:26

That crap was full of tricks! It

34:28

was a tricky crap. Scarra was

34:31

really full of tricks. He was full of tricks. Musical

34:34

genius. Musical genius, one of the

34:36

greats. Obviously, Ariel the Little Mermaid,

34:38

you live under the

34:40

sea. Under the sea, yep. Wait, is that

34:42

what happened to you? I thought you got

34:45

legs and you live above the sea. I forgot

34:47

to tell you, we got divorce. Oh! I

34:50

left Prince Eric. Oh, no! It's fine, I

34:52

got, again, I got what I needed, which is my

34:54

legs. Did you get alimony? Yes,

34:57

I was trying to think of an ocean pun, but

34:59

it didn't come to me fast enough. Yeah, neither. Abalone,

35:02

instead of alimony, you get abalone. There

35:04

we go. Thanks, Jordan. You're welcome. That's

35:07

why your name's on the podcast. Yep.

35:10

What do you think? Not for long. Three

35:13

words again? Your three words,

35:15

Ariel the Little Mermaid, from the movie

35:17

The Little Mermaid, are foofs, gob coats,

35:19

and slops. Oof. And you, Matt,

35:21

you don't want to go with slops. That's

35:23

like, might be a trick. I

35:26

feel like it's a trick, but I also

35:28

am now starting to question that idea. Like,

35:30

do they listen to me enough to

35:34

know that slop is very much in my bag?

35:36

So I'm not sure. I mean, I had written

35:38

this before you brought up slop. I know, but

35:40

I've brought up slop multiple times. You say slop

35:43

a lot. I'm a guy who says slop. What

35:45

are you... Part

35:48

of me wants to say foofs, just because...

35:51

Right? Ariel. Gob coats may

35:53

be it. Okay, now

35:55

you're... Ariel, do you want to check in

35:57

with Buddy Hackett? It's Buddy Hackett. Let

36:01

me phone him. Wait,

36:04

the friend, you phoned the friend and

36:06

now the friends phoned a friend? There's

36:08

no rules. Now the friends phoned a

36:10

friend? Buddy Hackett just called the whole

36:13

fryer's club to roast Matt? I

36:16

think I have to go with Foofs. What do you think? What do

36:18

you think? I'm going to go with Foofs. Ariel,

36:21

I think you know a thing, YouTube. Incorrect.

36:23

Fuck you, Ariel! Slops

36:25

were the striped short pants issued

36:28

to sailors by the British Navy.

36:31

Supplies were short aboard ships, so

36:33

these pants were worn every day

36:35

and were probably disgusting. Like, really

36:38

disgusting. But you know, everything

36:40

was super disgusting. Literally

36:43

nothing on a ship was

36:45

not disgusting. The surgical tools

36:48

were disgusting. I can only

36:50

imagine. Basically, everyone died. Man,

36:54

the sea sucks. I think I hate the

36:56

sea now. This one's for you, Jordan. Yeah,

36:58

thank you. Foul bilge,

37:01

gunboys lament, or

37:04

tar tears? Foul bilge

37:06

sounded right to me immediately. I'm just

37:08

going to go with the gut. Foul

37:10

bilge. You're absolutely correct. God damn

37:12

it! Congratulations, sailor. Today, you're

37:15

headed to tend to the foul

37:17

bilge, a liquid stew of excrement,

37:19

rats, seawater, and broken dreams that

37:22

fills the very bottom of a

37:24

sailing ship. Want to vomit? Great.

37:28

The addition of your sickening chunder

37:30

will almost certainly, on average, make

37:32

the water cleaner. Wow.

37:35

Okay, foul bilge. Yeah, all told. So

37:37

they keep the doo-doo and stuff?

37:39

It's just all down there. Well, you have

37:41

to... Why don't they get rid of it?

37:44

You try and shit off the edge. So

37:46

there's a hole, depending on how things

37:48

are taken care of. So in the

37:51

case of the wager, eventually the hole

37:53

was damaged, and they had

37:55

to just start going off the edge. But

37:58

it's dangerous to go off the edge because they don't know... Again,

38:00

I can't overemphasize that they don't

38:02

know how to swim. It's insane.

38:04

Do they have life rings? Do

38:07

they invent those yet? No, I think

38:09

they have small boats though. Okay. Okay.

38:12

Inflatable pizza slices, it's fine. Back

38:15

to you, Matt. Okay. Plum

38:17

picker party, loblolly

38:20

boys, or little

38:22

feebles. I'm going to

38:24

go with loblolly boys because it just

38:27

feels British. You're absolutely correct. All right.

38:29

Loblolly boys are the assistants to the

38:32

ship's surgeon. They're named after loblolly, which

38:34

was a porridge served to the sick.

38:36

These assistants were often teenage boys, and

38:38

presumably they were either jacking off in

38:40

front of each other a lot or

38:43

just straight up sucking each other's dicks.

38:45

I love that for them. Good for

38:47

them. I feel like they're probably having

38:49

the most fun on that ship. That's

38:51

not in the historical record. It's just

38:53

an assumption. I think that's a correct

38:56

assumption. Yeah. Back to you, Jordan. Okay.

38:58

Ready? Yep. Lubberhole, slick

39:01

tilly willy, or

39:03

bulls shaft. Is

39:05

this my last question? Yeah,

39:08

this is going to be your

39:10

last question. Okay. Yeah. Well, gosh,

39:12

let's phone Ariel, the little mermaid.

39:14

Ariel? I have legs. Congratulations.

39:20

All right. What are the three words again?

39:22

They are lubberhole, slick

39:24

tilly willy, or bulls

39:26

shaft. I almost want to go

39:29

by Matt's logic and go the most British,

39:31

the tilly willy. I

39:33

think that's sound logic. Yeah, let's

39:35

go tilly willy. Incorrect. The correct

39:38

answer is lubberhole. Yeah. I knew

39:40

that immediately. You knew lubberhole. I

39:42

knew it because it's a hole

39:44

you fuck, right? The lubberhole. It's

39:46

a hole you fuck. The lubberhole

39:49

allowed sailors who had climbed the

39:51

fuddock shroud access to the top.

39:54

Perhaps. Where they would fuck a

39:56

hole. Perhaps if they spotted land,

39:58

they could lead the crew ashore

40:00

where they might. accidentally cure everyone's

40:02

scurvy by eating wild celery. Only

40:05

they wouldn't know that the wild celery

40:07

is what cured their scurvy. They just

40:09

think God's providence had shone upon them

40:12

or something. So they would leave the

40:14

celery behind, get back in the ship

40:16

and then get scurvy again. Oh man.

40:18

It's all tied up. It's all tied

40:21

up. So this- Thank you Ariel. So

40:24

this is for the win. Oh

40:27

shit. Okay, who gets to answer

40:29

this one? Maybe

40:31

since it's- Okay. It's Matt. It's

40:33

Matt. Well, it was my turn anyways, right? Yeah, I think it's-

40:36

And we are tied up now. Great. Now it's all tied. If

40:38

there's like an odd number, it should be like a buzz in

40:40

thing, right? Yeah. Yeah, but Matt gets to

40:42

buzz in first. I wanna buzz. Matt

40:44

gets first. Buzz. The

40:47

Wackerman's Folly, debutante's

40:50

Dare, or

40:53

beating to quarters. Wackerman

40:55

makes you think, Jack

40:57

and Off, which makes you

40:59

wanna avoid it. Debutante's

41:01

Folly. Debutante's Dare. Oh, debutante's Dare. Okay,

41:03

so it's a debutante. I dare you

41:05

to jack off, so I wanna go

41:07

against that. And then beating to quarters.

41:09

Beating to quarters, another jack off. That

41:11

reminds me of church. It's beating to

41:13

quarters. It's gotta be. You're

41:15

absolutely right Matt. Yes! Oh! When

41:18

battle was imminent, drums would be played

41:20

on deck to summon the men. It

41:22

was known as beating to quarters. Then

41:25

they'd shoot giant cannon balls at each

41:27

other. It would literally knock people's heads

41:29

off. But only if they

41:31

were lucky, because if they only

41:33

had a foot knocked off, they'd

41:35

be carried below decks, literally spurting

41:38

blood, and a bunch of loblolly

41:40

boys would restrain them while a

41:42

ship's surgeon just straight up sawed

41:44

their leg off. No anesthesia or

41:46

anything. Just saw, saw, saw with

41:48

a regular saw. Just the kind

41:50

of saw you're imagining. If I

41:52

say saw, straight

41:54

through their flesh and bones, and

41:57

then literally they would pour hot

41:59

tar on the wound. I'm supposed

42:01

to listen to this book because

42:03

the hot tar would cauterize it

42:06

and also because they basically just

42:08

poured hot tar on Everything around

42:10

but guess what captain tar stumped

42:12

was you still died Why

42:15

because you didn't eat any fucking

42:17

celery. Okay, congratulations, Matt. You're the

42:19

new host of Jordan. Yes. Oh

42:21

shit That was what is boat

42:24

words? What

42:26

is boat words? My name is Matt

42:28

Lee boy detective We'll

42:31

be back in just a second

42:33

on Jordan and Jesse Go It's

42:49

Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne America's

42:51

radio sweetheart Jordan Morris boy detective Jordan's

42:54

book is out in bookstores right

42:56

now. So make sure and buy

42:58

Jordan's book It is called

43:00

youth group is very funny. It is very

43:03

fun It is appropriate for

43:05

the teens in your life as well as

43:07

for you. They're gonna like it They're gonna

43:09

feel cool because there's drinking in there. Oh,

43:11

yeah glug glug Yes youth

43:13

group from me and artist bone McGurdy wherever

43:16

you get your books and hey Jordan here

43:18

with a message for folks in and around

43:20

The San Francisco Bay Area I am

43:23

gonna be at book passage in San

43:25

Francisco on August 2nd Signing copies of

43:27

my new graphic novel youth group and

43:29

having a conversation with the great writer

43:31

Maggie to Kuda Hall We'll be

43:33

signing copies of her new book the worst

43:35

Ronin event starts at 5 30

43:37

and is free to everyone But we hope

43:39

you'll pick up some books while you're there.

43:42

Come on out We'll find a fun spot

43:44

for drinks after more info in the show

43:46

notes Okay, every episode of Jordan Jesse go

43:48

is of course supported by the members of

43:50

maximum fun our thanks members of maximum fun

43:52

We're also supported this week by Solar

43:55

slice if you're

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feeling helpless against climate

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change, well, Solar Slice

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has a new way to power

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a brighter future. Here's what the

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good folks at Solar Slice are

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doing. You buy a slice

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50 watts of clean energy to

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the grid. There's an app

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that shows you exactly how much energy

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your slice produces and the carbon emissions

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you're preventing. And Jesse,

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you like scoring points, right? Yeah,

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God, I love, I'd gamify anything.

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Well, you could score eco points

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to plant trees, buy more slices,

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or support other green initiatives. I

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just hit my streak for a

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number of times eating lunch. Ooh,

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you're a lunch king. Yeah, exactly.

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Are you ready to take action?

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Visit solarslice.com and buy a slice

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on Kickstarter today. Together, we can

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build a cleaner, greener world one

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slice at a time. That's solarslice.com.

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And just offset your carbon

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footprint, build a brighter future.

44:59

We also have a message up

45:02

on the Jumbotron. That's where our

45:04

listeners can share messages with

45:06

each other and the world.

45:08

This is a message for

45:10

Andrew from Camille. And

45:14

Camille writes, there's no one I'd rather

45:16

celebrate anal August with. Please give me

45:18

another chance. I love you. We

45:21

don't endorse this. We can't speak to

45:23

the quality of this. Andrew,

45:25

we're not telling you what you

45:27

should do. We're just relaying the

45:29

message. Don't shoot the messengers. Don't

45:31

shoot us. In fact, don't shoot

45:33

anyone. Don't shoot. Stop shooting Andrew.

45:35

Andrew put down the gun. Yeah,

45:41

if you want to get

45:43

up on the Jumbotron, go

45:45

to maximumfun.org/Jumbotron. That's maximumfun.org/Jumbotron. We'll

45:48

share news of your birthday.

45:50

They will plug your product,

45:52

whatever, pretty much. You'd be

45:55

surprised at how affordable it

45:57

is at maximumfun.org/Jumbotron. Jumbotron.

46:00

We'll be back in just a second on

46:02

Jordan Jesse Go. It's

46:16

Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's

46:18

Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Matt

46:20

Lee, boy detective. Part two. Congratulations, Matt.

46:22

I'm so looking forward to working with

46:24

you. It's been my dream ever since

46:26

we became best friends in college. I

46:28

know. I'm very excited about it. I

46:31

have to quit because I

46:34

was already quitting this job.

46:37

So this will be

46:39

my last day as host

46:42

of Matt Lee, Jesse Go. It's

46:44

been a great run. It really has

46:46

been. The quiz, that was great. That

46:48

was great. We talked about balls for

46:51

a bit. Jordan, I am actually, I'm

46:53

hiring right now for a co-host

46:55

position on Jordan Jesse Go. I don't

46:57

know if you're interested. I know you have a lot of book

46:59

promotion to do right now. Yeah. I mean, if

47:01

you can work around my schedule, then...

47:05

Yeah. I mean, you got the book coming out

47:07

on camera work with Good Mythical Morning. But

47:11

I feel like I have some say in

47:13

this and we'll talk about it

47:15

privately. Yeah. I don't want it to be weird.

47:17

I don't want it to be weird. Right. Because

47:19

you have some say in who's coming in to

47:21

fill yours. It's sort of your legacy. Yeah.

47:24

And I feel like I have kind of,

47:26

I'm in touch with the fans. They're used

47:28

to me now. They've listened to me for

47:31

a long, long time. It's George Jones who's

47:33

going to fill their shoes. Yeah. Who's

47:35

going to play the Opry in the

47:37

Wabash Cannonball? I was thinking of who's

47:39

going to replace Monkey in Limp

47:42

Biscuit. Oh. Has

47:45

Monkey left Limp Biscuit? This is how

47:47

I find out. Is there a guy

47:49

in Limp Biscuit that is named Monkey?

47:52

Okay. Hey,

47:55

Steven, can

47:57

you tell me who left what

47:59

band? when which new metal

48:01

band replaced their basis. I think it

48:03

wasn't was it monkey in corn. Yeah.

48:05

Monkey might've been in corn. And

48:08

I'm not sure if he left or

48:10

it was, I'm thinking of Wes Borland

48:12

believing limp Biscuit. Am I correct that

48:14

Flea is in monkey? He is

48:16

in monkey. That's

48:20

probably where you got the name.

48:22

Famously itchy. Where I looked at

48:24

bass player corn and somebody named

48:26

Reginald Arvizio. Oh, well, that's cool.

48:28

Dr. Reginald. Oh

48:30

wait, he's Fieldy. Fieldy was in corn.

48:34

All these creative names. I just remember

48:36

there was a guitar world magazine one

48:38

time that had a contest for who

48:40

would be the next guitar player in

48:42

either corn. Well, Wes Borland

48:44

left limp Biscuit for a while, but I think

48:46

he's back now. He's back? Yeah, yeah. He's

48:48

back with a biscuit. Hey. So

48:50

when is monkey in? Yeah, what's monkey?

48:53

Monkey was in corn. Google monkey. Read

48:58

everything. Oh, he was in corn.

49:00

Monkey was in corn. Did he leave corn?

49:03

It says he is currently in corn.

49:05

But maybe he left corn and came

49:07

back after the contest winner

49:09

wasn't that good. Can I tell

49:11

you a thought that I just had? It was,

49:13

well, isn't monkey a little bit of a cute

49:15

name for a guy in corn? And then I

49:17

remember that the band is called corn. Yeah,

49:19

you have to remember that. And also. They're like, well,

49:22

but we're gonna spell it with a K. So. How

49:24

do you think monkey is spelled? You think it's spelled normal? Monkey

49:27

is spelled with a fuck. A-O-N-K-E-Y. Yeah,

49:31

I'll tell you right now, that K

49:33

is not facing the correct way. Wow.

49:35

Yeah. So it's

49:37

a monkey looking. Yeah. Not

49:39

swinging. That's right. Yeah. Well, that's exciting. When

49:41

something momentous happens to you like you join

49:43

or leave corn, give us a call at

49:46

206-984-4fun or

49:48

email us a voice memo at jjgo at

49:50

maximumfun.org for our segment momentous

49:53

occasions. Someone who's done that is this

49:55

person. Hi, Jordan Jesko. This

49:57

is Helen from Colorado calling with

49:59

a momentum. So

50:01

the house next door to us just sold

50:03

and our new neighbors moved in. And

50:06

our dog was in the backyard one day

50:08

and just started growling and

50:11

barking. Her entire hackle came up

50:13

and she was freaking out. And

50:16

we thought that there was a new dog

50:18

in the backyard in the neighbor's house. But

50:21

my wife looked through the fence and

50:23

she said, no, it's a pet pig.

50:26

So our dog and

50:28

Rosie, the hundred plus pound

50:30

pet pig next door, have a

50:33

significant rivalry now. And we're not

50:35

exactly sure we're going to do.

50:37

Hopefully we'll be able to get

50:39

our dog to train to like

50:41

the pig. But anyway, that's

50:43

our momentous occasion thinking about you, Jesse,

50:45

and getting bit by a pig many,

50:47

many years ago. Yeah. Okay. Thanks. Love

50:49

you. Bye. Stephen

50:52

Ray Morris, you don't know this, but

50:54

many years ago, my wife's cousin and

50:56

his wife came to visit Southern California

50:59

from their home in San Francisco. And

51:02

their pig rode with them in their Prius.

51:06

And they said, well, we're going to stay at

51:08

a hotel where there's no pets allowed. But

51:10

we were wondering if he could stay at your house,

51:12

to which I said, fuck, yes, he can stay at

51:14

my house. Yeah, of course he can stay at my

51:17

house. That's so fun. That's all I want in the

51:19

world is for him to stay at my house. They

51:21

said he'll just sleep in the backyard. It'll be fine.

51:23

Here's how you give him his food. Not

51:25

only did this fucker that I could

51:27

not have been more excited about meeting

51:30

and petting and spending time with. Not

51:33

only did this fucker bite the

51:35

shit out of me, like fully

51:37

like hand. Yeah.

51:40

Big bruise, broken skin,

51:42

the whole nine yards. But

51:45

he also so missed

51:47

Teresa's cousin Luke. He's just the

51:49

sweetest man. So missed

51:51

Teresa's cousin Luke that he

51:54

just made horrible human like

51:56

screams all night long in

51:58

my backyard. And

52:00

this was for one night? This was, well, it

52:02

was gonna be for like two or three, but

52:05

they were kind enough to come get him. Unpredictable,

52:08

wow, I didn't know that about pigs, that

52:10

they're vicious. Yeah, I was truly worried that

52:12

the neighbors were gonna call the cops, like

52:14

sincerely, not as a joke. What kind of

52:16

pig was it? I mean, I guess, I

52:18

don't know kinds of pigs. Was it a

52:20

little pink pig? No,

52:23

he was sort of gray colored,

52:25

I would say. Very big? He

52:27

was not as big as a

52:29

farm pig. But

52:31

I think it is common

52:33

for people who get a pet pig

52:35

to be surprised at how big it

52:37

ends up being. Right, yes. This

52:40

happened to my, an

52:42

elementary school friend of mine whose parents got divorced

52:44

and his dad used to just give him whatever

52:47

he wanted. And so he asked

52:49

for a pig, and he got a pig,

52:51

but they lived in a very small town house

52:54

in Los Angeles. With

52:57

a shared outdoor space. And

52:59

so they had a

53:01

pig for a while in that shared outdoor space,

53:03

and I tell ya, I was excited

53:06

to meet his pig. And then I saw this

53:08

fucker, and I was like, that's

53:10

not a friend. That pig

53:12

right there is just an enemy, it

53:14

looked like the devil. Like,

53:16

you ever see drawings of the devil? And he's

53:18

all pink, and he's got a little snout. Yeah,

53:21

and like, you know,

53:24

the, no, I'm talking like, you know, just

53:26

a pig, evil demon pig face. And I

53:28

was like, that's a demon. And not a

53:30

very nice pet. Yeah,

53:32

maybe not a thing you'd wanna get bit by either.

53:35

Probably big, crazy teeth, right? What would you say were

53:37

your top five things you'd like to get bit by?

53:39

Oh boy, well. Radioactive

53:42

spider. Radioactive spider, god, that would be

53:44

amazing. Beyonce!

53:50

Beite me, queen bee. And then for

53:53

three, two, and one are all Beyonce. So

53:56

five is radioactive spider, yeah. Because

53:59

that would give you... all the powers of a

54:01

spider. Ideally, yeah. Or genetically modified

54:04

spider in the Sam Raney movies. Sure,

54:06

okay. And then four would

54:08

be the singer Beyonce. Three

54:10

would be, number two

54:12

is. Gotta be Beyonce. And

54:14

number one overall thing that you would

54:16

want to bite you. Queen Bey herself,

54:18

Beyonce. Beyonce. Beyonce. Beyonce Cardinals? That's the

54:21

one. Okay. My list. My bummer if

54:23

you got bit by a radioactive spider

54:25

and it just gave you cancer. That's

54:28

the opposite of why it wanted to happen. The

54:30

doctor says, I need you to take a seat.

54:32

I have some news for you. Yes, here

54:34

it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. You

54:37

have spider cancer. And

54:39

there's some bad news about your uncle Ben. You're

54:43

gonna die, but your dick now shoots out webs.

54:46

So that's cool. Man, you know,

54:48

one time this came up on Jordan Jesse Go, and

54:51

a lot of people disagreed with me, but

54:53

he's shooting jizz from his hands. That's a

54:55

point of the story. That's the lore. That's

54:57

the point of the story. Maybe it's like

54:59

the metaphor, right? It was a jizz shoot.

55:02

Come of age or... You start shooting jizz all over

55:04

everywhere and you don't know what to do. Yeah. Yeah.

55:08

Come of age with a U. And then... Right,

55:10

yes. Jay Drona Jameson's like a

55:12

power daddy. Yes, exactly. He wants pictures

55:14

of Spider-Man. Yeah. The

55:16

jizz specifically. Yeah, he specifically wants to see

55:19

that jizz. I love that action. Do you

55:21

think, I think this caller was saying that

55:24

she's concerned about a dog-pig

55:26

friendship. Yeah. Is that

55:28

possible? Concerned that it might be too

55:30

beautiful. Right, yeah. Would

55:33

it make too many good calendars? It's definitely possible.

55:35

One of the few genres of Instagram video that

55:40

I get algorithmically is animal best friends. Yes.

55:45

And I've seen dogs and pigs. I've seen,

55:47

you know, monkey and squirrel. Monkey and squirrel.

55:50

There's like... Now,

55:52

was squirrel in stained? Yeah, squirrel's

55:54

in stained with monkeys. With monkeys.

55:57

Usually... Squirrel's best friend if

55:59

I'm not mistaken. is Moose. Yeah,

56:01

one, it takes all kinds. Listen,

56:04

you can't be put in a box. Sometimes you

56:06

want to branch out. You can't just be friends

56:09

with Moose. Or maybe I'm thinking of Squirrell. Yeah.

56:11

Okay. I would like to see, here's something that

56:13

I would like to pitch to you, Jordan. That

56:16

if you wanted them to become friends, you're

56:19

gonna need to get them something, like

56:22

an interest that they can share together.

56:24

Like my daughter, Grace, and her friend,

56:26

Erin, today did a lot of retro

56:29

video gaming. It's really brought

56:31

them together as friends. Yeah, but they're

56:33

both the same species. That's true. So,

56:35

but I think a really special, special

56:38

interest could bring anyone together. And

56:40

I think that what they're gonna need to do

56:42

is knock down the fence between the two

56:44

yards and put in a swimming pool. Ooh. Because

56:47

if I know anything from the videos that

56:50

have been algorithmically served to me, it's

56:52

that all cute animals like swimming in swimming

56:54

pools. I think that's true. I think that's

56:57

a truism. Especially dogs and pigs. And if

56:59

you need another idea here,

57:01

just throwing this out there, if you

57:03

need a species that loves to swim

57:06

and loves to bridge the gap between

57:08

dogs and pigs, throw

57:10

a capybara in there. Ooh,

57:12

yes. Because that's half dog, half pig, and

57:14

it definitely loves to swim because it's also

57:16

half beaver. Can you eat those? I

57:19

mean- Capybaras? Matt, you can

57:21

eat anything. You can just put it in your mouth

57:23

and start chewing. I'm just, I'm thinking about it. And

57:26

I'm like, that might be a tasty treat. Might be

57:28

a tasty treat. I ate a tree earlier today. A

57:30

tree? Yeah. Like a branch

57:32

fell and hit you? Not the whole fucking

57:34

thing. What do you think I am? I

57:37

don't know what you mean by you eating a tree.

57:40

What do you think I am? A ball sack? Ball

57:42

sacks are weak. Pussies are strong. Oh, I like that.

57:44

Yes, I'm snapping, but I don't want to do it

57:46

into the mic. Yeah, we didn't know. I don't want

57:48

to make it hard for Steven. Yeah, sure. I understand

57:50

that. It's first time on the board here. The answer

57:53

is you can eat a capybara. And they in fact

57:55

sometimes do in South America. However,

57:57

I would not eat a capybara. I

58:00

would focus on eating its much smarter

58:02

and more sophisticated cousin, the pig. Okay,

58:05

but I mean, I wouldn't eat a capybara because

58:08

I love capybara as my favorite animal. Capybara is

58:10

not loving enough. I think that's what makes the

58:12

pig taste so good. Oh, yeah.

58:14

It's the human screams. And the

58:16

human screams, the human-like screams. That

58:19

does sound like a bad time,

58:21

especially since it sounds like this

58:23

person, the caller, their

58:26

neighbor. It sounds like they're homeowners. And

58:29

I can't think of anything more

58:31

upsetting than having new

58:33

neighbors in a home that you

58:35

own and something being

58:37

amiss with them. We're about to have new neighbors

58:39

in our apartment, and I'm

58:42

scared about that because apparently they

58:44

are twin artists. What?

58:46

Yes. No. Yes. Is it the

58:49

Sklar brothers? It is. That's

58:52

gonna be fun. That's gonna be fun.

58:56

Maybe they'll be fun, but no, apparently

58:58

they both make art and they're twins

59:00

and they live together. And I

59:02

don't know. It could be anything. Do

59:05

they make art together? I

59:08

did just a light Google search on

59:10

them. Can I ask you a question, Matt? Yes. This

59:12

is serious. Go ahead. Do you mind if I ask

59:14

you a serious question? Please. Is there

59:16

art double make gum commercials? I

59:19

honestly, I couldn't tell you. The

59:22

article that I found said it

59:24

was something about ugly shoes.

59:28

Their art is they make ugly shoes. Very

59:31

big in a small pocket of New York art

59:33

scene. I'm sure. I

59:36

didn't understand it. I'm just scared about, will

59:39

they have loud music? Because we have a

59:41

baby. You know?

59:43

And babies love loud music. The last thing you

59:45

know, you don't have to dance. Exactly. Stop trying

59:47

to dance all the time. Trying to pull you

59:49

onto the floor constantly. Like

59:51

a bridesmaid in a wedding. That's

59:54

what I'm worried about. A wedding. Yeah. Dance,

59:57

daddy! What the fuck, you fucking

59:59

loser? That's what Karina's gonna say.

1:00:01

Right. Well, she's not too much to drink at the

1:00:03

open bar. I need to cut this baby off. I

1:00:05

can tell if she's slurring. I don't drink as much

1:00:07

mommy milk as I fucking want. I'm

1:00:10

almost two, bitch. They're playing

1:00:12

Beyonce! Steven,

1:00:14

before we go to break, do we

1:00:17

have an Orange County Register update? So

1:00:19

I'm looking in the entertainment

1:00:21

section and the number one article

1:00:23

right now, the latest one says,

1:00:25

column, do we need movie stars?

1:00:27

Wow. That's spicy. I

1:00:30

didn't expect an article about genocide

1:00:32

in movie stars. Get them!

1:00:35

Take them all out in a sea prison and we

1:00:37

know they can't swim. Another headline

1:00:39

is action packed. The Garfield movie

1:00:41

bridges generation gap. Well,

1:00:45

I get that. You got buns for Garfield. You know what?

1:00:47

I got buns for the story of my life. I'm gonna

1:00:49

be honest with you. I don't

1:00:51

know if Garfield can bridge a generation gap,

1:00:54

but I do think that Garfield could

1:00:56

probably bridge the gap between a pig

1:00:58

and a dog. Oh yeah. Yeah. Right?

1:01:00

Actually, you're not wrong. I think what

1:01:03

this relationship needs is a third animal.

1:01:05

Yeah. A funny, lazy

1:01:07

animal. One with a laconic charm.

1:01:10

Yeah. So that when the dog

1:01:12

is barking at pig and

1:01:14

pig is human screaming at dog, the

1:01:16

cat will just be there like, I hate Mondays.

1:01:18

Did I tell you guys about how I have a

1:01:20

friend at the flea market who I was texting with

1:01:23

about textiles? And then she just casually

1:01:25

mentioned she had tortoises in her backyard

1:01:27

that were 85 years old. No,

1:01:29

but it sounds like something you wouldn't mention. God,

1:01:31

I wish, God, I just, I

1:01:34

wish that you could have the

1:01:36

experience of just knowing someone for five,

1:01:39

10 years in a situation like

1:01:41

that, like a church, you know,

1:01:43

flea market, somewhere where you see people right

1:01:45

at the office. At Costco. And then just

1:01:47

one day they say, yeah, and

1:01:50

I have two tortoises in my backyard. They've

1:01:52

lived with me for 40 years. They're

1:01:54

85 years old. They were

1:01:56

around during the JFK assassination. She

1:01:59

glues GPS. Yeses to them, like

1:02:02

air tags. She like glues air

1:02:04

tags. In case they get out. In case they

1:02:06

get out. Well how far can they go? They're

1:02:08

so old and slow. You'd be surprised. I would

1:02:10

be. Yeah. How far? And

1:02:13

down the road. That's a long ways. All the way down

1:02:15

the road, somebody found them. I wouldn't want to go down

1:02:17

that road. I see, thank you. You

1:02:20

hate to do that, they're 85 years old. They've had

1:02:22

such a long and beautiful life. Yeah. Anyway,

1:02:24

give us a call, 206-9844 Foner. Leave

1:02:27

us a voice memo at JJGo at

1:02:29

maximumfund.org. We'll be back in just

1:02:31

a second on Jordan Jisico. La, la,

1:02:33

la, la, la, la, la,

1:02:36

la, la, la. Hello

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sleepyheads. Sleeping with

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celebrities is your podcast pillow

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pal. We talk to

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remarkable people about unremarkable topics,

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all to help you slow down

1:02:51

your brain and drift off to

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sleep. For instance, the remarkable actor

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Alan Tudyk, you

1:02:57

hand somebody a yardstick after they've shopped

1:03:00

at your general store. The store's name

1:03:02

is constantly in your heart because yardsticks

1:03:04

become part of the family. Sleeping with

1:03:06

celebrities hosted by me, John Moe, on

1:03:10

maximumfund.org or wherever you

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get your podcasts. Night night.

1:03:15

The following are real reenactments

1:03:18

of pretend emergency calls. 911,

1:03:21

my husband, it's my husband. Calm

1:03:24

down please. What about your husband? He

1:03:27

loves to dishwash your wrong. Please help, my

1:03:30

husband. Where are

1:03:32

you now ma'am? At the kitchen table, I

1:03:34

was with my dad. He mispronounced his words

1:03:36

intentionally. There are plenty

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of podcasts on the hunt for justice, but

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only one podcast has the courage

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to take on the silly crimes.

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Judge John Hodgman, the only true

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crime podcast that won't leave you feeling sad and bad

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and scared for once, only

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on maximumfund.org. La,

1:03:55

la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's

1:04:00

Jordan Jesse go I'm Jesse Thorin America's

1:04:03

radio sweetheart Jordan Morris boy detective Matt

1:04:05

Lieb tortoise lover well Matt

1:04:07

we really wish you all the best as you pass

1:04:10

into the wilds of Jordan's

1:04:13

other show I

1:04:16

mean I will be honest.

1:04:18

I will miss spending my Sundays with you

1:04:20

guys Now my

1:04:22

Sundays are just gonna be dedicated to the

1:04:24

ice cream sundaes Just

1:04:28

me and the Lord and football

1:04:30

and maybe house of the dragon

1:04:32

if I can start getting the

1:04:34

name straight Oh, yeah I'm

1:04:36

very little blonde to most of her blonde

1:04:38

just like and it's the same I even

1:04:41

the dragon sound the same it does feel

1:04:43

like they took a look

1:04:45

at me watching Game

1:04:47

of Thrones and said how can we

1:04:49

make this harder for Jesse? Yeah? Yeah,

1:04:51

I mean it's listen I'm someone who

1:04:54

likes fantasy and I See

1:04:57

that name sounds similar. I tried to read

1:04:59

the similian once. Oh, yeah, and I was

1:05:01

like well, this is stupid to read This

1:05:03

isn't fun. We used to we used to

1:05:05

take this is a fucking weird, but we

1:05:08

used to Have English

1:05:10

ESL students stay in my

1:05:12

mom's apartment Like

1:05:14

and they'd be you know, they'd be like 23 three-year-olds

1:05:17

or 24 year olds that were like worked

1:05:19

at banks Yeah, they needed to learn English

1:05:21

so they'd stay at our house for like

1:05:23

six months or nine months while they were

1:05:25

learning English and This

1:05:27

one Swiss guy named Michael Seagenthaler

1:05:31

His parents called my mom

1:05:33

and said well, you know our son they

1:05:35

were bankers as well Said our

1:05:38

son has been living in your home for

1:05:40

nine months and he loves

1:05:42

you and your family We're wondering if

1:05:44

your child would come visit us in

1:05:46

Switzerland and my mom was like

1:05:48

well We take on ESL students

1:05:50

because we can't afford the rent otherwise and they

1:05:52

were like no no we mean we would pay

1:05:54

for it I'm calling you from a car phone

1:05:57

in and

1:06:00

So I went on a trip to Switzerland, and

1:06:03

Michael Seagenthaler's nice parents took me

1:06:05

to the English language bookstore and

1:06:08

the English language video rental

1:06:10

store. And I picked up

1:06:12

the classic pair, which was

1:06:15

a copy of the Silmarion. Close.

1:06:18

And a VHS of back to

1:06:20

school, starring Rodney

1:06:22

Dangerfield. Those are weirdly

1:06:24

the same genre of media.

1:06:26

I got a lot more out of Rodney

1:06:28

Dangerfield one

1:06:31

is a little more dense than the other, but

1:06:33

they're both about the same thing. So now right

1:06:35

now. Simirilien. In

1:06:38

fact, I'm probably saying it wrong. I don't

1:06:40

even know. People are writing fucking angry. They're

1:06:42

so mad at me. I guess why I

1:06:44

no longer have to read your emails. Ha

1:06:46

ha ha ha. So

1:06:49

you can write as much angry shit as

1:06:51

you want. Steven's gonna have to paw through

1:06:53

these. All those nasty emails.

1:06:55

Yeah, forward them to me so I can

1:06:58

delete them without having read them. What

1:07:00

happens in this Simirilien?

1:07:03

It's just a bunch of miscellaneous shit, right?

1:07:06

It's like, do you remember the Bible? It's

1:07:08

just like the fucking leftover shit. It's the

1:07:10

Bible of Lord of the

1:07:12

Rings universe. So it's like a

1:07:14

really dry recitation

1:07:17

of where the

1:07:19

elves come from and

1:07:22

what happened to Sauron that one

1:07:24

time. It's just wall to wall

1:07:26

lore. Yeah, it's all lore. And

1:07:28

it's a lot of family lore.

1:07:30

So it's like, oh, you wanna

1:07:32

know where Elrond is from? Well,

1:07:34

here's all Elrond's people. And

1:07:37

it's like, who is this shit? I'm

1:07:39

just trying to see some sword fights.

1:07:42

Yeah, and boobs

1:07:44

and breast candy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's

1:07:46

what I like. Yeah, chicks with horns on

1:07:48

their hands. Yeah, great adventure in

1:07:51

my pants. You guys have to know the Lord of

1:07:53

the Rings. Cartoon understand that,

1:07:56

right? Were they always talking about their pants?

1:07:58

Well, they're talking about a girl. Great

1:08:00

adventure. You know,

1:08:02

that was like the song. Somebody

1:08:05

posted it on the Thrift

1:08:07

Store, finds subreddit,

1:08:11

a picture of a book that

1:08:13

I believe was called Minotaur Milking

1:08:15

Farm. Yes, yeah, a

1:08:17

popular fantasy sub-genre these days.

1:08:19

So yeah, so they posted

1:08:21

it. And I think they posted

1:08:23

it just as like, you won't believe what I saw

1:08:26

at the thrift store. People

1:08:28

are like, that's a good one. Yes, every

1:08:30

comment was, yeah, that's a really good

1:08:32

one. This is a thing now. Yeah.

1:08:35

I was on a romance novel

1:08:37

podcast and had it explained to me. And

1:08:39

I guess there are people who

1:08:41

really like human on Minotaur. But there's also

1:08:43

an element to where the Minotaur semen, they're

1:08:46

loads. We're talking about loads, aren't we? We're

1:08:48

trying to bring it all back around in

1:08:50

the last segment. Is that the

1:08:52

loads are some healing or they're valuable. So

1:08:55

I think that not only do the humans

1:08:57

and Minotaurs fall in love, but there's a

1:08:59

load collecting element to it. I like it.

1:09:02

Yeah. So is it lady humans and

1:09:04

male Minotaurs? I don't

1:09:06

know enough about it. I would assume that there's something for

1:09:08

everybody. We need to get the reading glasses ladies here to

1:09:11

tell us about this. I know, something for everybody. Matt,

1:09:13

you're recapping the

1:09:15

Sopranos now. We already recapped

1:09:17

the Sopranos. Oh, okay, what

1:09:19

are you on now? Deadwood?

1:09:21

We're about to start Mad

1:09:23

Men. Oh, Mad Men. Yes,

1:09:25

story of just angry guys.

1:09:29

They're living through the sixties and they're

1:09:31

getting drunk and they're cheating on their

1:09:33

wives and they're making advertisements. What was

1:09:35

that HBO show about a sex circus?

1:09:38

I think it was called sex circus. Like a

1:09:40

freaky- Oh, Carnivale. Taxi cab confessions. Carnivale.

1:09:43

I read an article the other day

1:09:45

that was called the 20

1:09:47

or 30 greatest HBO shows

1:09:50

of all time. Maybe

1:09:53

it was 40 greatest HBO shows of

1:09:55

all time. Yeah. A

1:09:57

lot of great programming over there on HBO.

1:10:00

Carnivale. Carnevale was on there and

1:10:02

Larry Sanders wasn't. And I was like, wait,

1:10:04

come on. Jesus fucking

1:10:06

Christ, Carnevale? Yeah, people are

1:10:08

crazy with those things because

1:10:11

you only write them so that you

1:10:13

can make number one not the Sopranos

1:10:15

to piss off the loads of Sopranos

1:10:17

fans out there. I mean, God bless

1:10:19

them. They put the wire

1:10:22

number one, so God bless them. But

1:10:24

yeah, not putting Larry Sanders on there and putting

1:10:27

Carnevale on there really blew my

1:10:29

mind. People are obsessed with

1:10:31

their Prestige TV. They think there was no good TV

1:10:33

before 1997. Yeah,

1:10:36

that is kind of the narrative. The

1:10:38

Sopranos was the first good show. Yeah,

1:10:40

right, and it's like there were so

1:10:42

many good shows. Cheers. Cheers. Larry

1:10:45

Sanders. That's all I can think of.

1:10:47

Yeah, I got Cheers and Larry Sanders.

1:10:49

The Simpsons. The Simpsons. Wings, a little

1:10:51

show called Wings. Wings was fantastic. The

1:10:53

little airport number five on the list.

1:10:55

I loved Wings. If it had run

1:10:57

on HBO. That was a big win.

1:10:59

Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Yeah, Clarissa Explains

1:11:02

It All. What's on your list? We

1:11:05

got Clarissa Explains It All. I

1:11:07

mean, personally, I love Step By

1:11:09

Step. Step By Step. They definitely

1:11:11

top 10 HBO shows of all

1:11:13

time. Guys, and we're forgetting about

1:11:15

the news. Oh my God, Walter

1:11:17

Cronkite. You gotta know what's going

1:11:19

on. Walter Cronkite, the voice of

1:11:21

America's conscience. Traffic, weather. Together.

1:11:24

Together. Dog with a blog. I love

1:11:26

it, dog. What about Dog with a

1:11:28

blog? One of the greatest shows of

1:11:31

all time. The Outer Limits.

1:11:33

Oh my God, yes.

1:11:36

The Outer Limits. Bonanza.

1:11:38

Test patterns. I

1:11:40

love that one. Test patterns. What about the Addams

1:11:43

Family Today? Yeah,

1:11:45

the new show? Yeah, the 80s Addams Family

1:11:47

Show. Yeah, that was great. I know there

1:11:50

was an 80s Addams Show. No, the Munsters.

1:11:52

The Munsters Today. It was called The Munsters

1:11:54

Today in the 80s. My daughter made me

1:11:56

watch an episode. Maybe the worst

1:11:58

thing I've ever seen. A man

1:12:00

of boring, I don't even have words to describe.

1:12:03

If you want to be really bored, it was

1:12:05

a lot worse, for example, than the Parker Lewis.

1:12:09

What's the movie that Parker Lewis is a

1:12:12

knockoff of? Ferris Bueller. Ferris Bueller. There's

1:12:14

a Ferris Bueller TV show. And then The

1:12:16

New Munsters was a lot worse than the

1:12:19

Ferris Bueller TV show. That sounds bad. Anyway,

1:12:21

we've had a lot of fun on today's

1:12:23

program. Matt,

1:12:25

it's been a joy to have you as the producer

1:12:27

on the program. Thank you for your year

1:12:30

of hard work, your two years of hard work. How

1:12:32

long has it been? It was a year and a

1:12:34

half. Year and a half. Year and a half. I

1:12:36

would say only two years. Flu, flu buy. Not for

1:12:38

me, it's flu buy. For me, it's flu buy. Yeah.

1:12:41

I felt like it felt like two years because of how

1:12:43

much got done. Yeah. A

1:12:45

podcast every week. Sure. What

1:12:47

more should be done than a podcast

1:12:50

per week? I mean, some would say

1:12:52

two. Those

1:12:54

people, they don't understand. Leave them

1:12:56

wanting more. Yeah. Forever.

1:12:59

Yeah. That's what I say

1:13:01

to people who try to re-up my

1:13:03

gym membership. Sorry, you said leave them

1:13:06

wanting more. More. Is that's the

1:13:08

saying? Yes. Shit. We

1:13:10

have been leaving them wanting none. We leave them wanting content. Yeah.

1:13:14

Yeah. Leave them not wanting our show. Yes.

1:13:17

That's what we've been focusing on. You're fucking up. You're

1:13:19

supposed to leave them wanting. Leave them wanting to check

1:13:21

out Dax Shepard. They've heard

1:13:23

Dax Shepard's great. Yeah. He's

1:13:26

married to Kristen Bell. Yeah. You

1:13:28

misheard. He was good on

1:13:31

parenthood. Lead them to something

1:13:33

else. It's leave them wanting

1:13:35

more. Leave

1:13:37

them. Leave them

1:13:39

wanting to check out Matt's

1:13:42

other podcasts and his stand-up

1:13:44

comedy tour. Yes. Please

1:13:47

come see me. I'm going to be

1:13:49

in Chicago at the Lincoln Lodge on August

1:13:51

19th and 20th. So come

1:13:53

see that. And listen to Badass

1:13:56

Bar, the world's most moral podcast. Or pod

1:13:58

yourself a gun. We're

1:14:00

gonna be starting season one of Mad Men

1:14:03

very soon. Ooh. Stephen

1:14:05

Ray Morris, the producer of the program. Thank you,

1:14:07

Stephen. Glad to have you on board. Special

1:14:09

thanks this week to Ariel, the Little Mermaid, from

1:14:11

the movie The Little Mermaid. Beautiful, an icon.

1:14:13

And of course, The Little Mermaid too, as

1:14:16

well as the live action Little Mermaid.

1:14:18

And Little Mermaid on ice. We were

1:14:20

talking to the nice one. Yeah, yeah,

1:14:22

yeah. And our theme music. Why she

1:14:24

sounded so cold. Our theme music, she's

1:14:26

a real frigid. Sure. Well, she's

1:14:29

dying out there. She's supposed to be

1:14:31

in the water. It's not supposed to be. Yeah.

1:14:33

Someone melt this ice. She's not gonna die. She's

1:14:35

suffocating. She's trying to break through the ice. It's

1:14:38

a very grim show. I did

1:14:40

not have fun. So not for kids. Not for kids.

1:14:43

You know, in The Little Mermaid on

1:14:45

ice, it's like when human

1:14:47

people put on those mermaid tails to

1:14:49

go swimming. It's like that only

1:14:51

ice skating, which makes it a lot less exciting.

1:14:54

Not fun. Yeah. Anyway, our music

1:14:56

is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of

1:14:58

The Free Design and Light in the Attic

1:15:00

Records. Stephen Ray Morris, our producer,

1:15:02

producer emeritus, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez.

1:15:05

You can find us on Reddit,

1:15:07

maximumfund.reddit.com. You can find us on

1:15:09

Instagram at JordanDavidMorris and at JesseThorneveryfamous.

1:15:12

More on Facebook, facebook.com/JordanJessieGo, et cetera,

1:15:14

et cetera. We'll talk to you

1:15:16

next time on JordanJessico. I'll

1:15:18

hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you.

1:15:21

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love

1:15:26

you. Love you.

1:15:34

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1:15:36

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