0:00

It's time to babble the

0:02

fuck on. It's

0:09

Hollywood Babble-on! With

0:12

your hosts, Kevin Smith and

0:15

Ralph Garman. It

0:31

is Saturday night... Jesus, the music

0:33

just fucking stopped. She died,

0:35

man. When you talk, people listen.

0:37

Truly, man. I'm like, yeah, fuck...

0:39

It is Saturday night in Burbank,

0:41

ladies and gentlemen. So

0:46

close to Hollywood, so let's babble the fuck on. I'm Kevin Smith.

0:49

I'm Ralph Garman. Children,

0:55

when last we saw each other, fucking

0:57

one of us was single and lonely and

1:00

fucked for life. And

1:03

the other one was Ralph. Ralph

1:06

was a single man. Ralph stands

1:09

before you, fused as one. He

1:11

is married! Wow.

1:19

Kevin was so good that day. He

1:22

gave a beautiful speech,

1:25

and he kept it short.

1:28

Remarkably short. I

1:32

figured you wanted to get to it, because I was like, he's been

1:34

waiting his whole life to have sex. Yeah,

1:36

exactly. So the sooner he's

1:38

married, then he can finally pop his fucking

1:40

cherry, man. How was it? What did

1:42

it feel like to get your dick wet for the first time? Sadly,

1:46

I came during the ceremony. I

1:49

saw that. As I was going, do

1:52

you take this woman, and he went... Uh-oh. So

1:59

I had a wife. forever hold your peace.

2:01

God. That's

2:03

the problem, I'm holding my peace. Ah!

2:09

That's good, I don't know if anyone's ever made

2:11

that connection before. I've seen like

2:13

a lot of dumb comedies, in fact, written

2:15

many. And I don't

2:17

remember anyone going the like, peace,

2:20

peace. Yeah, you'll excuse me, I have

2:22

some writing. No, no. I've

2:25

already got one new movie out in theaters, you don't need

2:27

another one that quick. 430 movies, anybody seen the

2:29

430 movie? It's

2:33

damn good. By out in theaters, you mean

2:35

very loosely. It was out of theaters fucking

2:37

fast, like every Kevin Smith movie, man. It

2:39

went into theaters and then it came out

2:41

of theaters. So I'm like, my wedding night,

2:43

it was in and out. Very true. Very

2:45

quickly. I am the dream girls of movie

2:47

releases, because it's like one night on end,

2:49

one night on end. But

2:51

it found lots of love, have you gotten a chance to

2:53

see it yet? I have, I saw it on digital. I

2:56

saw it. Where most people will. Yes, you can now

2:58

have it in your own home. Yeah, that's true. You can

3:00

buy it digitally and whatnot. I've been looking at the iTunes

3:03

charts, I go with iTunes, what's it called now? Apple

3:05

TV. Yeah. Because I'm on that all the time. And

3:07

I was like, yeah, man, we'll fucking debut in the

3:09

top 10, no. Top

3:13

20, no. All

3:15

right, I got work to do. Give it a little time,

3:17

it'll get there. You think so? I do. It is a

3:19

sleeper, man. It's no movie that anybody's like, oh, I gotta

3:21

fucking see it first. I mean, Deadpool Wolverine came out this

3:23

week, and even I was like, fuck the 430 movie. But

3:28

yeah, it's a very smooth movie. And people really

3:30

seem to dig it. The notices have been spectacular.

3:32

All right, but fucking enough about me. It's always

3:34

about me, Ralph. To quote

3:36

my wife, it's always about you, Kevin. Let's

3:39

talk about this fucking sex that you had. What

3:41

was it like? How

3:44

much did you have? The

3:47

honeymoon was laden, was sex

3:49

laden. And that was- I

3:51

saw a picture of you with a dolphin, is that what

3:53

you're talking about? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Jen

3:56

was in getting massages at the spa, and I

3:59

was fucking dolphin. in the Caribbean. She's

4:01

like, it's the only way this marriage is gonna

4:03

fucking lash. You fucked up blowhole. I'm

4:06

gonna watch from the hotel and rub one out. That's

4:10

creepy even for you. I

4:15

had a wife go to a dolphin experience once. I

4:17

know what a dolphin is. And

4:19

they breathe through that thing. It's not a fuckhole,

4:21

they gotta breathe. My wife

4:23

breathes through this thing too, buddy. I mean, what

4:25

the fuck? Do you call that

4:28

her fuckhole? You're words, not mine, man. Hold

4:33

on one second. You

4:35

will never believe what married Ralph Gorman. Yeah.

4:39

So wait a second. You get

4:41

married though, the day of the ceremony, the night that you're

4:43

all- You did get married on the day of the wedding.

4:45

I was there. I saw it. I

4:47

saw the whole thing. It happened right in front of your

4:49

eyes. When it was all done and when you went home and

4:53

everyone went home and stayed home, did you have sex

4:55

that night? No. What's that all about?

4:59

My friend Jack Daniels stopped by the wedding and

5:01

up his arm there. Oh my God, you got whiskey dick on

5:03

your wedding night? I didn't even find out. I

5:06

hit the pillow pretty hard by the time we

5:08

got there. Apparently hit the pillow pretty soft from what

5:10

we just heard. I knew

5:12

we had a long time coming up in the Caribbean, went

5:15

to the Bahamas on the honeymoon. I knew there'd be

5:17

opportunities. Why am I

5:19

working this shit? I don't know. I'm working

5:21

on it. Suddenly I was probably- Suddenly

5:23

I was proper. I was trying to be a fucking radio DJ. You're

5:26

Merv Griffin all of a sudden. Yeah, really? We'll

5:28

be right back. What

5:30

was the, how many days were you

5:32

away? We did nine

5:34

days in the Caribbean. How many

5:37

times a day did you come?

5:42

So glad she's not here tonight. Why?

5:46

Because the number was more by yourself. No,

5:49

she might be embarrassed by this conversation.

5:53

She can't be married to you and be embarrassed by

5:55

anything, man. That's true. On

5:57

average twice a day. Twice a day. So

6:00

what she is she like my wife where she's

6:02

like not before noon asshole. No, no

6:05

I mean, that's not what she calls her butt not

6:07

before noon asshole. That's what she

6:09

calls me. Come on asshole Right the sundown

6:11

asshole. That's the one No

6:14

morning. Sometimes is that right? Yeah, she'd wake

6:16

up and shit. You brush your teeth before

6:18

you go at it or sometimes When

6:21

you're married, like we're married fuck all this I Know

6:26

me love

6:29

me love my halitosis I'm

6:34

not enjoying this conversation at all What

6:39

uh, it's been so long since like did

6:41

you As

6:44

you could tell I'm like tell me stories It's

6:47

been so long since I had fucking the wedding

6:49

night sex We lived together for a couple

6:51

years before we got married Yeah,

6:55

yeah, yeah we had premarital sex Kevin, I'm

6:57

sorry, I know the altar boy and you

6:59

were shocked Well,

7:02

I yeah, I'm just this will be Hell

7:08

Mary or something What

7:14

was the What was the

7:17

highlight of the wedding leaving my officiating

7:19

off the table well, of course that

7:21

would be no What was the highlight?

7:24

What was the moment where you were like off my 14 year old

7:26

daughter? This

7:30

is this this killed me. I

7:32

kept it together on the altar. Yeah, you

7:34

were good until fucking I saw Olivia walk

7:36

down Yeah, that made me fucking cry. Yeah,

7:38

that really did. She's become such a young

7:41

woman and She

7:43

she got up you had to leave you guys had

7:45

to leave early the the reception because you had a

7:47

your mom was going Through some medical stuff who by

7:50

the way just got home today But

7:57

anyway, but my kid said early on during

7:59

the planning she's Shall

16:02

we kick things off? We shall, let's start the fucking

16:04

show. Start the fucking show. Come on

16:06

kids, start the fucking show. Start

16:09

the fucking show. I was planning to. Fuck

16:11

your happy marriage. Start the fucking show. We're

16:13

going to kick things off by talking to

16:15

folks in the audience here who come particularly

16:17

long distances or celebrating special occasions with us

16:19

tonight. It's a segment we call the shout

16:21

outs. We're

16:25

giving it round so get your cock

16:28

out. Hey.

16:33

You see Jenny

16:35

do that shit.

16:38

I should have brought you on the honeymoon. Damn Skippy.

16:41

Like let me show you how it's done woman. Babble

16:44

the fuck off. Speaking of marriage. You

16:47

know what happens when I stop? Babble

16:49

the fuck off. Speaking

16:52

of marriage, my friends the Finks are here. John

16:54

and Karen, where are you guys? Hey

16:57

guys. They're celebrating their 10th wedding

16:59

anniversary tonight. Oh shit. I

17:04

wanted to give them a shout out. 16

17:07

years together, 10 years married and

17:09

they make it look easy. Well

17:12

done you fucking things. Yeah, thanks. How

17:16

are the Aussies? Amy and Nick, are you guys

17:18

here tonight? Where are you? Good night. Nice

17:22

email from that. Nick and I saw the

17:24

430 movie and really enjoyed it. As former

17:27

pro wrestlers, we were both thrilled when major

17:29

murder came on the screen. Hold

17:31

on, don't just roll over that. Former

17:34

pro wrestlers? Australian

17:37

Wrestling League? What is it called? WCW

17:39

Australia. WCW Australia. Right the fuck on

17:41

man. Is that where you guys met?

17:43

Did you meet in the wrestling world?

17:46

Oh, can you imagine their sex? A

17:50

lot of pile driving and shit like that. She's

17:52

giving him the suplex. Oh yeah. Figure

17:55

four scissor locking shit like that. Exactly.

17:59

Let me ask you this shit. I

20:01

never thought I'd be able to write an email

20:03

about coming to see the show, writes Jen. We

20:05

started listening to HBO together during COVID and often

20:07

talked about traveling to see a live show. Is

20:09

that right during COVID? Yep. I had the last

20:11

one. You're like, we're all gonna die. Might as

20:13

well listen to this fucking podcast. How

20:16

we get to work from home so I

20:18

can stream whatever I want. Yeah. But you

20:20

could have filled your time with something better

20:22

than our podcast. Search for fucking cures. You

20:24

shit like that. He's got a point. As

20:27

soon as we finalized the trip details to Burbank,

20:29

Chronicon in Chicago was announced, which is only a

20:32

six hour drive for us. So we'll be seeing

20:34

you there too. You go to Chronicon? Fucking hey

20:36

man, Chronicon is happening next weekend. Next weekend this

20:38

time, we'll be fucking on stage doing shows. I

20:40

know, it's crazy. Chicago if you want to go

20:43

kids. chronicon4real.com. That's where

20:45

you get your tickets. Our

20:48

very first, like my first con,

20:50

man. I've been going to cons for years, other

20:52

people's cons and shit. And we got a SmithCon.

20:54

Well, kind of. Chronicon. Yeah, but

20:56

it's your world. You're

21:00

right, it should've been called Kevin's. Yeah. I

21:05

didn't call my age, it's too late. It's only too late. Thank

21:07

you both for all the laughs over the years. By

21:09

the way, more margaritas is the ringtone on my phone

21:12

alarm. So thank you so much. I haven't heard that

21:14

in a while. Can we hear that? Can we hear

21:16

that? Oh, oh, oh. Ooh, ah, ooh, ah, oh, oh,

21:18

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

21:20

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

21:22

oh, oh, come on now, more margaritas. Oh, oh, oh,

21:25

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

21:27

oh, oh, Oh, Jesus. Ooh, ah, oh, oh, oh, oh,

21:29

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, come

21:31

on now, more margaritas. All right, fair enough. Fair enough.

21:34

Love it. That is Deep

21:37

Cuts, man, and Tusk, his ringtone, Wallace's

21:39

ringtone. Yeah, Justin Long's. It's so funny.

21:42

Sean also wrote an email, Jen, and if you know

21:45

who wrote one as well. Yeah. He said, my hetero

21:47

life mate Jen and I have been together for eight

21:49

years now. I used to think that

21:51

she loved me for me, but I think she's using

21:53

me for my lucrative military discount at Lowe's at Home

21:55

Depot. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

21:57

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, to let her

21:59

know that. But I love her for her. Do

22:01

you think Arnold Schwarzenegger could stop by and sing

22:03

Give Me a Little Sign by Brenton Wood? Love

22:07

you guys, Sean and Jen. Sure, I'm sure

22:09

Schwarzenegger would be happy to do that for

22:11

you. Well done, Rem and Sean. Can we go

22:13

to music? If

22:20

you don't love me, give me

22:22

a little something. If you're going

22:25

to love me, then lift me

22:27

up, girl. And as if you'll

22:29

lift me, then you're going to

22:31

love me. Because I'm

22:33

feeling blue, and I

22:36

love you. And there's

22:38

just one thing that you

22:40

can do. Just

22:43

give me a little sign, girl. Like,

22:46

baby, show me that you're

22:48

mine, girl. All right.

22:51

Just give me a little sign, girl.

22:54

Oh, my baby, show me that

22:56

you're mine, girl. All

22:58

right. All right, that's

23:00

all I know. What

23:10

song is that? Give me a little sign? Just

23:13

give me a little sign. Who sings it in the

23:15

real world? Brenton Wood, a little R&B tune. Nothing there.

23:17

Oh, I love that song. I knew the name, man.

23:19

But now I like your version best. Yeah, I should

23:21

have recorded this one. That's on Spotify? Bo

23:24

Eirachio? Am I saying that correctly, Bo,

23:26

you here? Oh, hey, welcome.

23:29

Calm down, Bo. Nice to see you. Coming

23:32

from the Bay Area, bringing my buddy Brian

23:35

to his first Hollywood Babylon. He's never heard

23:37

the show or listened to an episode. I

23:39

thought about showing him one. But

23:41

then he decided he should have his HBO

23:43

cherry popped by an in-person experience. Excellent

23:46

idea. He's confused as fuck right now. Let's

23:50

check in with the newcomer. How's it going so far? How's

23:52

it going, Brian? It's going well. Just

23:55

loving every minute of it. All right. I

23:58

praise, Brian. Thank you. We're loving every minute

24:00

of you. Could

24:03

David Lynch let him know what he's in for

24:05

tonight? Sure. Hold

24:07

on, hold on, fucking. I'm

24:10

like a parent at graduation. Don't graduate yet. And

24:15

this is David Lynch per

24:17

Ralph Garman. I'm

24:21

like self-taping an audition. Ralph's

24:24

about to do a little crowd work and

24:28

action. Hello, Brian,

24:30

welcome to the show. I

24:33

think you're going to enjoy yourself. It's

24:35

about 75 degrees here inside

24:37

flappers. A

24:40

comfortable situation for comedy, I find.

24:44

These two gentlemen are very pleasant. One

24:47

of them does a lot of voices and the

24:49

other one asks the other one inappropriate questions about

24:52

fucking. We

24:54

hope you enjoy the rest of the show. Thanks

24:57

for coming by, Brian. Thank

24:59

you. See

25:07

now we put that shit on tic-tac and we're

25:09

fucking. Tic-tac, tic-tac, tac.

25:12

And we get as famous as Matt Rife. Yeah,

25:15

we the hawk to a girl before you know

25:17

it. That's right, fucking. That's what I aim for

25:19

and shit. We got a young it up around

25:21

here, man. Spit on that thing, Ralph. Are

25:26

James and Lizzie here? James and Lizzie, did

25:28

you make it, you guys? Oh,

25:31

I'm sorry to hear that. He was going

25:33

to propose to her in front of everyone. Oh

25:38

shit, he said we'll be listening in case we don't make it.

25:40

So don't say I'm going to propose. Oh

25:43

shit. Says it right

25:46

there. I'll propose when we're listening to the

25:48

recording. We'll ask. James, go now, go now,

25:50

James, go now. Say something fast. Do

25:52

it now. Or

25:55

conversely, we'll cut this out. Yeah,

25:57

exactly, yeah. Lastly,

25:59

Chris Castro, are you in the house,

26:01

Chris? Where are you? There you

26:03

are, hey, Chris. Me and my good friend

26:05

Eva will be attending the show as an early- Eva,

26:08

Eva! Right? Like

26:12

the fucking movie, yeah. Eva. What

26:18

movie is that from? Oh, you're

26:21

from Wally! Motherfucker Wally, son. I

26:23

forgot about Wally. He was in love, he tried to

26:25

fuck the girl world off the whole movie. Right, right,

26:27

right. When he finally

26:29

did it, she was like, ew, it's all coming

26:31

back to me now. Sweet, there's no fucking, they

26:33

were just good friends who picked up garbage. Right.

26:36

It's like you and me. I

26:41

said they pick up garbage, they don't marry garbage. That's

26:43

what we did. I

26:46

said we, it's a joke, man. Our

26:49

wives aren't here. Driving

26:53

down the road- Hold on, we'll cut that out as well. Yeah, really?

26:58

Driving down from Bakersfield, just for

27:00

the show, right, Chris? Bakersfield. Bakersfield.

27:03

Guitars and cattle action, help me

27:05

with the music. That's right, the

27:07

Democratic stronghold of California. That's right.

27:11

They're eating the dogs. They're

27:15

eating the cats. Thank

27:19

you both for the laughs over the years. Could

27:21

David Bowie sing me Happy Birthday? Well, of course,

27:23

Chris, he could. He's on the payroll, why not?

27:26

Quick little music. Don't wait for him. Happy

27:33

birthday to you, Chris. Oh

27:36

yeah. Happy birthday to

27:38

you, Chris. So fucking

27:40

sexy. You drove from

27:42

Bakersfield down, and

27:44

now you're here in the bank. Happy

27:48

birthday to you, Chris. We're

27:52

so happy to celebrate with you. Happy

27:56

birthday to you, Chris. A

28:00

very special birthday. Come

28:04

on! Stop.

28:07

Stop the music. That was

28:10

disgusting. Didn't

28:13

even see that coming. I

28:17

never get to finish a movie of that,

28:20

because it's just so sexy. I surrender to

28:22

the beat and shit. I'm like that girl

28:24

in Flashdance. I know you do. We

28:26

also get emails from all around the world. Hit

28:28

it! Ain't

28:33

no dress. Carmen's

28:36

got an email, man! Featuring

28:41

Kevin's Reactions. That's right. This email comes

28:44

from Devin Howard. She writes, I really

28:46

didn't know your podcast existed about four

28:48

years ago when my boyfriend Brian introduced

28:50

me to it. So

28:53

happy he did. You're hilarious. I've been watching everything

28:55

I can with him over the years, and currently

28:57

we're in a long-distance relationship, and we hope

29:00

to be reunited in the same city soon.

29:02

Oh, that's Casey Kaysome shit right there. It's

29:04

like a long-distance dedication. I was hoping that

29:06

we could get together. I

29:09

love him so much, and I hope

29:11

that someday we'll be sleeping in the same

29:13

bed. Did

29:15

he bite that? No. That was

29:17

horrible. I was like, that's

29:19

so innocent and touching. So

29:21

sweet. When I turn, the pillow is empty,

29:24

and I think about him lying next to me.

29:28

That's when I grab my big black dildo. I

29:33

bruise my insides. I fuck myself so hard.

29:37

Hoping it sucked. Casey,

29:41

I came like Christmas. The

29:47

dildos keep getting bigger as the numbers get

29:49

smaller. I was

29:51

hoping in your next episode, Kevin

29:54

and his sexy Kevin voice could

29:56

describe a special sexy encounter for

29:58

us to engage in when we get together. Do your

30:00

best, Kevin. I'm in love with him so much, I'll

30:02

do anything. I'm totally prepared

30:05

to deliver anything, Kevin describes. Devin

30:09

Howard. She

30:12

wants you to paint their scenario, what they're gonna

30:14

do when they're finally in the same city. Um...

30:19

No, all right. Oh, all of a sudden, you're shy. Yeah, yeah. This

30:23

is one thing when you're talking to your friend

30:25

about it. Yeah, you talk about me, fucking bubbles.

30:28

All right, hold on, what are their names again?

30:30

Uh, Devin and Brian. Devin and Brian. When

30:32

they get together... When they get

30:34

together, this is the sex

30:36

they're gonna have. Sexy

30:39

Kevin. This is what's happened. Can we go

30:41

to a little music? A little sexy Kevin music? Oh,

30:46

Brian. Devin

30:49

is gonna bop for apples

30:52

in your asshole. She's

30:56

looking for those delicious nuggets

30:58

that float and frighten

31:02

you. It's gonna be just

31:04

like Halloween. A trick

31:07

and a fucking treat. Do

31:14

the monster mash in her ass.

31:17

Okay, all right. Oh.

31:22

Okay, that's quite enough of that. Do

31:26

you think by process of elimination, there's

31:28

anyone on the planet who hears that

31:30

and cosides it going, that's a turn

31:33

on. Yeah, that's sexy. Monster mash in

31:35

the ass, I never thought it up

31:37

before. Even

31:41

Bobby Boris Pickett would be like, nah. Yeah, like,

31:43

look, that song made me rich, and even I

31:45

don't want to cross that over. I'll pass. This

31:48

one came from Zach Bowen. He writes, I've been

31:50

reading the right this for years, either I forget

31:53

and it's too late or there isn't an October

31:55

Hollywood Babylon. But this is a

31:57

special Halloween request. Do you

31:59

remember? Pineapple Apple Pen? Yeah.

32:02

We used to do that all the time. You

32:04

would have famous people do it. Back when that

32:06

was a thing. Picataro was the name of the

32:08

guy. Remember, he was like, Pen pineapple, peen, remember

32:10

that guy? Could Ralph

32:13

do Bella Lugosi singing Pen Pineapple

32:15

Apple Pen? Sure,

32:18

it's been years since you've done it, but I

32:20

want it. Zach Bowen writes, well, it's our only October

32:22

show, so we're going to do a Halloween shtick.

32:24

I guess this is it. Can

32:28

we start

32:30

that again?

32:34

You caught me by surprise. You're

32:36

fucking Kate, man. That fucking killed

32:38

me. You're fucking Batman and shit.

32:42

All right, now I'm ready. P

32:46

P A P. I

32:54

hear some pain. I hear

32:56

some apple. Blah.

32:59

Apple pain. I

33:02

hear the pain. I hear

33:04

the pineapple. Blah.

33:06

Pineapple pain. Apple pain.

33:10

Pineapple pain. Blah.

33:13

Pen pineapple, apple pain. Pen

33:18

pineapple, apple pain.

33:25

There we go. Happy Halloween, everybody. Oh,

33:28

my God. Folks

33:31

and stuff for us all the time, especially

33:34

things they find out there on the road,

33:36

fucked up towns with fucked up names. We

33:38

call this segment, Your Town's Got a Fucked

33:40

Up Name. This isn't

33:42

a town. It's

33:46

a road, but I think it's pretty fucked up. It's

33:49

in Georgia, apparently. Can we show the

33:52

road I'm talking about? Come

33:57

on down to Horse Come Road. There's

34:00

no, like, you know, sometimes it's like,

34:03

you know, fucking buttocks or something. You're like,

34:05

well, that could mean something else. Name or

34:07

this is literally, there's only one meaning of

34:09

horse. Come. There's

34:11

no misunderstanding. No, because they didn't even see

34:14

on me like horse. Come. No, no, no.

34:16

It's more like horse. Horse

34:19

tired. It's

34:21

the next exit. Horse

34:25

nap lane. Yeah. Folks

34:29

also send us stuff that's meant for

34:31

children. These things are meant for kids. And

34:34

then when we look at them, we say these are

34:36

inappropriate toys. Christmas

34:48

shit's already out in the stores. Have you

34:50

seen the Christmas decorations? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just seeing

34:53

Halloween. I went to the hardware store and

34:55

they had an entire Christmas decoration section already.

34:57

I'm sorry. Back up. What the fuck would you

34:59

go to a hardware store? Who

35:01

are you fucking, fucking? Tim Allen and shit?

35:03

Like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Why

35:07

would you be in a hardware store? I'm

35:09

a do-it-yourselfer. I'm a fix it guy. What

35:11

are you doing? Fixing stuff. Like,

35:15

is this a hammer? They're like, how

35:17

dare you, sir? What are you doing? I'm quite handy along

35:19

the walls. Are you really? Yes. You can build shit in

35:21

one of these? Are you building the spice rack for your

35:23

new wife? Maybe.

35:28

Well, I was, uh, I was building,

35:30

we had a new island in

35:32

the center of the kitchen. You know, you put like

35:34

a countertop with shelving and stuff. Oh, in the house.

35:36

I was like, you fucking own an island? I just

35:39

bought an island, yes, Cass. This is the first time

35:41

anybody's been holding out on you. I've been holding out

35:43

on you. Yes. I could be investing your

35:45

films, but it said I'm buying real estate. Here,

35:48

I felt good about giving you 2,500 bucks for your wedding.

35:51

Fucking Jesus. Kitchen

35:53

island in the center. Yes. And so,

35:55

uh, she wanted some, uh, alterations

35:58

done to the shelving. So I had

36:00

to buy new shelving brackets

36:03

and stuff. And someone's gonna go on the shelf,

36:05

spices. Why

36:07

are you sawing up on spices? What

36:09

is this, tune? The thing, the spice

36:12

must flow. All

36:14

right, that was the thing, like when I was a

36:16

kid, like fucking husbands would make spice masks. My dad

36:18

was always working on something, a lot of woodworking stuff

36:20

and everything. So I used to help him out. So

36:22

I learned a thing or two. Did you really? Yeah,

36:25

it's really fucking charming. So this whole show business thing

36:27

don't work. You can, it's like a

36:29

reverse Harrison Ford. Yeah. I

36:32

have. American

36:35

man, he has a lot of new

36:37

shelves in New Ireland. And

36:41

I'm gonna put him screws in there. I'm

36:43

sorry. I

36:47

thought you looked familiar. Yes.

36:50

So this is out, this is for kids. The

36:52

guy was doing a little Christmas, not Christmas, I'm

36:54

doing a little shopping and he ran across. This

36:56

is for kids Christmas parties. It's supposed to be

36:58

a punch dispenser is that a beverage dispenser? Sure

37:02

does, just spent a bunch. Yeah, I don't

37:04

know if it's right for the kids to

37:06

be drinking snowman cock. Put

37:11

that on horse come road and you got a

37:13

whole nother thing. Doesn't have to be a kid,

37:15

but it would be amazing if you're the adult

37:17

at the party that's just working it. Like, oh,

37:19

let it run out of your mouth. And

37:21

you're like, see kids, you got to spit on that thing. That's

37:26

a recent development, it seems like. You've been having

37:28

sex for a long time. When did you first

37:30

start? Like in your 16, 15 was? 16

37:34

is when I lost my virginity. 16, and

37:37

they weren't quote unquote spitting on

37:39

that thing. Many years went

37:41

by before the spitting started to happen. I'm

37:44

not against it, but like we

37:46

did just fine without it. Yeah, I'm not

37:48

a big fan of the spitting in general.

37:50

Seems kind of rude. On any part of

37:52

the vibe. To everybody. I agree. It's disrespectful

37:55

to the penis, quite frankly. And who wants

37:57

to fucking work that kind of precision at

37:59

a moment like. Because have you ever tried

38:01

to spit and hit something? Very difficult. You

38:03

know what I'm saying? I'd

38:05

be like, you hit my eye, you fucking

38:07

idiot. Hawk two

38:09

in the other direction, god damn it. But

38:12

it doesn't. And while I'm hitting the penis, it

38:14

does seem small. You got to be

38:16

good. Depending on the penis, I suppose. You got

38:18

to be damn good. You got to be like

38:20

one of those dudes in the busters that are

38:22

like, oh. The spittoon. Truly. But

38:25

when did spitting on the thang become a thang?

38:27

I believe it happened in porn first, and then

38:29

people started to replicate it having watched porn

38:32

movies. But before, like, there's

38:34

a, you know, somebody was

38:36

like, I spit on the thang after. I'm like, I don't blame

38:38

you. I would too. Who wants a mouthful

38:40

of that shit? Spit all over the fucking thang. But

38:43

beforehand, it just seems like, don't

38:45

you need that moisture? Some

38:48

people have more than enough, I guess. Are

38:53

we good with the spitting thing now? Move

38:56

on. Okay. Kyle

38:59

Matthews was online looking for a Yoda

39:01

toy for his kid. He found this

39:03

adorable little figurine that's made by a

39:05

family in Spain. Isn't that cute? It

39:08

works. But then he realized what

39:10

it was if you turned it around, the figurine. It's

39:15

Yoda taking a big old green shit. Apparently

39:19

this company in Spain, it's a family,

39:21

they make these by hand and they've

39:24

got, they're called Cag-aners. Is

39:26

anyone familiar with this phenomenon? It's apparently

39:28

a thing. Cag-aners

39:30

are figurines of people pooping. This

39:33

company also has pop culture options. If you're a

39:36

Batman fan, for example. I am a Batman fan.

39:38

Well, then I'm going to get you this for

39:40

Christmas. I

39:43

mean, this one makes more sense. His

39:46

shit is a different color than he is.

39:48

His shit being the exact same color as

39:50

Yoda, feels like he shit out his

39:52

own intestines. But

39:54

this looks realistic, right? Kyle

39:57

writes, it's too bad Ralph and Jen already got

39:59

married. This could have been their cake topper. They

40:01

sent this one, hey. Yeah,

40:04

missed opportunity there. I'm bummed,

40:06

bummed. And

40:09

lastly, Seth Cano sends this in. It's a

40:11

clip from an educational TV show, a kid

40:13

show called Liberty Kids. It's about,

40:15

do you remember Liberty Kids on PBS? The

40:17

story of kids who were fighting the Revolutionary War back

40:19

in the 1700s. Probably

40:22

the reason we won. We got that because children

40:24

were fighting it. PBS.

40:29

Anyway, this is a clip from Liberty Kids. He

40:31

was watching with his kids and he thinks maybe

40:33

they're sending the wrong message. I don't know. There's

40:36

nothing seditious about an intelligent woman wanting

40:39

to keep well informed. That's

40:41

for Black Dick to decide. Go send

40:43

a pass-a-toh line. Black

40:48

Dick? That's what the sailors

40:50

call Admiral Howe. Give us Black

40:53

Dick and we fear nothing. Give

40:55

us Black Dick and we fear nothing. Put

40:57

that on my tombstone right there. I

41:00

mean, this was made in our lifetimes and

41:02

there's no like they didn't know back then. That's

41:05

what I'm thinking. Someone should have raised their hand

41:07

in a meeting somewhere and said, maybe the pirate's

41:09

name could be something other than Black Dick. I

41:12

think somebody raised their hand to be like, I

41:15

know how we can get Black Dick on television. Follow

41:19

me on this. They

41:22

say PBS is the only way to get it. They

41:24

say PBS is boring. Where

41:26

do they get a load of Black Dick? Give

41:30

us Black Dick and we fear nothing. That

41:33

should be the new motto for the show. That should

41:35

be our new sales pitch on all the merch. Hollywood

41:37

Babylon. Give us Black Dick and we fear nothing. And

41:41

before we can put down our shirt, we got to feel

41:43

that and lip those words. So,

41:45

how far are you

41:49

willing to go for Babylon, Ralph? Why

41:53

is it all of a sudden me? I

41:56

thought it was a wee thing. It's

41:58

one of us, only, you know. How

42:00

many mouths does it take? Just keep... It

42:03

depends on the dick? I guess. Good

42:05

boy. I got some movies to

42:07

show you. Fucking

42:09

from the honeymoon? No.

42:13

Yaman. That's why we went to the islands. Call

42:15

the black dick. Hey

42:22

there, boys and girls. It's your old podcast pal

42:24

Ralph here. Why don't you check out the Ralph

42:26

Report? That's my daily show. Monday

42:28

through Friday you can get an earful

42:30

of me and we have a pretty

42:33

good time. Plus, if you're a Hollywood

42:35

Babylon fan and you subscribe at the

42:37

three or four star general levels, you

42:39

can get the entire back catalog of

42:41

Hollywood Babylon, the past decade of

42:44

Babylon's for you to listen to at your

42:46

leisure. Plus, the four star tier. They get

42:48

to watch us record the show live once

42:51

a week. Plus, there's live

42:53

stream events, all kinds of goodies.

42:55

Why don't you go check it

42:57

out? Go over there at Patreon.

42:59

Go to patreon.com/the Ralph Report. That's

43:02

patreon.com/the Ralph Report or check

43:05

us out at the Ralph

43:07

Report dot com. This

43:13

is a sad segment. This is a giant ass

43:16

segment, by the way. A lot of our beloved

43:18

celebrities have passed away recently. Oh, fuck. We're talking

43:20

about this shit. We're going to pay tribute to

43:22

them in a second when we call the Tinseltown

43:24

Stiffs. Now, another edition

43:26

of Tinseltown Stiffs.

43:28

They will be

43:31

missed. John Ashton,

43:33

star of the Beverly Hills Cop films, has passed away at

43:35

the age of 76, played Sergeant

43:38

Taggart, of course, partnered to judge Reinhold's Billy

43:40

Rosewood in those films. He was just in

43:43

the most recent one, Beverly Hills Cop 4,

43:45

that was on Netflix. And

43:47

I said to my now wife, I said, he doesn't

43:49

look well. And apparently he was battling cancer during the

43:51

filming of that. It has now passed away at the

43:54

age of 76. But I

43:56

always loved him and everything. He played Eric

43:58

Stoltz's dad in some kind of wonderful. He

44:00

was one of the... Good dad, real good. Yeah. A

44:03

competing bounty hunter to... Midnight Run? To Nero

44:05

in Midnight Run. And I always enjoyed seeing

44:07

him on the screen, so that's sad. Legend.

44:10

He'll be Will B. Mespin, Bugger to win.

44:13

Drake Hoggiston has passed away. If there's any

44:15

soap opera fans in the audience, you remember

44:17

him as John Black from Days of Our

44:19

Lives. He, of course, was in

44:21

a long-term relationship with Deidre Hall's Marlene Evans

44:23

on that show. Oh, is that right? Yeah,

44:26

here's a picture of them together back in

44:28

their heyday. He passed away? Yeah, 70 years

44:30

old. Pancreatic

44:32

cancer, sadly. Did

44:35

4,200 episodes of Days

44:37

of Our Lives. Holy

44:39

fuck, man. That's a lot of

44:41

work. I mean, as

44:44

an actor, like applaud somebody who couldn't inhabit

44:46

a character for that long, but, my

44:49

god, you get fucking 4,200 episodes. And

44:51

soap opera work is hard, too, because they throw you

44:53

a brand new script every day, and it's like doing

44:55

a play a day. You gotta memorize your shit and

44:57

get out there and hit your marks. I

45:00

actually did an episode of Days of Our

45:02

Lives very early on in my failed acting

45:04

career, where I

45:06

worked with those two guys. And they were both very

45:08

kind and very charming to me as a young actor

45:10

when I worked on Days of Our Lives. You met

45:13

that man who was on the screen behind us? I

45:15

met him, and he was very kind to me. You

45:17

met a deaf person. Pretty

45:20

sure he was alive when I met him, but

45:22

yes, yeah. Still, man, what was this what year?

45:25

Oh, Jesus. It was late

45:27

80s, early 90s. It was one

45:29

of my first gigs in California. So let's say 1990. Yeah,

45:32

probably. So what year is it right now? So

45:36

30 years ago, this happened, and he was,

45:39

died at 70, so he was 40 when

45:41

you met him. Yeah. And you

45:43

never had the foresight to be like, 30 years

45:46

from now. I'm probably

45:48

talking about his death. I

45:50

will be speaking about your death. I should have brought

45:52

that up when I worked with him. I

45:55

said, you know what? You're going to be dead

45:57

before me. It just struck

45:59

me, Drake. Where's, where's

46:01

Crafty? And

46:04

I'll be talking about the days of your

46:06

death. Oh my God. Wow, that's weird, man.

46:09

Yeah. Small world,

46:11

small world indeed. Maggie Smith has passed

46:13

away. Wow. What a

46:15

legend. That's nice to hear, man, that she affected that many

46:17

lives. That people are like, oh, not nice to hear she

46:19

died. No, no. Nice to hear

46:21

the room go, oh, as opposed to like,

46:23

oh. But she had a

46:25

fucking massive career. For decades. Yeah, I knew her

46:27

in California, sweetheart. She won an Oscar for that.

46:31

Yeah. And of course in

46:33

the UK, she had a tremendous career. But

46:35

unlike so many actresses, sadly in the entertainment

46:37

business, her career blossomed late in her life.

46:41

She got even more work working, of course, in the

46:43

Harry Potter films. And then

46:45

Downton Abbey made her a star as well. I

46:47

forgot she won an Oscar for the prime of

46:49

Miss Jean Bode. Yes. She won the

46:51

supporting actress Oscar for California, sweet. Two Oscars. But

46:55

most people, like I

46:57

saw, and maybe it's just the age, but

47:00

most people were like, oh, my God, that's Wendy and

47:02

Hook. Yeah. Right. And

47:05

it's based on that. But she was actually the

47:07

best part of Hook. Like her being Peter, don't

47:09

you remember who you are? Oh,

47:11

oh, no, I don't. Peter Pan. Oh,

47:14

I'm flying. You

47:17

and me on the road doing Hook. A

47:20

two man show. Two man show.

47:25

American Pickers, Frank Fitz has passed away. Did you

47:28

watch American Pickers? I don't. I

47:30

loved that show. Two guys, like you and

47:32

me. In fact, he was bearded, just

47:34

like you. I could have been the

47:36

wolf to your Fritz. You

47:40

don't know what any of that means, do you? No, but I could

47:42

tell by your eyes, it's meaningful. Yeah. He

47:46

traveled around with his friend, Mike Wolf, and

47:48

they would just travel around in a van

47:50

and stop off at people's houses and old

47:52

barns and decrepitated buildings.

47:57

Crumbulance. It

47:59

embiggenous. man's soul. Yes. And

48:02

they would find collectibles and stuff. Stuff they

48:04

could rescue and sell and make

48:06

a mint off of all these old collectible things.

48:08

Why does that sound like us? What

48:11

if we ever stopped at a person's house and

48:13

be like, can we pick through your meager possessions?

48:16

Because they were friends and they were funny together

48:18

and they went on the road and it was

48:21

a life. It was a life well lived. Something

48:24

tells me they made a lot more money than we

48:26

did this year. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Yeah. They

48:29

picked a lot of gold. How many years of a TV show?

48:32

12 years together on the show. I've

48:34

never seen the show. Is that possible? It's

48:36

a cable thing. I think History Channel? Did

48:38

anybody know where it was? It was a

48:40

History Channel? Yeah. Yeah.

48:43

But it was a very entertaining show because as a collector,

48:45

I loved when they find something that you think, look at

48:47

this oil can. And you're

48:50

like, oh, can't go fuck yourself.

48:52

They're like, it's got Batman on

48:54

it. You're like, oh, I love

48:57

that stuff. Good. How old was

48:59

that dude? He

49:01

had a stroke two years ago and apparently never

49:03

recovered. John

49:06

Amos, the dad from Good Times, passed away at the

49:08

age of 84. Fuck it. This is

49:10

America's dad, man. For sure. When I

49:12

was a kid, James Sr. Another

49:14

great actor. Not only great on Good

49:16

Times, but he was also the older

49:18

Kunta Kinte in the Roots mini series.

49:21

He was Gordy the weatherman on

49:23

the old Mary Tyler Moore show. Mr. McDowell.

49:25

He was Mr. McDowell in Coming to America,

49:27

of course. Admiral Fitzwallace in the

49:30

West Wing with Martin Sheen. I mean, great

49:32

at everything, this guy. He was in one

49:34

of the diehards as well, right? Yeah.

49:37

There he is with Esther Roll from their

49:39

Good Times set. So 84 years old. I

49:41

spent a lot of time with TV and

49:43

childhood as I'm sure you did. Yes. Like

49:46

you always like saw dads and moms on TV

49:48

and tried to go like, well, how

49:50

do they compare to the real life fucking dad

49:53

at my real life dad? And I love my father,

49:55

but I fucking love James. Me too. I've

49:58

seen your way more. More

50:01

than your own father, you're saying. He would have made a

50:03

man out of me. That's true. Because

50:06

he had an artist, son. JJ was an

50:08

artist, but he still like, he turned him

50:10

into a man and shit. My dad was

50:12

just like, there's no point. This roly-poly fuck

50:14

is lost. Let him

50:16

do whatever he's gonna do. This James probably

50:18

would have given you a catchphrase. That's true. He'd

50:21

be like, dynamite! Those are good times. Literally.

50:27

I don't know if this is the naivete of youth,

50:30

but you feel the same way that when

50:32

we were watching shows like The Jeffersons and

50:34

Good Times, we didn't even register that they

50:36

were black-themed sitcoms. There were more family than

50:38

anything else. I didn't even dawn on me

50:40

that it was like a black show versus

50:42

all in the family being a white show

50:44

or whatever. We just watched everything and it

50:46

never really struck me as being different in

50:48

any way. I would agree with that. I

50:51

miss those days when you could just put a show

50:53

on television and it didn't matter what color the family

50:55

was. If it was good, people watched and they loved

50:57

it. Truth. Look

51:00

at that shit, dude. Run for office, quick!

51:03

They're eating the dog! Oh,

51:05

fuck, you ruined it, damn it! You

51:08

had them! Wait,

51:10

now you have more of them. They're from the fringes. That's

51:13

right. And lastly, Chris

51:15

Christofferson passed away recently. Oh, man. The

51:17

age of 88. How

51:19

old? 88 years old. What a

51:21

life. Yeah, singer, songwriter, sex

51:23

symbol, movie star. He

51:26

wrote a song that I was surprised that he

51:28

wrote. I was like, oh shit, he wrote that

51:30

song? And I forget what it was. Baby Shark.

51:33

That'd be amazing. Yeah. He's

51:36

like, I did a fucking fifth of

51:38

tequila and wrote Baby Shark. He

51:42

was like one of them man's man. For

51:44

sure. When we were kids. For sure.

51:47

Yeah. Did you have that super

51:49

group with Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson and Waylon

51:51

Jennings? I go further back. Conboy, man. My dad

51:53

took me to see Conboy in a movie theater.

51:55

Did you forgive him after? That

51:59

movie made my dad. happy. Rubber

52:01

duck. Yeah. Yeah. Big pen this year is

52:03

the rubber duck. I'm about to put the

52:05

hammer down. Worked with Sam Peckipal

52:07

who directed that film. Also worked with Pat Garrett

52:10

and Billy the Kid. He was in that as

52:12

well. Playing Billy himself. He was in the

52:15

with Barbara Strassen. The star is born.

52:18

Yeah. He was a star really. Heaven's

52:21

Gate. He starred in that. Alice doesn't live here

52:23

anymore. Martin Scrisp's. That's right. He was in Heaven's

52:25

Gate as well. But you know, I

52:27

always remember him as Han

52:29

Solo in the

52:32

Donnie and Marie show Parody

52:34

of Star Wars. That's how

52:37

I remember Chris Christopher. If you've never seen it in

52:39

1977, the Donnie Marie show, one of the hottest

52:42

shows on television, did a full

52:44

blown Star Wars parody song and dance

52:46

number. And Chris Christopher, the

52:49

musical guest that week was stuck playing

52:51

Han Solo. You've never seen someone

52:53

more uncomfortable in your life. Please

52:55

watch this. Music

53:24

is a flash in

53:26

me. I want to

53:28

take you higher. I'm

53:32

gonna make you higher. Push a

53:34

few but you have to fly.

53:36

You're gonna make it

53:38

higher. 70s

53:55

were weird, man. I

54:00

don't give a shit, it's still better than the acolyte. Oh!

54:05

I'm kidding, I didn't see the acolyte. That's right, you

54:07

didn't bother watching it. I was having

54:09

that time I was working on a movie. That's right.

54:12

You'll catch up to it, I'm sure. That's

54:14

Whistler right there, man. Yeah?

54:17

Yeah, I mean, there's been hits of,

54:19

maybe there's a forthcoming Wesley Snipes, one

54:22

more Blade movie. I know. But sadly,

54:24

it won't have a Whistler movie. Movies

54:27

and TV shows like that Donny Marie show

54:29

put a lot of shit out. And that

54:33

was intentional though. Sometimes we find mistakes in things

54:35

and we call those things shit that should not

54:37

be. And now

54:39

for shit we should not see.

54:43

Here's some shit that should not

54:45

be. This

54:49

comes from Matthew King. Matthew writes,

54:51

I was watching the Godfather Part

54:53

II the other night. And, no

54:57

thank you, I'm good. I'm all good. Watching

55:01

Godfather Part II the other night. You know

55:03

the famous scene in Godfather Part II where

55:05

Pacino grabs Fredo's face. He's

55:07

like, I'm your father. No, that's not

55:10

what happens. It

55:13

gives him the kiss of death. It says, I

55:15

knew it was you Fredo. You broke my heart.

55:17

Oh my God, that sounds just like him. Just

55:19

like that. He

55:21

says in the establishing shot where they're showing the

55:23

party, apparently Michael has been grabbing

55:26

and kissing him all night. Because this scene

55:28

happens in the film well before that scene

55:30

happens. And if you look where it's circled

55:32

as we watch it, you'll see Pacino just

55:34

grabbing him by the face and kissing him

55:36

all over. Shit that

55:38

should not be. So this is

55:41

before it happened? Yes,

55:48

this is before it happened. So this is an establishing

55:50

shot of the party and apparently they just decided to

55:52

use this scene. They'll

55:57

said no one will ever notice that Al Pacino. John

56:00

or they're doing the scene before they punched in.

56:03

So now the movie's ruined. It is. Yeah.

56:06

Fuck that movie. What is that movie, Sharon

56:08

Common with Clerks 2? They

56:10

both have two in the title? You're

56:14

right. What else? The only

56:16

thing I can think of. They both have a donkey show

56:18

in it. Oh yeah, that's

56:20

right. So in that way, I'm just

56:23

like the god fuck. You are. Just

56:27

like Coppola. Yeah. Did you

56:29

see that yet? No. No.

56:31

No one has. Didn't

56:34

seem to fare too well. I mean, I can't speak. I don't

56:36

even know what the fuck we made at the box office. And

56:40

we have found also when it comes to

56:42

feature films that sometimes bad acting can

56:45

go all the way around to become

56:47

exquisite acting. To

56:49

be or not to

56:51

be, that is the question.

56:54

Welcome to the world of exquisite

56:56

acting with Ralph Gorman and Kevin

56:58

Smith. All right,

57:00

this one comes from Amy in New

57:02

York City. I was recently rewatching River's

57:05

Edge. She asks, was there really

57:07

a time when we thought this was a good movie?

57:10

It's a good movie. It's a great

57:12

movie, but it's dark as fuck. And

57:14

some of the performances are a little

57:16

exquisite. She is featuring Crispin Glover in

57:19

this particular scene. He always goes for

57:21

it. He sure does. And sometimes it

57:23

really works. And then sometimes he's in

57:25

River's Edge. Here's

57:28

a little of his

57:30

exquisite acting. Get

57:36

out. You

57:40

don't understand a goddamn thing, do

57:42

you? Jamie

57:46

is dead, damn it. And

57:49

there's nothing that we can do to save her.

57:51

Now that happens a lot, Jamie. But

57:53

John is still alive. Don't

57:56

you see that? Who's

57:59

next on his... This is List. Don't

58:08

you see that? He

58:11

took a one syllable word and held it out for

58:13

three, man. That was pretty amazing. But

58:16

you know what? You remember that scene. I do, for

58:18

sure. Was Keanu Reeves in the backseat? Yes, yeah.

58:22

And that's Ioni Scott. Keanu Reeves is in

58:24

that fucking scene, you don't even know,

58:26

because Chris McLubber has your attention. That's

58:30

when Keanu started going, whoa. He

58:34

was trying to figure some way to full focus and he

58:36

started... Time

58:38

to take a look at all the entertainment news in a segment

58:41

we call the HBO Headlines. Give

58:43

me head, give me head,

58:45

give me headlines, and give

58:48

me head... Oh, oh, oh. All right.

58:52

Direct TV and Dish have

58:55

now created a mega company whose product

58:57

no one will use anymore, so congratulations

59:00

to them. So they used to be two

59:02

separate companies. They did indeed, yes. But they do

59:04

the similar thing. They had satellite television. So

59:06

this is like a Sirius XM merger kind

59:08

of thing. Yes. Remember they used to

59:10

be two different companies? Yes. And then they

59:12

were like, we do the same thing, let's be friends. Let's lose

59:14

money together. I

59:17

should only one of us be going broke. That's true. Wow.

59:21

So they're going to Thelma and Louisa? Apparently it

59:23

was a deal worth $9.75 billion. I

59:26

don't know where that number comes from,

59:28

but it looks like Direct TV is

59:30

willing to accept all of the debt that Dish TV

59:33

had, which I think would be an indicator if you're

59:35

a business to say, maybe this isn't a business we

59:37

want to absorb, the one with all the debt. Yeah,

59:39

really. I know everybody I know is cutting

59:41

the cord to satellite. It used to be you cut the cord

59:43

from cable and you went to satellite. Now

59:45

it's streaming. Nobody even bothers with satellite anymore.

59:50

What's with the $9.75 billion? I

59:52

don't know where they got that

59:54

number from, but the debt? Oh,

59:57

that's the debt. That's the debt that they're

59:59

absorbing for Dish TV. is $9.75 billion. Oh

1:00:01

my God, man. Well, they'll make that up in a

1:00:04

couple months. That's not a problem. Climb

1:00:06

out of that hole, kids. Daniel

1:00:08

Day-Lewis is back as

1:00:11

an actor. He is unretired. He's

1:00:14

stopping making shoes. Because that's what

1:00:16

he does when he's not acting. He makes shoes. Get

1:00:18

the fuck out of here. Google it.

1:00:21

Really? He's a shoemaker? He gobbles. He's

1:00:23

a cobbler. He

1:00:25

gobbled? He's not a cobbler? No,

1:00:27

no. He makes shoes. Apparently, it

1:00:29

was passionate as he learned to make fucking shoes and

1:00:32

shit. So that's what he did. I don't think he

1:00:34

does it anymore, but he took a few years off

1:00:36

to make shoes. Greatest

1:00:40

shoemaker in the world. Apparently. I'd

1:00:42

like to own a pair of Daniel Day-Lewis shoes. I

1:00:45

heard he only had one left foot, though. Oh,

1:00:49

fuck you. That was good. That was good. Audience

1:00:52

spot. Audience telling you to file it, but I

1:00:54

liked it. Apparently,

1:00:58

he's going to be appearing in a film

1:01:00

written and directed by his son, Ronan. That's

1:01:02

why he's coming out of retirement. Oh, that's

1:01:04

good fucking reason for our kids. That's

1:01:06

kind of sweet. No

1:01:08

word on what the story is. It's

1:01:11

called Anemone. That's the name

1:01:13

of the movie. Anemone. Yeah. Right on, man.

1:01:15

The storyline is being kept under wraps, but

1:01:18

apparently Sean Bean is also in the cast.

1:01:20

Samantha Morton, pretty good cast. He's

1:01:22

lucky to get Daniel Day-Lewis to star in it.

1:01:25

What kind of fucking real professional works with

1:01:28

their kid? Right? It's kind of tacky when

1:01:30

you think about it. By the way, brand

1:01:32

new podcast, Beardless Dickless Me. Yeah, starring me

1:01:35

and my kid, Harley Quinn Smith. And

1:01:38

John Boyega has a new role. I'm

1:01:40

looking forward to this. It's from a

1:01:42

film called Otis and Zellma. It is

1:01:45

the biopic about R&B singer Otis Redding.

1:01:47

Oh, shit. Yeah. John Boyega will be

1:01:49

playing Otis, who, of course, one

1:01:52

of the biggest hit singer songwriters of

1:01:54

the 1960s in a very short

1:01:56

period of time, sitting on the dock of

1:01:59

the bay, the original respect. These arms of

1:02:01

mine hard to handle he had

1:02:03

a massive career that was cut tragically

1:02:05

short in 1967 when

1:02:07

he died in a plane crash at the age

1:02:09

of 26 what that's how young you was yeah

1:02:12

He left behind his wife Zelma and three

1:02:14

young children And this is going to be

1:02:16

the story of their love affair and his

1:02:18

meteoric rise John Boyega is a

1:02:20

good actor. I think it'll be good in the hell of an actor. Yeah

1:02:24

From one movie I want to see to this one I

1:02:28

Paramount has announced Rugrats the live-action

1:02:31

film oh Really

1:02:35

they're gonna yeah down they're gonna make babies

1:02:37

do this stuff at

1:02:39

gunpoint which is really Move

1:02:42

around be a pickles. No

1:02:44

you'll be happy to know they're using

1:02:46

all CGI babies which promises to make

1:02:49

it unfucking watchable Is

1:02:51

it mixture of live-action and CG like

1:02:54

so real people with so

1:02:56

it's the chipmunks, but with the fucking

1:02:58

babies Wow yeah, the parents will

1:03:00

probably be you have live actors And then

1:03:02

they're gonna do all CGI babies for Chucky

1:03:04

and Phil and Lily and all those people

1:03:07

Well look I remember sitting on this show

1:03:10

years ago, and you were like

1:03:12

they're making a fucking Lego movie I was

1:03:14

like they should burn in hell these fucking

1:03:16

assholes. We were in Hollywood gonna fucking learn

1:03:19

Out we're like Jesus Christ is one of the greatest movies ever

1:03:21

made So I don't

1:03:23

know could work maybe it'll work, but I was

1:03:26

never a big Rugrats person It wasn't for me

1:03:28

either, but I know people who loved that show

1:03:30

in the 1990s who grew up with it And

1:03:32

I think this is the stuff of nightmares for

1:03:34

them That's even

1:03:36

CGI babies with misshapen heads and shit. What's it

1:03:38

gonna look like a Fucking

1:03:42

fever dream cast full of Funko pops

1:03:44

Yeah, exactly Abbot

1:03:47

elementary is gonna cross over and do an episode with

1:03:49

the gang from it's always sunny in Philadelphia Serious

1:03:52

what a clever idea Wow both

1:03:54

shows of course set in my

1:03:56

beloved hometown of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Oh

1:03:59

is that where? Go Birds! Go Birds!

1:04:02

Go who? Go Birds! Birds!

1:04:05

Birds! Because the eagle is a bird.

1:04:07

Filled off the eagles. Birds! Eagles!

1:04:10

Birds! They call them birds? Go get a

1:04:12

couple of hoagies. Go watch the eagles. Look, I'm down with

1:04:14

all of that. I came from New Jersey and we laughed

1:04:16

at you guys' consulates. Let's go do the wah wah. But

1:04:18

birds is what you guys call them. Call them the birds.

1:04:20

Yeah. The birds. Go down

1:04:23

to Lincoln Financial Field. Watch the birds. Go

1:04:25

Birds! Pre-K! Where'd

1:04:27

you get your cheese sticks? I

1:04:30

go to Jim's on

1:04:32

South Street. Yeah, it's my favorite place. If you

1:04:34

said Pat's or G knows, I was going to

1:04:37

call you. Fucking tourists, man. Yeah.

1:04:40

Abbott Elementary and Rob Meckleany and...

1:04:42

Is that how you say his

1:04:45

name? Meckleany? Is

1:04:47

that right? Meckleany. Meckleany. Thank

1:04:50

you, sir. He's sitting up front just to correct me.

1:04:52

I like this guy. You

1:04:54

better get to work. You missed a lot of shit earlier.

1:04:57

I was told there was going to be no fact checking. Danny

1:05:02

DeVito and Charlie Day will be doing an

1:05:05

episode with them. So I will

1:05:07

be watching. That's cool. Two cool shows. Sadly,

1:05:09

however, we missed out on

1:05:12

an opportunity Amazon has announced they're not

1:05:14

moving forward with the rebooted Who's the

1:05:16

Boss? Featuring a

1:05:18

grown Alyssa Milano and an elderly

1:05:21

Tony Danza reprising their roles. I

1:05:24

was not like a big watcher that show. Nor

1:05:28

was I. But somebody did. It had like

1:05:30

96 seasons. It did indeed.

1:05:32

I find it surprising that they didn't go...

1:05:34

I'm shocked. This is where they're drawing line

1:05:37

at raping old IP for streeters. Yeah. They're

1:05:39

like, we can't respect. We got to respect fucking Tony

1:05:42

Danza. I mean, I think we all learned who the

1:05:44

boss was in the original series. I don't think we

1:05:46

want to open up that can of worms again. Maybe

1:05:49

that's how they pitch it. They're like, this

1:05:51

time around, we're finally going to learn who's

1:05:53

the boss. That's right. It'll

1:05:55

be, he's the boss. Exclamation point.

1:05:57

We'll have the answer finally. murder

1:06:00

mystery and I sell this

1:06:02

thing you turn into a murder podcast yeah

1:06:04

right who's the boss

1:06:06

who killed that fucker who killed the boss

1:06:10

and Justin Bieber's in the news you remember

1:06:12

Justin Bieber don't you I do yeah the

1:06:30

seems to have gone softer since the I

1:06:32

think because of the Diddy thing because people

1:06:35

think he was he was taken advantage of

1:06:37

by Diddy there's a school of thought that's

1:06:39

we don't know that for a fact but

1:06:41

it looks like Diddy took advantage of whoever

1:06:43

he could right and he was a youngster

1:06:45

yeah he was he was a young man

1:06:48

he was probably easily swayed

1:06:50

or manipulated by people with bad intent and

1:06:52

she'll be should we let him up the

1:06:54

hook I mean a point being this could

1:06:56

be like you know finding out that Darth

1:06:58

Vader was a little boy I know

1:07:02

you didn't

1:07:06

deserve any on some shit happened to him

1:07:08

so he went bad so could be that

1:07:10

fucking maybe he's not a little cut maybe

1:07:12

he's a little victim all right

1:07:14

can we make fun of his wife yeah

1:07:17

okay good Haley

1:07:19

Bieber's in the news Haley

1:07:22

Bieber she

1:07:29

released a self-centered photo dump

1:07:32

on social media this past week

1:07:34

entitled it's October and I'm someone's

1:07:36

mom because I met

1:07:38

a photo double like one of those

1:07:40

statues shit wasn't an actual dump I'm

1:07:43

happy to see that photo just a

1:07:45

bunch of photos she and Justin just

1:07:47

had a new baby Jack blues Bieber

1:07:50

middle name blues in case you missed

1:07:52

it Jack blues beaver leave the kid

1:07:54

alone so she

1:07:56

posted the photo saying I'm someone's mom and

1:07:58

this was the photo which I

1:08:00

thought was funny. That's

1:08:02

someone's mom, and I'm calling the nanny

1:08:05

to see how my child is. It's

1:08:08

exactly what my mother looked like in the 70s. Right? Me too.

1:08:11

Where's the kids? Well, that doesn't matter. I'm

1:08:14

a mom. That's right. And more importantly, I'm

1:08:16

an influencer. So

1:08:18

that's what that is, right? You want to

1:08:20

take a look at some geek news? Fuck yeah. Why not?

1:08:23

Rock and camera, rock and camera, rock and

1:08:25

camera, geek news. That's

1:08:31

right. Amazon may be denying us

1:08:33

who's the boss again, but

1:08:35

they're giving us Voltron, the live-action

1:08:37

Voltron. Have you seen this? Live

1:08:40

action? Live-action Voltron movie. Directed

1:08:43

by Rossin Marshall Thurber, the

1:08:45

man who gave us Red Notice from Netflix. Did

1:08:47

you see that with the... People are

1:08:49

not as excited now about the Voltron movie. What

1:08:52

was that one? They noticed what was The Rock

1:08:54

and Ryan Reynolds

1:08:56

and Gal Gadot. It wasn't a Christmas movie.

1:08:58

No, no. That's Red One. It's a different

1:09:01

red. That's coming soon. There's a lot of

1:09:03

reds. There's Red with Bruce Willis, and there's

1:09:05

a lot of red movies, but this was

1:09:07

Red Notice. Big Red One, Hunt for Red

1:09:09

October. Red States. Red States. How

1:09:12

do we not think of that first? Because

1:09:14

like most people, I never considered Kevin

1:09:16

Smith movies ever. Yeah. This

1:09:19

of course, based on Voltron, Defender of the Universe,

1:09:21

which ran on the, in syndication in the 1980s.

1:09:24

Live action? Yes, Kevin. So

1:09:27

they're gonna do the giant fucking like, he comes

1:09:29

together and takes on fucking... Right? It's

1:09:31

almost like a Transformer or something. How are they gonna do

1:09:34

that? What was that movie, The Pacific Rim? It's kind of

1:09:36

like that. Yeah. Right on.

1:09:39

But a bunch of people who drive lion cars or something,

1:09:42

I don't know. I didn't want to. They're gonna make the

1:09:44

robot lions come together. And they come together and... This

1:09:47

is not the wrong sound for the other show. He's giant.

1:09:50

And then he has a sword.

1:09:52

It's gonna start Daniel Quinn Toy,

1:09:54

who is an unknown... I fucking

1:09:56

love him. No, you don't. He's an unknown actor. who

1:10:00

was the understudy for Tom Holland on

1:10:03

the West End. And he apparently got

1:10:05

great notices, and now he's gonna be

1:10:07

a movie star. They're like,

1:10:09

you're such a great actor. Go be in

1:10:11

Voltron. That's right. That's

1:10:13

your reward. That's your prize. Get to be in

1:10:15

a robot car. Uh, lion,

1:10:18

lion, fine. Lion, bitch.

1:10:23

Dynamic Duo is another feature film that DC Studios

1:10:25

is gonna be doing. It's an

1:10:27

animated film talking about the relationship between

1:10:29

Dick Grayson and Jason Todd. Ah.

1:10:33

I think they should give more sidekicks and

1:10:35

villains their own films and less about the

1:10:37

superheroes themselves. Seems like a good business plan.

1:10:41

Is that a comment on something? It is. The

1:10:44

Joker 2 film came out recently. Came out

1:10:46

this weekend. It did indeed, and apparently

1:10:48

people are not pleased. Did you see

1:10:50

it? I did not. Um, yeah, it

1:10:53

was apparently, like, you know, the first one opened to,

1:10:55

like, almost 100 million, went on to make a billion.

1:10:57

Indeed. They're saying, like, this one

1:10:59

is gonna open at 47 million, and

1:11:02

that's a disappointment. Meanwhile,

1:11:05

I've never had a movie reach 47 million, so...

1:11:08

I wish I could be Joker 2 disappointing

1:11:10

someday. I aspire to that level of fucking

1:11:13

flop dimension like that. You never had the

1:11:15

Joker in your movies either, though. Well,

1:11:17

Jason, you was pretty fucking close. That's

1:11:20

true, yeah. But my movies have never

1:11:22

cost 190 million. That's

1:11:24

the thing that baffled me, is the first one was,

1:11:26

like, what, 50s, 60s? That's what I

1:11:28

believe, yeah. Low budget, and it made fucking a billion dollars.

1:11:30

And then this one was 190 million bucks. Yeah.

1:11:33

And it's a courtroom drama. From everything I've read,

1:11:35

it's like, you know, yes, they're song and dance

1:11:37

numbers, which they tried to keep very quiet for

1:11:40

some reason. Yeah. Um, I don't

1:11:42

know if you keep that quiet when you cast Lady

1:11:44

Gaga. Lady Gaga, you're assuming there's gonna be music. But

1:11:46

everything I've read is, like, people going, like, it is

1:11:48

so much court. Like, they're in court most

1:11:50

of the time. And I was

1:11:53

like, what? So courtroom is one set. Why

1:11:55

do you need 190 million? But to

1:11:57

get people to come back, you gotta

1:12:00

pay a lot. So they said

1:12:02

Joaquin, Lady Gaga, and Todd Phillips,

1:12:04

the director, to get them all,

1:12:06

you know, well, to get two

1:12:08

to come back and her to

1:12:10

come, 50 million

1:12:12

bucks right there. Just for

1:12:14

them. Before they shot a frame of film. That's

1:12:16

a lot of money. So then that's 140 to

1:12:18

make the movie and stuff. But yeah, that's a

1:12:20

lot of fucking dough, man. But it

1:12:23

doesn't look like it's going to do the business that the last one

1:12:25

did. I don't think they're going to lose money by any stretch of

1:12:27

the imagination, but it's not going to be what it was. However,

1:12:30

the Penguin is doing very well over there on that.

1:12:32

People seem to love it, man. For

1:12:34

the second week in a row, it's the

1:12:36

number one top streaming show on

1:12:38

the streamers in terms of viewership. So I

1:12:40

haven't seen that yet either, but I heard

1:12:42

it's great. And I was scoffing at that

1:12:44

idea. I thought maybe that would be difficult,

1:12:47

but Colin Farrell is just a goddamn powerhouse

1:12:49

actor. Wonderful actor. Yeah,

1:12:51

absolutely. Did you watch Sugar on Apple TV? I

1:12:53

did not, but I ate a lot in my

1:12:55

life. Yeah, it's a very different story. I

1:12:58

met him. He's a nice guy back in the Daredevil days

1:13:01

when Ben was Daredevil. He did an episode of Like Dinner

1:13:03

for Five, and he was a good guy. DC

1:13:06

also making a Bane Deathstroke buddy film. I

1:13:08

don't know if that's a good idea or

1:13:11

not. Well, so what? They're doing a team

1:13:13

up between Dick Grayson and Jason Todd and

1:13:15

a team up between... Bane and Deathstroke are

1:13:17

going to be in the same film. So

1:13:20

it's not the Bane we know. It's a brand new

1:13:22

version of Bane. Apparently, yes. It's going to be the

1:13:24

Deathstroke we know. I guess. But

1:13:28

not the one from the Snyderverse. No. As

1:13:31

far as I know, this is all done

1:13:33

by James Gunn and Peter Safran, and they

1:13:35

are putting them together in a film that

1:13:37

will feature the stories of Bane and Deathstroke.

1:13:43

That's my point. You heard that right from

1:13:45

the audience. Why? Let them fight superheroes, and

1:13:47

then I'll watch. Or

1:13:50

not for nothing, but I know

1:13:52

they're trying to make a strong impression, right? Because

1:13:54

they've had a troubled decade of DC movies. Yeah,

1:13:57

stuff's all going to be pulled together. How about

1:13:59

you just stick to... of the classics

1:14:01

everybody knows, man. It was fucking

1:14:03

Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Green

1:14:05

Lantern, like save everyone else until

1:14:07

you establish a universe that everybody

1:14:10

knows. But you know what? Don't

1:14:13

take any advice from the guy who made the 430 movie. I

1:14:15

know. But it just feels like

1:14:18

why, look, I'm not

1:14:20

who we kid, and I'll watch them all, and I'll jerk off

1:14:22

doing it. But it feels like you

1:14:24

could probably. You build a lot of goodwill if you

1:14:26

have success with your starters, right? You're

1:14:28

a team, and then you have the leeway. People

1:14:30

will give you more latitude when they watch your

1:14:32

more interesting choices. But to be fair, I remember

1:14:35

at one point being all judgy and being like,

1:14:37

can you believe fucking Marvel? They're so successful, they're

1:14:39

going to now try to do this Guardians of

1:14:41

the Galaxy bullshit, like one of the worst comics

1:14:44

ever. It'll never work. And now

1:14:46

this guy has his own fucking universe to play.

1:14:48

I know. Good old James Gunn. He's

1:14:50

giving us Green Lantern on television, too,

1:14:52

the Lanterns. Which

1:14:54

I'd heard for a minute. They

1:14:57

went out to, what's his name, Brolin.

1:14:59

Yeah, they went to Josh Brolin to

1:15:01

play. And he passed. But now somebody

1:15:03

said yes. Kyle Chandler from Friday Night

1:15:05

Lights. He had a football show. Is

1:15:07

going to be the new Hal Jordan.

1:15:10

We have a shot of those two, I think, side

1:15:12

by side. Yeah, there we go. That'll work. I

1:15:14

think so. Totally, man. He's the

1:15:16

guy that took down Leonardo DiCaprio. Oh,

1:15:18

that's right. It's a buddy

1:15:20

cop series, apparently. In a movie, sorry. No, no.

1:15:23

Didn't punch him on a yacht or something. Hit

1:15:26

him with a supermodel. Yeah. Kyle.

1:15:30

Ah! Kyle

1:15:33

Chandler is Hal Jordan. And they're looking for

1:15:35

their John Stewart, who will be the younger

1:15:37

Green Lantern partner. And the two of them

1:15:39

have to solve an Earth-based mystery in America's

1:15:42

heartland. What good idea to take

1:15:44

one of your science fiction characters and put them

1:15:46

in a field of corn. That's an excellent plan.

1:15:49

Sounds like they're trying to do like a

1:15:51

kind of version of hard-traveling heroes to some

1:15:53

degree. Look, it's

1:15:55

just an idea on paper. Who knows what it would be.

1:15:57

But the point of the Green Lantern.

1:16:00

lantern character is

1:16:02

unlimited imagination. Yes.

1:16:05

Get your fingertips in the way of

1:16:07

the Owen ring, which anything

1:16:10

you imagine could happen. Right.

1:16:13

And they're like, let's stick it in a corn field.

1:16:15

Yes, let's put him in the heartland where

1:16:17

he can imagine a really good pizza. It's

1:16:20

hard to find in the heartland.

1:16:22

Be fucking like, if they're gonna

1:16:24

do Green Lantern, and

1:16:28

it's like the power of imagination, like

1:16:30

I know he's a hero and he's a good guy, but

1:16:32

if you're gonna win, you're gonna defeat

1:16:34

evil, you gotta go hard. So you

1:16:36

can't be like, it's a giant boxing

1:16:38

glove. You gotta go like,

1:16:40

it's an apparition of your mother getting killed. Oh,

1:16:43

Jesus. That'll stop a

1:16:45

motherfucker in their tracks, like mother. And then you

1:16:47

punch him and you win. I see. So

1:16:50

you're more of an intellectual superhero, Kevin. This

1:16:52

is gonna be my pitch to Warner Brothers.

1:16:56

Green Lantern focuses on trauma. Yes,

1:17:00

let me in charge, you'll make Joker two months. All

1:17:06

right, folks, it's time to say goodnight. But before we

1:17:08

do, we got one last bit of business. Every

1:17:11

episode for a long, long time now, we've

1:17:13

been talking about one of our favorite penises

1:17:15

in Hollywood, and that of course, is

1:17:17

the massive penis of Liam Neeson. You

1:17:19

folks have been kind enough each and

1:17:21

every time we do this show to

1:17:23

send in your facts about it. You

1:17:25

too can, if you're interested, you can

1:17:27

go to hbopodcastataol.com and send us in

1:17:30

anything for any of our segments. Thanks

1:17:32

to everybody who sent in this week's

1:17:34

facts about Liam Neeson's cock. ♪

1:17:40

Oh, we can't help but wonder

1:17:42

♪ ♪ How big is Liam

1:17:45

Neeson's cock? ♪ Wie

1:17:49

gross is Liam Neeson's penis?

1:17:51

That's right. This

1:17:53

is weird, because when we used to do the show at 10 o'clock,

1:17:56

this was like a midnight bit. I know, yeah. It's weird doing

1:17:58

it this early. I know. We're talking about this

1:18:00

famous guy's dick. It just feels

1:18:02

wrong now. Everybody's still sober.

1:18:05

I know. Liam

1:18:07

Neeson's cock is so big. How big

1:18:09

is it? It's so big,

1:18:11

Diddy didn't have enough baby oil for him. Oh! It's

1:18:15

like 10,000 bottles. All

1:18:17

karate right there. Not enough. No.

1:18:20

No Diddy at all. Liam

1:18:23

Neeson's cock is so big. How big is

1:18:25

it? It's starting its own fashion line, and

1:18:28

I think we have the pants from that

1:18:30

line up there right there. There

1:18:34

we go. Yeah. Liam

1:18:36

Neeson's cock is so big. How big

1:18:38

is it? If you die

1:18:40

while climbing it, rescue crews have no choice

1:18:43

but to leave the bodies where they fell. You

1:18:46

just can't bring them down. You pass them when

1:18:48

you climb up. That's right. You just tell them.

1:18:50

You just tell them. Right under the preppus. That's

1:18:54

a clinical term right there. If it is, look it up.

1:18:57

Liam Neeson's cock is so big. How

1:18:59

big is it? It's been declared the host of

1:19:01

the 2032 Summer Olympics. Congratulations.

1:19:06

Tom Cruise will fuck a parachute off of it. That's right.

1:19:08

Out of the urethra. And

1:19:11

lastly, Liam Neeson's cock is so big. How

1:19:14

big is it? It's eating

1:19:16

the dogs, it's eating the cats, it's eating

1:19:18

all the pets. Ladies and

1:19:21

gentlemen of Burbank, have a good time

1:19:23

this evening. Thank

1:19:25

you so much for hanging with us. We appreciate

1:19:28

it. There is no show without

1:19:30

the man next to me. Folks, give

1:19:32

it up for the genius, the merry

1:19:34

genius, Ralph Fucking Garman. Well,

1:19:37

that's it for my bestest battle buddy, Mr.

1:19:40

Kevin Smith. And

1:19:42

that is Hollywood Battle Off for this week. I'm Kevin

1:19:44

Smith. I'm Ralph Garman. Battle the fuck off. Good night,

1:19:46

Burbank. This

1:20:04

has been a Smodcast production. Smodcast

1:20:07

Podcast. Using our mouths on

1:20:09

you since 2007.