Episode Transcript
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0:00
Welcome to a bonus episode of Happy
0:02
Face Presents to Phase. In episode
0:04
nine, we mentioned that Diane Downs wrote a
0:06
letter to her defense attorney Jim Jagger
0:09
after conviction, which changed her version
0:11
of the story and retold the events of the night of
0:13
the shooting quite differently than she presented
0:15
them for months, both in the press and in
0:18
court. The letter does not in fact
0:20
line up with the version of the story she tells today.
0:22
Though it's impossible to know which version of the
0:24
events is true, we present the letter
0:26
as an interesting artifact in the case. November
0:30
seven, Cela Origan,
0:34
Dear Jim, I am not really
0:36
sure how to start this letter, but I guess the best
0:38
way to make an apology is to say I'm
0:40
sorry. Now you're probably
0:42
wondering what this is all about, and when
0:45
you are through reading, you'll probably drop this
0:47
letter and say damn you, Diane,
0:50
like you have so many times before. Your
0:53
blood pressure will go up. And I'm
0:55
sorry about that too. I'm sorry
0:57
about a lot of things. Really, I
1:00
only hope you will forgive me for not being
1:02
totally honest with you. It's
1:05
just that it's so hard for me to put myself
1:07
in someone else's hands. I
1:09
find it hard to fully trust anyone
1:11
not to hurt me. I needed
1:13
to control myself and my situation,
1:17
and I've been that way for a few years. It
1:19
has been a hard lesson to learn, and
1:21
I can't guarantee that I'll be cured forever.
1:24
But I know now that I should
1:26
have placed this whole problem in your
1:28
hands and let you deal with it. But
1:31
I was afraid. Silly, maybe, but
1:33
I was afraid you would lose respect for me.
1:35
And well, let me explain.
1:38
Hopefully by the time you finish reading
1:40
this, you'll have an understanding of me, and
1:43
I'll have your forgiveness. I
1:45
had no right to hire you as my attorney
1:48
and then expect you to represent me without
1:50
telling you everything I could. I
1:53
really am grateful for your representation
1:55
and support these past seventeen months,
1:58
and because of that, I cannot be comfortable
2:00
with myself unless they come clean with
2:02
you again. I am sorry
2:04
for thinking I had to handle things myself.
2:07
I should have let go for once in my life and
2:09
let someone else take over for a while. Please
2:13
understand and forgive this.
2:15
Let I make it lengthy, but please bear
2:17
with me. I have a lot of conscience
2:20
to relieve, perhaps it's
2:22
best to start with the night of the shooting. I wasn't
2:25
totally honest because I was afraid of what else could
2:27
happen to me at the hands of the
2:29
police. I had marijuana
2:31
in my car when I stopped on Old Mohawk,
2:33
and I was afraid if I told the whole truth,
2:36
I would lose my job with the Post Office
2:38
because of the drug charge, and I couldn't
2:40
afford that. So I told
2:42
as much of the truth as I could without
2:44
seeing the things that would make me look like the
2:47
creep. I had also
2:49
hoped that by eliminating certain facts
2:51
that the police would not find out that I had
2:54
rather loose morals. I
2:56
did not want people that I respected to think poorly
2:59
of me, so when I got to
3:01
the hospital, I couldn't tell the police
3:03
I opened the trunk because they would want to know
3:05
what I removed, and it
3:07
was pot. But while
3:09
I had the trunk open, I didn't
3:11
see him remove the black case. Yes,
3:15
the black case with Steve's gunn
3:17
in it. I'm sorry I lied, but I
3:19
couldn't explain the presence of
3:22
the gun without telling you about the
3:24
pot. So while it
3:26
is very possible that an officer can
3:28
make one mistake and an effort to
3:30
trap a criminal. I don't think
3:32
it happened this time, and
3:35
just all seemed so harmless. In the beginning,
3:37
Jim Dickens and I were
3:40
coming back from Heathers and when we
3:42
turned around the south side of Sentiman Road, a
3:44
guy started playing catch up with me. I
3:47
was driving slower than most people do, so
3:49
he passed me. Then he pulled
3:51
in front of me and slowed down, so
3:53
I passed him. It was a game,
3:56
just a flirt. We pulled off Marcala
3:59
on Old Mohawk. Why
4:02
just because the
4:04
kids were asleep. He was a man, and I
4:06
wasn't really tired yet. I like
4:08
man and I love to flirt. Maybe
4:11
some would say it's because she's just a
4:13
tramp. Anyway, I
4:16
pulled over on Old Mohawk and he stopped
4:18
behind me. When I get
4:20
out of the car, I checked the kids and they were
4:22
all asleep. I did take the keys
4:25
off of the ignition and had them hung on my
4:27
finger, and we talked for a couple of minutes,
4:29
and I looked at the kids. They were still
4:31
asleep. He asked if I had
4:33
any smoke, and even though he
4:35
wasn't exactly my kind of guy. I figured it
4:38
would be better to placate him rather
4:40
than offend him, so I
4:42
opened the trunk and removed the bag. I
4:45
had to dig under a couple of things to get
4:47
it, and I did not see him remove anything
4:49
from the trunk. When I straightened
4:52
up and closed the trunk, I saw what he
4:54
had in his hand. I don't recall
4:56
our conversation verbatim, but we
4:58
discussed the reason he had taken the gun
5:01
and that time he had removed it from
5:03
the case. He started acting
5:05
a little strange, and that's when I
5:07
started to get scared. What I rarely do. He
5:10
made sexual advances, and I
5:12
handed him the pot and tried to get his
5:14
mind on another subject. Honestly,
5:17
Jim, all I did was trying to
5:19
discourage his advances, and he flipped.
5:23
He tossed the black case and
5:25
the pot on the hood of his car and grabbed
5:27
my left arm. It made me mad
5:29
and scared at the time, so I pulled my
5:32
arm fright and said no. That
5:34
was when he went to open the door of my car.
5:37
I moved toward him, but looked
5:39
in the little wing window as he shot
5:42
me. Christie, she really was
5:44
asleep Jim, but she woke
5:46
up and raised herself before he shot
5:48
her again. I really don't know who
5:50
he shot next, and I don't see why it matters.
5:53
I don't know if he got in the car or
5:55
not. All I do know is I
5:57
saw my daughter, my Chrissie, leading
6:01
I just stood there, paralyzed. Chris
6:03
and I are empathic, and I couldn't separate
6:05
myself from her pain in terror.
6:08
It was almost as if I was a part of her.
6:11
Now you'll probably sit back and say,
6:14
Yep, Diane's are real crazy.
6:16
But if you do, it's only because you've never
6:18
loved anyone or up
6:20
your life as much as I did with my kids.
6:23
It's hard for me to explain how much I love
6:25
my kids and need them. Love
6:28
seems like such an inadequate word. Perhaps
6:31
if you ever want to talk to me again, I
6:34
can try to explain it. Anyways,
6:36
When he swung back toward me, I was startled.
6:39
The guy hit my right hand and the
6:41
keys did jingle, But he didn't
6:43
ask for the car. He didn't see anything because
6:45
I hit him, and I guess he was too mad for words.
6:48
I'm sorry. I can't say why he didn't say anything.
6:51
This letter is not for speculation, but
6:53
I can say that he looks angry.
6:56
He grabbed my left arm again and I tried
6:59
to break free us. Then I heard the
7:01
gunfire two times. My
7:03
arm felt my side. It may sound strange,
7:05
Jim, but in that moment I didn't
7:08
feel fear or hysteria anymore. I
7:11
was angry, and I guess motivated
7:13
would be a good word for how I felt. He
7:16
was looking at the gun and I pushed him.
7:18
I jumped in and inserted the keys and left.
7:21
I have no idea if he felt or what I
7:23
wasn't looking at him. I remember
7:25
very little of the trip to the hospital.
7:28
I recall trying to help Chrissie and
7:30
hearing Danny cry in telling Sherry
7:32
to wake up. I remember blood
7:35
in odors in a white fence. I
7:37
recall opening the window, but the rest is
7:39
black. I'm sorry I don't recall
7:41
much more, or maybe
7:43
I'm glad I don't recall much more. At
7:46
any rate, my memory is gone. At
7:49
the hospital, I can't say I was
7:51
very reactive. Perhaps I looked
7:53
cool, calm and collected to everyone.
7:56
No me. My kids needed help in a
7:58
way that I could not help, so I got them
8:00
to the doctor. But it's
8:02
hard for me to just turn my life over to someone else
8:05
and like go. So I used all my strength
8:07
to hold together so I would be ready
8:09
when they needed me to help. I didn't
8:11
want to become a basket case that the doctor would
8:13
have to knock out, because I had to be ready and able
8:16
to support my kids emotionally.
8:18
Then, of course there was the police
8:20
force. They needed answers, and I did
8:23
tell them what I could. I couldn't
8:25
tell them about my loose morals, which
8:27
put us in a dangerous situation because I
8:29
didn't want my parents and the hospital staff
8:31
and the police to think I was a tramp. And
8:34
I couldn't tell them about the pot, and
8:36
therefore I couldn't tell them about the gun. But
8:38
I told them where to look and two
8:41
for for I know
8:43
I sound very confused, and to
8:45
be truthful, I was a mess. It
8:48
didn't hit me and that when they found
8:50
him they would find out about the first and
8:52
the pot and the gun. I
8:55
just knew that I could not tell them. As
8:57
time passed, and not very much of it
8:59
at that the police and everyone else found
9:01
out about my attraction to men. But
9:04
but then it was impossible for me to
9:06
go back and retract my half truth. And
9:09
as far as I was concerned and still am
9:11
I, it doesn't really matter why I stopped,
9:14
so I didn't tell them the rest, and everyone
9:16
almost was saying that I was the one who shot
9:18
my kids, and they said it was Steve's
9:21
gun that was used, and therefore that
9:23
proved I was guilty. Well, by
9:25
that time, it wouldn't have mattered, because
9:27
if I wanted to risk my job by telling
9:29
about the pot and explaining what happened,
9:32
because they would have used that gun against me. I
9:34
was afraid, Jim, afraid of what people
9:37
would think of me. Ironic, isn't
9:39
it. I didn't want anyone to know
9:41
I had loose morals, and now they think I'm a murder
9:44
ress and it's all because they wouldn't own
9:46
up to my real faults. Well, then I retained
9:48
you to help my daughter and ended up
9:50
needing you myself. But by the time
9:53
I needed you, I respected you and looked
9:55
up to you. I didn't want you to think of me as
9:57
a liar or weakling. So what
10:00
did I do to cover the lies? Lie
10:03
some more? But I can't
10:05
stand it anymore. You can
10:07
only keep it up for so long before it becomes
10:09
like in your throat. I've gotten
10:11
to the place that I can't even look at myself
10:14
anymore. You proved
10:16
yourself not only a good attorney, but
10:18
a friend, and I can't
10:21
that I never confess the lies.
10:24
Then I have used you, and I can't
10:26
live with that on my conscience forever. So
10:29
here I am asking you to forgive
10:31
me for being a liar and
10:34
a tramp. I am ashamed of myself
10:36
and I don't deserve it, but I truly hope you
10:38
can forgive me and put everything
10:41
else behind. I know
10:43
I've many things, and I've had all
10:45
kinds of explanations for all the
10:48
kinds of things, and I'm sorry. I
10:51
wish I had never admitted part of the truth. I
10:53
wish well
10:56
it's all behind me now. I'm
10:58
sorry it doesn't seem like now, But
11:01
I am sorry, respectfully,
11:04
Diane. Regardless
11:08
of your thoughts on Diane's guilt or innocence,
11:10
the letter paints a picture of a person whose priorities
11:13
that don't align with what one would expect
11:15
from a mother concerned about the well being of her
11:17
children, regardless of her intentions.
11:20
Claiming to pull over to floort with a man who's playing
11:22
passing games with his car in the middle of
11:24
the night with her children in the car is
11:26
even more bizarre than the mainstream version of
11:28
the story. She tells about the evening coming
11:32
up next our final episode, Becky
11:35
speaks to Michelle about her paternal lineage
11:37
and we get her final thoughts on the process.
11:41
Ben Boland is our executive producer,
11:44
Melissa Moore is our co executive producer.
11:46
Maya Cole is our primary producer.
11:49
Paul Decant is our supervising producer,
11:51
Sam T. Garning is our researcher, and
11:54
Matt Riddle is our story editor. Featured
11:56
music by dream Tent Happy Face
11:58
presents to Phase. It's a production of I Heart
12:01
Radio h
12:17
M M
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