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365-day returns. BBC

1:16

Sounds, music radio podcasts.

1:19

This is Drama of the Week. Robert

1:22

Burns, his psychotherapian

1:24

cure by Sarah Sheridan.

1:32

It wasn't the 25th of January, if

1:34

that's what you're thinking. It

1:37

was just another rainy morning in Glasgow

1:39

in spring, so there was blue

1:41

sky and drizzle. I

1:44

got off the train at Central and

1:46

crossed Hope Street straight into Pure Gym

1:48

and 20 minutes of week training. I

1:50

don't shower at the gym. We have

1:53

a shower at the office, which is round the

1:55

corner on St Vincent Street on the fourth floor

1:57

of a building that used to be an assurance

1:59

company. I've never looked

2:01

into the difference between assurance and

2:04

insurance. I keep meaning to. But

2:07

it's assurance that was dealt with over

2:09

all five floors of our lush Victorian

2:11

red sandstone from the 1890s on.

2:15

Today the floors are occupied by different

2:17

businesses. A noodle

2:19

bar at pavement level floors 1

2:21

and 2 house Digital Bungalow, which

2:24

is a tech security outfit. The

2:27

employees of Digital Bungalow are

2:30

averagely 25 years of

2:32

age and wildly arrogant. Occasionally

2:35

at management meetings we

2:37

discuss offering them discounted

2:39

therapy sessions. They

2:41

are, as Ben the practice manager

2:43

once said when he'd drunk too many finely

2:45

grownies in the Botherall Street basement bar we

2:48

sometimes go to after work, real

2:50

little Hitler's. I

2:53

should say, for the purposes of

2:55

libel action, that I'm certain none

2:57

of the employees of Digital Bungalow

2:59

are considering invading Poland. But

3:02

they are extremely exacting about the state

3:04

of the hallway and working as they

3:06

do, mostly with figures

3:08

and in isolation. Do

3:11

not understand the vagaries of language

3:13

and behaviour that go with what

3:15

most people would think of as

3:17

normal life. A

3:20

piteer factor. The

3:22

floor below us is empty.

3:25

Since Covid, so is the

3:27

floor above. So we are

3:29

the highest in the building, with a

3:31

grand view over the slate-clad rooftops down

3:34

to the Clyde and four spacious therapy

3:36

suites adorned with charcoal grey armchairs, giant

3:39

potted ficus plants and a collection

3:41

of truly banal art. The

3:44

practice is called It's Your Mind.

3:47

I'm a cognitive behavioural therapist,

3:50

Kristy Gordon. Dr Gordon

3:52

to you, because, like most women

3:54

in decent jobs, I'm overqualified. I

3:57

work Monday to Friday alongside the rest of

4:00

team. Ben, the practice manager,

4:02

is an art therapist part-time and

4:04

splits his office with Danny, a

4:06

music therapist, also part-time. Then

4:09

there's Jenny, who is person-centred, Brian

4:11

who deals with addiction and Louise

4:14

who specialises in post-traumatic stress. It's

4:17

Your Mind is Busy. Glasgow is

4:19

an axis of trauma. We've all

4:21

read Shuggy Bane. So

4:23

the office opens at 10am and it

4:25

goes like a fair into the evening

4:28

when we have group therapy after hours.

4:31

I run two of the groups, a

4:33

confidence-building project for young women with low

4:35

self-esteem on Thursdays and a

4:37

support group for recovering gender-critical activists

4:40

on Tuesdays, where we spend a

4:42

lot of time talking about what

4:44

pronouns mean and how languages, like

4:46

people, evolve. I'm

4:49

telling you all this because I don't

4:51

want you thinking that we're not effective

4:53

or serious or professional, that

4:56

there's something hokey about It's Your

4:58

Mind. There isn't. I've

5:00

worked there for almost nine years

5:02

and we've helped a lot of

5:05

people. If you want an

5:07

appointment, you'll have to wait at least four

5:09

months. Not that he'd

5:11

ever wait for an appointment. No,

5:14

he walked right in. It was

5:17

Thursday morning at 10am. I'd had

5:19

my post-gym shower and I was

5:21

working through some admin. I

5:24

knew it was less than 50-50 that my

5:26

10am would turn up. Adam's

5:28

been coming, or rather not coming, to

5:31

therapy for a couple of years and

5:33

the only reason I haven't sacked him

5:35

off as a client is that his

5:38

mother is Caroline Charles. She's

5:40

a next client of mine. We

5:42

won't go into how tricky it is to

5:45

provide therapy to someone you hero worship. I

5:48

had all Carol's albums when I was

5:50

growing up and to this day, her

5:52

50-year career makes up a good part

5:54

of my Spotify account. I'm

5:56

not alone. She's an

5:58

icon. now in her

6:01

70s her voice is as

6:03

powerful as ever and still gets folk

6:05

up at the dance floor whether it's

6:07

at Glastonbury or your cousin's wedding. For

6:10

this reason I should definitely

6:12

have recommended she go elsewhere when she

6:14

turned up more than 25 years

6:16

ago just after I'd qualified. But

6:19

she's Carol Charles! And through

6:22

a series of coincidental recommendations

6:25

and at a time when I had a lot less

6:27

experience I did the wrong thing.

6:30

Anyway I was almost

6:32

certain Adam wasn't going to show. He'd

6:35

turned up the week before and he isn't

6:37

a two-in-a-row kind of guy. To tell

6:40

the truth I always feel a

6:42

bit guilty about Adam. It's

6:44

difficult to remain sympathetic.

6:47

After all some of us would

6:49

kill to have our mother still around and

6:52

interested enough to organise

6:54

therapy on our behalf. But

6:57

he's a difficult character. 34 years

7:00

old, handsome, well-dressed

7:03

and maladjusted. He

7:05

looks quite like his famous mum especially

7:08

his eyes and colouring so people cop

7:10

on to the connection straight away and

7:13

he feels used by that. It's

7:16

sad. He's got so much

7:18

going for him and he can't see any of

7:20

it. At five

7:22

past ten I entered him

7:24

into the computerised booking system as a

7:26

no-show and charged his mum's credit

7:29

card for the other. Then I turned my

7:31

attention to the pile of papers in my

7:33

entry. When I looked up Robert

7:36

Burns was sitting in the chair on the other

7:38

side of my desk. Hello

7:41

I said. I didn't hear

7:43

you come in. He

7:45

smiled. I tried again. I think you're

7:47

in the wrong office. Who's your appointment with

7:49

please? He smiled once more. This time he

7:51

also winked. I

7:58

noted that he was well-knowned. wearing

8:00

an old-fashioned tweed great coat, a

8:02

sure sign of a poser. None

8:05

too clean either. I

8:07

began to get shirty. What's

8:09

your name, sir? He

8:11

laughed. It was the same

8:14

kind of laugh that Carol would let

8:16

out if she was asked that question

8:18

or Billy Cornley or Lulu or Charlene

8:20

Spiteri, especially in Glasgow. Your

8:23

name, I repeated. He

8:25

leaned forward. You can

8:28

call me Raby, he said. Broad

8:31

accent, very broad. What's

8:33

your name, sweetest heart? Let

8:36

me guess, eh? Or better,

8:38

I can pick one for you. I'll

8:41

call you Helen, because you're

8:43

the most beautiful lassie I ever

8:45

saw. Helen, my

8:48

Helen of Troy. At

8:51

this point, I think he's probably

8:54

here to see Jenny, who specialises

8:56

in narcissists who are borderline bipolar.

8:59

I draw myself up. You

9:02

can call me Dr Gordon, I say

9:04

coolly. I expect you

9:06

booked in with Dr Culligan in the office

9:08

next door. I tap my

9:10

keyboard to bring up Jenny's appointments. What's

9:13

your surname? This delights him.

9:16

Burns, he provides. His

9:19

eyes sparkle. I look up.

9:22

Maybe he's schizophrenic, I think.

9:26

The coat suddenly makes sense. The

9:29

buttons are worn. It's not well cut enough

9:31

to be a bell staff or anything designer,

9:34

and he's too old to be dressing like

9:36

a student out at the charity shops on

9:38

Byers Road. He's deranged.

9:41

Clearly. I stay

9:43

calm and peruse the booking

9:45

great. Jenny's ten o'clock is

9:47

called Michael Levy. Do

9:50

you go by any other name, Mr

9:53

Burns? I ask deadpan. Sometimes

9:55

you have to bomb up the clients. Folk

9:57

call me all sorts of things, he says.

10:00

I'm very much disgusted. Do

10:04

any of them call you Mr. Levy, I

10:06

ask? I knew

10:08

you were an interesting lassie. I knew it.

10:12

Give me a moment, please. I get up and

10:14

go into reception. Ben should

10:16

be on the desk, but he's nowhere to be

10:18

seen. That partly explains how the

10:20

guy got in. He probably

10:22

buzzed Digital Bungalow and they let him up

10:24

in the lift. I

10:27

knock on Jenny's door. Come,

10:29

she calls. But when I open

10:32

it, her client is in the chair. Ah,

10:36

just checking Mr. Levy arrived,

10:38

I say. Ben's not on

10:40

reception. Jenny puts her head

10:42

to one side. Thanks.

10:45

We're at A-OK here. I'm sure Ben's just

10:47

gone down to get coffee. She

10:50

waits. I know what she's

10:52

waiting for. We have a code. If

10:55

I use the word belly in a sentence,

10:57

then she'll know something is amiss. A

10:59

problem that requires more than one of us. A

11:02

drunk who's wandered in or a patient getting out

11:04

of hand. So at this juncture,

11:06

I could say, I bet Ben's

11:08

had a belly full of coffee already or

11:11

bookings are belly up this morning

11:13

or any of the other phrases

11:15

that we've prepared after an hour-long

11:17

meeting about which safe words fit

11:19

easily into day-to-day conversation but are

11:22

not casually used. The

11:24

meeting specifically considers situations like

11:26

this. Belly, belly, belly,

11:28

I think. But something

11:30

stops me. A twinge

11:32

of realisation that

11:35

isn't a situation like this. There's

11:38

something about it. About

11:41

him. I'm

11:44

a classic only child, used to

11:46

coping with difficulties alone and keeping

11:48

the benefits to myself. Sorry

11:51

to disturb you, I see. And

11:53

turn teal into my office. Well,

11:56

Mr. Burns, how can I help

11:58

you? I ask, sitting... back down on

12:00

my side of the desk. You've

12:03

got that wrong dearest art. I'm

12:05

here to help you, he replies. He

12:10

looks like Robert Burns. From

12:12

what I can remember of the

12:14

pictures I've seen engravings on book

12:16

covers, lithograph copies of his face

12:19

on mugs and t-shirts. Beneath

12:21

the tweed coat he's sporting a

12:23

cream cravat, a white linen shirt

12:26

and a navy waistcoat with tarnished

12:28

brass buttons but it

12:30

isn't on his clothes that strike the

12:32

likeness, it's his hair. That

12:36

90s not long not short

12:38

look, very Liam Gallagher.

12:42

The shape of his jaw, his

12:44

eyes are dark brown, like

12:46

in a painting I vaguely recall.

12:48

How do you propose to help

12:50

me? I pause it because if

12:53

I'm Frank I'm intrigued. I

12:56

can make you immortal, he says

12:58

simply. Immortal, I

13:01

repeat. I wonder if he's

13:03

planning to kill me. I wonder

13:05

how I'm going to explain this in my

13:07

next supervision session. I wonder

13:10

if I should go back into Jenny's office

13:12

and say we're ordering pork belly for lunch

13:14

would you like some? It's

13:16

good you're afraid he says. You

13:18

should be afraid. Look

13:21

what your life is becoming. That

13:25

makes me angry. My

13:27

eyes blaze, I can feel them. It's

13:29

the least professional moment of my career. I

13:32

glance out the window down to the

13:34

Clyde, listen here. I turn

13:37

to face him but

13:39

he's gone. I get

13:42

up and go back into reception. Ben

13:44

is tucking into a custard bow bun from

13:47

the noodle bar. You're all alone,

13:49

he asks with his mouth full. Did

13:51

someone come out here? A guy

13:53

in a tweed court a second ago. Ben

13:56

shakes his head. I thought you

13:58

had Adam Charles at ten. No

14:01

show. Again, I pronounce

14:03

with a shrug and go back into my office.

14:06

I check behind the door and round the side of

14:08

the bookcase then I sink into the

14:10

client's chair and worry that

14:13

I'm having a psychotic episode because

14:15

I have the strangest feeling that

14:18

Robert Burns just appeared in

14:20

my office. I mean for

14:22

real. I cry

14:24

for help from beyond the

14:26

grave. That's silly I tell myself.

14:29

He's just a nerd who's

14:31

wandered in, a deluded self-important

14:33

run-of-the-mill narcissist. Then

14:36

I decide if he ever comes back I'm

14:39

going to try and help him. Robert

14:44

Burns, his psychotherapian cure,

14:47

was written by Sarah Sheridan and

14:50

read by Elaine C Smith. It

14:53

was a BBC Audio Scotland production

14:56

produced by Kirsty Williams and

14:59

you can find all five episodes on

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