### Summary

#### Introduction- Presenter: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes- Topic: Listening without defensiveness- Goals: Understanding causes of defensiveness, enhancing assertiveness, and reducing defensiveness

#### Understanding Defensiveness- **Defensiveness**: Indicates a lack of safety; behavior or feeling when feeling unsafe.- **Causes**:- Prior negative experiences (verbal/physical aggression, invalidation).- Low self-esteem leading to fear of rejection.- Triggering topics related to trauma or powerlessness.

#### Creating Safety1. **Recognize Emotional State**:- Defensiveness arises from feeling unsafe or powerless.- Brain prioritizes fight or flight over processing information.

2. **Criticism vs. Behavior**:- Separate criticism of behavior from criticism of self.- Understand that feedback is about actions, not personal worth.

3. **Constructive Feedback**:- Take useful parts of feedback and leave the rest.- Consider the intention behind feedback; if it's aggressive, set boundaries.

#### Enhancing Communication1. **Realistic Expectations**:- Not everyone will like you or your actions.- Nurture multiple sources of support.

2. **Set and Maintain Boundaries**:- Physical, emotional, and cognitive boundaries.- Communicate discomfort and establish respectful interactions.

3. **Self-Esteem**:- Confidence reduces defensiveness.- Respect differing opinions without feeling threatened.

#### Strategies to Reduce Defensiveness1. **Empathy and Curiosity**:- Understand differing perspectives.- Explore underlying reasons behind others' views.

2. **Manage Reactions**:- Reflect and ground yourself when feeling defensive.- Validate others' experiences without agreeing.

3. **Objective Language**:- Use "I" statements to express feelings without blame.- Avoid vague or accusatory language.

#### Practical Steps1. **Ground Rules**:- Establish clear boundaries for interactions.- Ensure safe environments for discussions.

2. **Avoid Mind Reading**:- Don't assume intentions behind others' words.- Focus on one issue at a time during conflicts.

3. **Rehearse and Prepare**:- Practice conversations to build confidence.- Identify triggers and prepare responses.

4. **Apologize When Necessary**:- Acknowledge mistakes to build trust and reduce defensiveness.

5. **Collaborative Solutions**:- Work towards win-win outcomes.- Respectfully disagree and find common ground.

### Time Codes for Major Points

00:00 Introduction and goals of the video02:00 Understanding defensiveness and its causes05:45 Creating safety in communication08:30 Criticism vs. behavior and constructive feedback12:15 Realistic expectations and nurturing support15:00 Setting and maintaining boundaries20:00 Enhancing self-esteem and respecting opinions25:00 Empathy, curiosity, and managing reactions30:00 Using objective language and practical steps35:00 Rehearsal and preparation for difficult conversations38:00 Apologizing and collaborative solutions

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