4:00

those street dogs that you can get when

4:02

you're like coming out of a bar or

4:04

a club and they're out there with the

4:06

yeah Eduardo's nodding he gets it. What's the

4:08

street dog? I don't know what that is.

4:11

They're they're out there they have onions and

4:13

they're out there. This is uh this

4:15

is nice. Now I'm gonna get a

4:17

little sentimental here. Oh. But

4:20

what year were we in your backyard Gorley? Was

4:22

that last year or two years ago? Two years

4:24

ago right? Yeah. Yeah. And that was nice and

4:26

now we're in Sona's backyard which makes me think

4:29

we'll be in my backyard someday. Will you let

4:31

us go there? Well I'll have to clear it

4:33

with security in the area. We're

4:35

gonna have to zoom in. Whatever. I'll take care

4:37

of it. This is so hard. Yes I'll have

4:39

to make calls because I have some you know

4:42

some pretty big deal names live in my neighborhood

4:44

and so they can't you know if you guys

4:46

just drove in without clearance that'd be a whole

4:48

disaster you know what I mean? What did what

4:50

it would it? Yeah I gotta make sure that

4:52

Joseph Gordon Levitt's cool with you guys being in

4:54

the neighborhood you know. Chad Michael

4:56

Murray. Chad Michael Murray. Salas

4:58

Pazito. I guess gotta make sure that everybody knows

5:01

that you're coming. He's more of a sound technician

5:03

but very well known. Do you need these? What

5:05

you got? Ketchup and the mustard? Just a little

5:07

mustard please. Oh you want me to put it

5:09

on there? Ah fuck. Jesus.

5:12

You guys it's like you guys have

5:14

never handled food before. Sona what's your

5:16

problem? This is hard to do it

5:18

this way. You're such a train wreck

5:21

with everything. Oh my

5:23

god. No no just in life I didn't mean

5:25

it that personally. I

5:27

mean just every time you try to do anything it's just a

5:29

big mess and it's awful. Oh

5:31

my god. Right there that's good. Thank you. Thanks

5:33

Gertz. You want some ketchup? No

5:36

no you don't do ketchup on a hot

5:38

dog that's for sure not on my watch.

5:40

What? No no ketchup on a hot dog.

5:42

What? That's crazy that goes against the German

5:45

tradition. Why are you guys nodding? That's not

5:47

right. It is right. That's not normal. Hot

5:49

dogs aren't German you're thinking like bratwurst. Hot

5:51

dogs are American. You put ketchup on hot

5:54

dogs in America you call me. USA USA

5:56

USA. I don't think we're

5:59

in the USA right now. I

6:02

think we left the American, you know, the borders

6:04

of the United States about four hours ago. I

6:06

do love it here and I'm gonna learn, I'm

6:08

gonna make it my mission to learn more about

6:10

this place they call Altadena, this magical land. It's

6:12

lovely out here, by the way. What are you

6:14

gonna learn about, like the history and stuff? Yeah,

6:16

just like when, when are you gonna get a

6:18

postal service, that kind of stuff. I'm just curious,

6:20

at some point it's the government has to provide

6:22

postal service here. It's what you

6:24

pay taxes for. Do you pay taxes? How does

6:27

it work here? Do I pay taxes? Yeah. Okay,

6:29

alright, I just didn't know it's so, I mean,

6:31

we're really out here. But you

6:34

should look into it because you have a right, you have

6:36

a right as a citizen to have a postal

6:38

truck. Why are you laughing?

6:40

Maybe I'm close and you're far. Maybe you're far. Oh,

6:42

for God's sake, no. Maybe you're far. No, no, I

6:45

can roll on it. I'm close. No,

6:47

no, no, I can lean out my window and eat some of the

6:49

best sushi in town. You

6:52

just admitted pretty much that the

6:54

only grocery store in Altadena closed

6:56

three years ago. And you

6:58

guys have to get, you have to portage a

7:00

canoe to go and get basic

7:02

goods. I did forget, I just told you that.

7:05

I actually did tell you that. What's the name

7:07

of the, is it Baja? What? Baja Ranch Market,

7:09

which was the closest market to us closed. Well,

7:11

really the only market. You can drive far and

7:14

go to another market. Yes, many

7:16

people can say that. You

7:18

can be anywhere on the continent and

7:20

say you can drive far and there will be

7:22

a market. So your,

7:25

your defense of Altadena is crumbling

7:27

left and right. What

7:29

I'm trying to do is I am your advocate. I am

7:31

telling you that you have the right to postal

7:33

service. You should have a working

7:35

phone. You should have irrigation. Those are things

7:38

that you should have. You're

7:40

entitled to them. You don't think we have irrigation up

7:42

here? Well, what's that thing going on down the road?

7:44

When we were driving up the road to get here,

7:47

we passed over something that looked like an abandoned

7:50

gully. What's that? What's going on there? I don't

7:52

know. I think that's just a reservoir. No,

7:55

it's not a reservoir because reservoirs have water

7:57

in them. This looks

7:59

like. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? On the

8:01

way up here, are you talking about the Royal? I've seen

8:03

a lot of nodding on the way up here. David,

8:06

David, would you get to a microphone please? Do you

8:08

remember when I commented on it as we passed in

8:11

that tiny car that you call a car? That

8:13

I risked my life in riding with you sick. Okay,

8:17

David, what did we see on the way up here?

8:19

Just before we got to Sona's house? Yeah. What

8:21

was it? Describe it. I don't know what it was. It

8:23

was like a big, remember in, if you

8:26

watch Parks and Rec, whenever they like fall down into that

8:28

thing, it was like that. It looks

8:30

like you're gonna be walking and you're just gonna like

8:32

fall into this. You're just

8:34

gonna go down, down, down. I love your generation.

8:36

If you need to describe something, you

8:38

name a random TV show. And so you

8:40

remember that thing in that TV show? It's

8:43

like that thing. Yeah. This

8:45

is the guy that was talking about Jack Lord's hair from Hawaii Five-O.

8:47

Well, using specifics. I

8:49

want it to look like Jack Lord. Specifics,

8:52

I didn't say, you know that thing that was in that

8:54

show with the thing. Why do you act like

8:56

you had it, like you had a

8:58

choice about what your hair looked like? I don't think I cooked

9:00

this hot dog enough. This

9:04

center just doesn't taste right. Are there more hot

9:06

dogs? And you know, it's important. We're not doing

9:08

ads for the hot dogs, right? This is just

9:10

a great ambiance. I don't like these hot dogs.

9:12

This one's kinda weak, Ad. These are LL

9:14

Bean hot dogs. Yeah, who got the hot dogs? No,

9:17

who got the hot dogs? Did

9:20

you get these from the closed Baja

9:22

Fresh supermarket? Because

9:25

you know what? When they close the supermarket, sometimes they

9:27

don't throw out all the food. And

9:29

I have a suspicion that Sholemi broke

9:32

into a window and went into

9:34

the long unrefrigerated, refrigerated section and

9:36

took hot dogs from the Eisenhower

9:38

administration. That one

9:40

looks less. Is that what

9:43

they always look like? No, this looks different. What happened?

9:45

Did you change the wieners on us? The

9:48

first three were microwaved a little bit just to

9:50

get a precook going. Where

9:52

were they microwaved? I don't have a microwave.

9:55

Oh, Ral cooked them in the kitchen. He did

9:57

something. I don't have a microwave. He cooked them

9:59

in the kitchen. I love they said we microwave

10:01

them in Sona's kitchen and Sona just said, I don't

10:03

have a microwave. That

10:05

means that Rao put them in a shoebox, waited

10:09

30 seconds and then took them out of the shoebox.

10:11

But these are not, these are just straight from the

10:13

package. I would just cook them more. No,

10:16

I can't eat another one. Are these like really

10:19

good grade A hot dogs or are these just? This

10:21

is the real deal. This is like a ballpark. I think you need

10:23

another wood. These are the

10:25

real deal. You just wanna cook.

10:27

It's a real deal hot dogs. You just wanna make sure it's

10:30

cooked all the way through. Really? Why? Could

10:32

I get sick? No, you're fine. I mean, they're cooked. Hot

10:34

dogs are cooked already. Yeah, that's what I thought. He's sicker.

10:36

This doesn't taste right on the inside. This just makes me

10:38

warm. But you're still

10:40

eating them. There's a piece of jewelry in this. I

10:45

love that you're complaining about it, but you're still eating

10:47

it. Hey, that's the fun of a hot dog. I grew up in

10:49

the depression, meaning my mom was

10:52

depressed. And. Everyone's

10:55

laughing at that. That's

10:57

terrible. It was

10:59

bad at the time, but it's funny now. You

11:02

need more on that, don't you? I don't

11:04

know. You did it so quickly. I was

11:06

roasting for a while. I like it the way

11:08

I like it. You like a raw weir. I think we

11:10

have to go back to what did Ralph think he was

11:13

doing when he put the

11:15

hot dog in a box in your house and waited.

11:17

How do you reheat things in your house? We

11:19

put them in the toaster oven. Oh, so that's what he did.

11:21

But you gotta put them in there for a while. He was

11:23

in there for a while. It's not like you zap it for

11:25

like a minute. He was in there for a while. Why don't

11:27

you guys have a microwave? The ones I

11:29

just gave you right here are not reheated. We

11:32

don't do microwaves. Microwaves are not

11:34

good. Wait, no, do you think microwaves

11:37

are unhealthy? I think they don't

11:39

taste good when you reheat stuff with microwaves.

11:41

They get mushy. What's worse than

11:43

a mushy pizza for that you reheat in

11:46

a microwave? You can't put a pizza in the microwave,

11:48

that's true. But there are many things you can put in

11:50

a microwave. You could also just reheat it

11:52

normally. And it takes like a minute longer.

11:55

Okay. I guess

11:57

you win this argument. I do, because you

11:59

had no response. Yeah, one point persona.

12:01

I won that one. Yeah, take that one

12:03

point and put it in that big empty

12:05

jar of points. Big

12:08

empty jar of points? Yeah. So the jar has

12:10

a lot of points in it? No. Because you

12:12

said it has a jar of points. Yeah. How

12:14

is it empty if it's got a whole jar

12:16

of points? Win that one again, put another one

12:18

in my jar. Clang! Echo, echo,

12:20

echo, echo, echo, echo. Echo thunk. And then it's

12:22

like- That's three points you got in there. All

12:24

the noise. I'm leaving. There's no more noise because

12:27

it just goes thunk and it hits all the

12:29

other points that I have. You know what I

12:31

have? Because all I do is win, win, win,

12:33

no matter what. I have aqueducts that I have

12:35

points that are just in aqueducts. And

12:38

there's runoffs and channels and

12:40

it's points are just flowing everywhere. There's so

12:42

many points. Your points never count because you

12:44

give yourself points. And those aren't real points,

12:47

but the world gives me points. Society

12:49

gives me points. No, society's giving you- Everybody here

12:51

gave me those points. They didn't give you any

12:53

points. I didn't see any point transaction. I

12:56

have just waterfalls. There's

12:58

an electric plant that's completely

13:01

powered. Turbines are turning because my

13:03

points are shooting through it all the time.

13:05

All of Altadena is built with my points.

13:07

This entire city didn't exist before I moved-

13:09

Well, talk about building a castle upon sand.

13:11

I mean, this is biblical. If

13:15

Altadena is built on your points, everyone should

13:17

flee this jurisdiction immediately. No, everyone is living

13:19

comfortably. That's a terrible place to live. My

13:21

neighbors are here. They live comfortably. I live

13:23

comfortably. You won't get home insurance the

13:25

minute they find out your house is built on your points.

13:27

I have so many points. You've got no points. You're so

13:30

jealous. I win all the time.

13:32

Sometimes I'm just like, I'm so tired of

13:34

winning all the time. You can see my points

13:36

from space. If you're in an orbiter, you

13:38

can see my points from space. And they're often

13:40

mistaken for the city of Las Vegas because

13:43

they're so bright and so shiny and so mass. You

13:45

know what? I just talked to an astronaut and they're

13:48

like, those aren't real points, but Sona's points are real

13:50

points. My points are real points. Your points are fake

13:52

points. You give yourself. It's like when you say something

13:54

that you think it's a joke and you're like, that

13:57

was real funny. Cause no one laughed. And then you're

13:59

like, that was real funny. When I say something's really

14:01

funny, I'm a professional. That means that's like 11 points

14:03

right there. I think you're just sad because nobody's laughing

14:05

and you're like, I'm just gonna make myself feel better.

14:08

I've never said something and not heard laughter and I

14:10

don't know what that would sound like. You

14:12

know what I mean? If I ever say something

14:14

and there's no laughter, I would probably kill myself

14:16

immediately. That's how used to laughter I am. I'm

14:18

so used to laughter that the absence

14:21

of it would probably cause my heart to liquefy

14:23

and then explode. I have not laughed so many

14:25

times. I

14:27

not laugh, when I not laugh, when

14:30

I not laugh. Listen,

14:32

Hulk, it's Hulk, I like you Hulk.

14:34

You're good, Hulk good. But Hulk wrong

14:37

about points. Conan right about points, Hulk

14:39

wrong. I think. That's a nice

14:41

sweater you're wearing. I'm gonna change the subject just

14:43

for a second. Points, points, points. Did you know?

14:45

Points, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

14:47

no, no, no. There was so many points. But

14:49

that's very nice. Gorley left a long time ago.

14:52

Nobody even noticed because we were having this stupid

14:54

argument. Well, Gorley took a break. Okay, wait, my

14:56

sweater? You're complimenting me. Yeah, I was saying it

14:58

looks nice. We're outside, it's getting a little chilly.

15:00

It would be chillier, except we're being warmed by

15:02

this solo stove, which is very nice. Solo stove.

15:04

And also these lights, they have these bank lights

15:06

here because we're also being filmed. It looks a

15:09

little like when there's a crime scene

15:11

and they're investigating it at night. You know the

15:13

way they put those big lights up? I know.

15:15

So that the guys can sort of do the

15:17

forensics during the nighttime. Do you have a little

15:19

stroll there? Yeah, I went home and took a

15:21

nap and dreamt I was happy. Oh, and had

15:23

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the place to be dot,

19:19

dot, dot, to be. This

19:32

is an exciting evening. We're here in

19:34

Altadena. Sona's

19:36

neighbors from down the street. Yeah. They're

19:38

not your next door neighbors. No, they're

19:40

two houses down. And they came by. And these are

19:42

the ones that you told me heard you talking? Yes. They've

19:45

heard us before, especially when the boys are

19:48

crying and stuff. They can hear. Because we're

19:50

allowed. We're allowed people. And

19:52

sometimes our neighbors can hear us. And

19:54

sometimes when I'm outside, I hear my

19:56

family members, like when I'm down the

19:59

street, talking. Who's the loudest person in your

20:01

family? I would say my mom,

20:03

between me and my mom, my mom. If

20:06

you two would say it, I'm sure it doesn't happen often, but

20:08

let's say you two were to have an argument. It happens all

20:10

the time. I know, I was being funny. When

20:13

you two argue, how loud does it get? It gets

20:15

loud. I mean, imagine how I normally talk and

20:17

imagine it amplified and having- I can't imagine

20:19

it getting louder than what I've heard.

20:21

But it probably does. Oh yeah,

20:24

it does. I can amplify. So

20:26

it gets loud. You can get loud

20:28

probably. Not really, kind of a quiet

20:30

mouse. Quiet

20:33

mouse. Oh my God. Everyone's

20:35

laughing. You're not a

20:38

quiet person. He's just a guy that keeps to himself. Neighbors

20:40

are always gonna say he never, he kept to himself, he

20:43

was a good neighbor. We never knew he was gonna snap.

20:45

Oh. He's

20:49

kept his yard real neat. You

20:53

know, didn't come to any of the social things in

20:55

the neighborhood, but you know, he's a fine neighbor. So

20:57

that's me. That's the kind of guy

20:59

I'd be. When you first moved into your place, how

21:02

did you wanna make sure everybody knew they were living

21:04

next door to you? Yeah. First

21:07

of all, I complained because I was not on the

21:09

map of the Starzomes. I'm the

21:11

only celebrity to ever do that. You

21:14

called them and you were like, guys. I went there.

21:16

Oh no. Because I have a stand on Sunset Boulevard.

21:19

And I said, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen,

21:23

I think there's a mistake here. And I showed them where

21:25

I lived. And I said, Conan sign outside

21:27

your house like a car dealership. And one of them I

21:29

said, I said, and

21:31

I told them, I said, you have the other celebrities

21:33

that live in my neighborhood, but I'm not represented. And

21:35

I told them exactly where I lived and then I

21:37

expected to see the bus at least five times a

21:39

day. Yeah. Did you wait outside?

21:41

Well, they first of all kept saying, and what is it you

21:43

do and stuff like that. And they

21:46

said, are you still on TV? And I said, that's not

21:48

the point. I

21:50

said, that is irrelevant point young man. You're

21:53

not to speak back to me. And

21:55

they were wondering why I was wearing a tuxedo. And

21:58

yeah, I was upset. I

22:00

should be part of the tour. Oh, I'm

22:02

sorry. I'm sorry too. Yeah, you

22:04

know other stars are on the tour what? What's

22:08

that sounds like a horse that's a horse

22:10

that's a horse a horse just wife We

22:12

have horses that wait who's riding a horse

22:14

the good horse people. Okay, God,

22:17

you're good Does that wait does

22:19

that mean a person on a

22:21

horse or people that are horse people

22:23

like there's like a minute or a

22:25

minute Or minute to centaur the yeah,

22:28

wait you have centaurs. No Do

22:31

people regularly ride horses up and down regularly? They

22:33

write there's an equestrian centered like not that far

22:35

Okay, that makes me ride horses just chill this

22:37

down up and down the street That makes sense

22:39

couple times there is the horse poop in front

22:41

of my house No, if you get horses, you're

22:44

gonna occasionally get horse poop. Yeah, and in hand,

22:46

but why isn't it like dogs? Why do we

22:48

have to clean up dog poop? You don't have

22:50

to clean up horse poop Funny kind of thing

22:52

for some reason horse manure is less offensive. I

22:54

don't know why that's true People just feel like

22:56

yep, that's just some horse manure. Whatever big deal.

22:59

It's poop. It's on the street Pick

23:01

it up shovel it. No, you can't put it

23:03

up bag you can mean have you seen them?

23:06

They're huge You'd have to have a truck driving

23:08

behind you. No, it's just not it's not feasible

23:10

All right work on getting a mail system first

23:12

and then we'll get the poop off the streets.

23:14

Okay fair good deal No, I'm not

23:17

gonna agree with you. Thank you for the high five.

23:19

I did not high five you For

23:21

the record, there was no high five don't do that

23:25

That's not how my hand would sound if

23:27

I high five anyway sound different so no

23:29

looks like we had a pretty good time

23:31

Hap I'm leaving again. No, no Just

23:34

so we can put out a clip of Conan high-fiving him

23:36

something I don't know how much it's gonna cost but I'll

23:38

pay for it and what I mean I'll pay for it.

23:40

I'll get it out of the company somehow, but

23:43

it's not gonna touch my part Do

23:46

some sort of cheap animation where it looks like sona

23:48

and I high-fived over this and I don't care how

23:50

cheap it is Just make it look in

23:52

a very crude way like so the high five. Can I ask for?

23:55

That her hand in the air right now I

24:00

would like a gift of Conan hifiving himself. I

24:05

want a gift of this. Conan hifiving

24:07

himself like a dork. Nope. Like an

24:09

absolute dork. No. Just hifiving yourself. No,

24:11

I run this show. No,

24:14

look, my phone. No

24:16

one likes you. Everyone loves me. Loved

24:18

everywhere. Everyone likes to make you look foolish. Don't

24:20

be foolish. Remember that from the 70s? You

24:23

weren't allowed yet. Not at all. Not

24:25

at all. During the energy crisis. Everyone wants to

24:27

stop bringing me into this lead deal. Don't be

24:29

foolish. I remember don't be fuelish. Leave me alone.

24:31

Both of you. What does that even mean? During

24:33

the energy crisis, they didn't want people to waste

24:35

gasoline. So I remembered there was a thing that

24:37

said don't be fuel F. They

24:39

spelled out fuel. F-U-E-L. F-U-E-L-ish.

24:42

And they said don't be

24:44

fuel-ish. And for some reason that

24:46

just popped out of my head too. I don't

24:48

know why. I think I'm having a major occlusion

24:50

in the mind. It's the altitude. It

24:52

is the altitude. We're up here. Do you notice

24:54

our breath? You can see our breath. Yeah, but

24:56

why? I thought that was the fire. No, it's

24:59

the temperature. No, it's not that

25:01

cool. You know what? I can see my breath.

25:03

I think it may be the vapor in the air. Oh,

25:05

the vapor? Or also, Sona had garlic. You

25:10

know, it's really funny when I was in your kitchen.

25:12

Oh man, this killed me. And you heard

25:14

my voice and you said you want garlic and I

25:16

said, do you have any like you wouldn't have garlic?

25:18

Yeah, that was really funny. We had a good laugh.

25:20

What's high five? Nobody had a good time. Thanks, Sona.

25:22

Take it. And do that too. No, no, no. Yeah.

25:25

Clip it out. Clip it out. Three times we've done

25:27

it. And do it again.

25:29

Nope, nope. Okay. Loop it. Well, with

25:32

cool terminology like that, there's no way they

25:34

won't listen to you. Man, I have seriously

25:36

been questioning how my life has brought me

25:39

to this point. I know. I'm so sorry,

25:41

girls. I think it's because he's in my

25:43

space and it's making me very... There's a

25:45

different energy here. Yeah. You're feeling invaded. Yeah.

25:47

You're shitting on Altedina. Hey, no, I'm not

25:50

at all. I'm just mocking it. You know,

25:52

in a shitty way, it's a very different

25:54

thing. Hey, I have a question. How

25:57

weird would it be if, let's

25:59

say we weren't doing... this tonight,

26:01

okay? This was never happening. And

26:03

you were getting ready for bed

26:05

and kids are asleep, tacks turned

26:07

in, okay? And

26:09

you look out the window and you

26:11

see something and you look closer and I'm in

26:14

your yard right where I am sitting in this

26:16

chair. Oh no. In the dark for no reason.

26:18

Wait, no. How freaked out would you be? Why

26:20

is that? It's like Slenderman, right? Why do you

26:22

think about those things? It's like Michael Myers. Michael

26:25

Myers, yeah. And I'm just sitting here like this.

26:27

That's harrowing. Well, why are you sitting there? That's

26:30

the weird thing is I don't know. I'm just

26:32

sitting here and you're like, and

26:34

so you freak out, you wake up tack.

26:36

He's like, oh, I don't

26:38

know English, English tack. And

26:41

he's like, you know, what,

26:45

what, what? And he rushes to the window and there's no

26:47

chair and I'm not here. You're gone, yeah. Or

26:49

what? Then he goes back to sleep. You

26:52

check one more time. No, that's

26:54

really creepy. And I'm here smiling just like this.

26:56

That's so scary. Isn't that scary? That's

26:58

really scary. What if we thought you, we

27:00

didn't know it was you and then he

27:02

took his sword and he stabbed you with

27:04

it? What's sword? Tack has a sword. You

27:06

know, who else brought a sword today? Blade

27:08

brought a gigantic sword that he got from

27:11

the Renaissance fair. Can we please talk about

27:13

that for a second? He went to the

27:15

Renaissance fair and he bought a sword. Yeah,

27:17

he was afraid he one day may have

27:19

sex. So he quickly went

27:21

to the Renaissance fair. What? To

27:23

make sure that his celibacy would be insured for all time.

27:27

Why did you bring a sword? Tack

27:29

is the only other person I know who loves swords as much as I

27:31

do. And so I bought this

27:33

cool sword. So I wanted to show Tack my cool

27:35

sword. No one else likes swords. No, wait, it's not

27:37

the way to, first of all, it's just not much

27:39

use for them in the modern world. That's all. I

27:42

think once you have a sword, you find a lot

27:44

of uses for it. It's kind of

27:46

like when you have a tool, you're like, oh

27:48

yeah, I could tighten this up. I could tighten

27:50

this up, you know, slice things. Yeah, instead of

27:52

using the normal knife, you could use the sword.

27:54

So what kind of sword does Tack have? Tack

27:57

has like a, it's a more Japanese style sword.

28:00

I don't know if it's a katana. I don't

28:02

know what they're called. I don't know what it's

28:04

called. He's inside and I could ask him, but

28:06

I don't know. I don't know,

28:08

guys. I don't know what kind of sword it is. It's

28:10

okay, let it go. But it's not like Blaes sword. Blaes

28:12

sword is like- Tats right here, do you want

28:14

me to get Tats? No, so yours is

28:16

a medieval, that's a King Arthur sword. Jesus

28:18

Christ, and it's sharp. And

28:21

you brought that just to show. No,

28:24

it's okay, I can see it. It's good. Why

28:30

didn't we roast a weenie with that? You

28:33

know what I mean? Do you mind asking how much you

28:35

paid for that? How much did you pay for it? How

28:38

much did you pay for it? It was a deal. How much did you pay for

28:40

it? I paid $380 for it. You're

28:42

fired. Because

28:45

you waste your money on shit. Good

28:50

luck at the pawn shop. I'm sorry, Blaes, I just

28:52

need to deflect. He didn't mean to- You were there

28:54

with a sword. He didn't mean to shame you. But what

28:56

if we stabbed you because

28:59

we thought you were an intruder? That's what I'm

29:01

talking about. Now, this is just one of those

29:03

things where I sometimes wonder, just picture you looking out

29:05

the window. No one's here, there's no reason for me

29:07

to be here. And I'm just sitting in this chair

29:10

and I have just a slight enigmatic

29:12

smile. I don't like that. Are

29:14

you lit up like this? Well, I have

29:16

my natural pale skin that shines like a moon. I

29:19

don't even know why you think of these

29:21

things. I

29:26

think of these things all the time. Wouldn't

29:28

that be weird? Things like that are much

29:30

scarier than me than someone jumping out hacking

29:32

at you. Just a Conan in your backyard

29:34

sitting in a chair smiling in the night

29:36

when you don't think you're gonna see him.

29:38

What's more terrifying than that? Honestly, it's

29:40

not anything I can think of that it's more

29:42

terrifying than you just sitting in my yard. I

29:45

really do think that is really terrifying. But I

29:47

get what you mean when you think

29:49

about weird things. There was the

29:52

solo stove lighter fluid and it said, do

29:55

not drink highly flammable. And I was like,

29:57

what if I just drank it? Well,

30:00

that's... Sing it

30:03

out loud. That's a death wish. I

30:05

know. I hear it. I hear it. It's

30:07

not the same as what you were thinking at all. It's not what at all what

30:09

I was saying. It's terrible.

30:11

Don't do that. Don't drink that.

30:13

You're the mother of two beautiful boys.

30:15

Yeah. You've got your whole life

30:18

ahead of you. Don't do that. But what if it's

30:20

also like, you know when you're on a rooftop bar

30:22

or something and you're like, I'm just gonna jump off?

30:24

She's so nuts. No, no. Am I the

30:26

only one who thinks he thinks... The worst I ever do is

30:28

if I'm watching a play, I go, there's

30:30

nothing stopping me from walking up on that stage and

30:33

giving them all wedgies right now. Well,

30:35

I think your physical strength would stop you. What

30:38

do you mean? I think they would... I don't care who was

30:40

in that play. This was children's theater. If it was a play

30:42

of old women, they would beat the shit out of you. You

30:46

know when we do live shows, sometimes

30:49

I'm like, I'm gonna say something really

30:51

bad. And my life is gonna

30:53

be... You usually do when people laugh. You mean like

30:55

mistakenly or you kind of want to do it purposefully.

30:57

Like, I don't know something... I don't know, racist or

30:59

something. What? I know. I think

31:01

about this all the time. You're not a racist person.

31:04

I'm not, but I'm just saying like, there's so much

31:06

at stake. What if I say something that's so bad

31:08

my life is over. Yeah, but no one takes you

31:10

seriously. No one... No one... No,

31:13

no. And people just think like, oh, that goofy sono. You

31:15

know what I mean? You think they won't take

31:17

me seriously? Yeah, I don't... I think you're safe. You're kind

31:19

of fine. Try some right now. Because I'm not a serious

31:21

person. No, I don't want to. That's

31:23

the point. I'm like... You have a good

31:26

heart. No one thinks it comes... But I'm just saying

31:28

things that I shouldn't be thinking about, I think about

31:30

a lot sometimes. And it's... I really... I thought everybody

31:32

would be like, oh yeah, I think about jumping off

31:34

a roof sometimes when I'm at a restaurant. But

31:37

the fact that no one else thinks that really makes

31:39

me uncomfortable right now. And

31:41

I'm feeling a little awkward and

31:43

vulnerable. I'm feeling very vulnerable. Child

31:46

services is on the way. Yeah. It

31:48

makes me worse than a balcony. We just admitted... We just

31:50

admitted your children are sleeping upstairs and you admitted you want

31:52

to drink lighter fluid and then you want to jump

31:54

off a roof. Oh my God. I

31:56

think you're going to spend a couple of days. They're just going to be in a...

31:59

A way. from your kids, that's all. I really thought

32:01

you guys would help me out with that. I don't

32:03

know what to say. I'm sitting with a guy who

32:05

wants to sit in a backyard all night to scare

32:07

someone. Just like this. A woman who wants to jump

32:09

off a building and a guy who spent $380 on

32:11

a sword. And

32:14

I don't feel like a normal person, but

32:16

you guys make me feel so sane. You're

32:18

very sane. You're not sane. Yeah, he is.

32:21

No, he's not. You're not a sane person.

32:23

He's a little eccentric, but he's sane. But

32:25

compared to you people, I'm just John Doe

32:27

guy next door. You people? Sona. He's racist

32:30

now. What was that? That's

32:33

it. That's it. Oh

32:37

my God. So what are they killing? Who

32:39

knows? It could be anything. Are

32:42

those coyotes? What are those? Coyotes. That's a pack

32:44

of coyotes. That's coyotes attacking an old game show

32:46

host. They're tearing apart Wink Martindale right now. What

32:48

do you think they're getting? A cat. It could

32:50

be a cat. It could be a cat. It

32:53

could be a raccoon. Don't

32:56

list all animals in the world. Jesus,

32:58

you're like the coat jacket

33:00

Noah's Ark. A horse?

33:02

A horse? No, it wouldn't be a horse. Whoa.

33:06

Oh my God. That is so chilling. Did

33:08

you hear that, ladies and gentlemen? That was

33:10

crazy. I hope our mics picked that up.

33:12

That was fantastic. Do

33:15

we have ambient mics that we picked that up?

33:17

Yeah. We have ambient mics? It probably picked it

33:19

up. I would imagine that was pretty loud. It

33:21

was pretty loud. That was pretty, that's crazy. And

33:23

you hear that all the time? All the time.

33:25

Where's Tak? Is he around when this is happening? Have you

33:27

ever seen him? Have you ever found out that Tak was

33:29

doing it? That's what I mean. Oh, Tak's the guy? What

33:32

if Tak's a werewolf? What if when he says he's- A

33:34

wampier? What if he says when

33:36

he says he's going to karate, he's really just going

33:38

to kill creatures? I think that's an exotic excuse for

33:40

I'm going to go out. You just say like I

33:42

got to go to work and check on a few

33:44

things. No one says I'm going

33:47

to karate and then there's something weird because

33:49

karate in and of itself is kind of

33:51

out there. Well, I'm going to

33:53

go chop at the air while wearing pajamas. Really?

33:56

I'm up to something kind of kooky. Do you

33:59

know what I mean? It makes no sense. That martial

34:01

art is hundreds of years old

34:03

and you just tore it down

34:05

to chopping the air while wearing

34:07

pajamas. Well anyway, I'm sorry. I hope-

34:09

My apologies to an entire way of life.

34:11

Yes. Listen, I think it's

34:13

time. What better way, my

34:16

God, you can't hear this at home because

34:18

these are directional mics. These mics have been

34:20

set up by Eduardo. He had no idea that

34:22

something that traumatic was gonna happen. But the sound

34:24

was absolutely thrilling. It's like a, this

34:27

is like a real nature special. It's

34:29

nighttime, we're here in Altadena and what sounded

34:31

like maybe 15 or 20 coyotes just

34:35

surrounded some animal, started shrieking

34:39

and tore in its under. Incredible. And then

34:41

it just gets quiet. And listen, not quiet

34:43

it gets. Little moment of silence for that

34:46

gone animal. Now

34:51

they're fighting over- The carcass. No,

34:54

also like the bill. Oh.

34:57

I only had one paw. Why

35:01

do I have to pay as much? He

35:05

had two paws in the tail. I'll get the

35:07

tail. He had two paws in the tail and

35:09

I had one paw. I didn't

35:11

drink any of the blood. He

35:13

drank all the blood. Now they're fighting about that.

35:15

Just going at it. Man,

35:18

incredible riffs. That might be a new one.

35:22

This is a new one. No,

35:24

now they're fighting about the tax. I

35:27

can't believe there's a food tax. We're in Altadena. You

35:29

know, we don't even have mail service. Well,

35:31

anyway, let's wrap it up. It's been

35:34

another good episode of Goo Goo Golly and

35:36

the gum gum tree. I

35:40

think it's called Chill Chums for reasons I don't even

35:42

remember anymore. It's called fan

35:44

service. That's what Adam tells me. Adam

35:46

Sacks says, this is fan service. This is

35:48

an all timer episode. Is this the same

35:50

episode where you guys argued about points? That

35:53

was four hours ago. And

35:55

that was this episode, right? Was that this episode?

35:57

Holy Christ. It's amazing you laughed and you... built

36:00

a house from scratch. I did.

36:02

I went out and trained 15 wild

36:04

coyotes. All

36:09

right. Well, thanks for listening to this episode

36:12

of Chomoroonies, Chill

36:14

Chomoroo. I'm a guy that, well,

36:18

this is where my career has brought me. We

36:21

can end it. We can actually end this

36:23

episode. I keep trying to, but you don't,

36:25

nobody helps me. It's you that you do

36:27

the end. You do the ending. Okay. You

36:29

did end it. Take it easy. The

36:32

more you try to talk, the less you can talk.

36:34

It's hilarious. You do the end. You

36:36

do the end. And you do the do. No,

36:39

no, do, no, do, no, do, no, do. Oh God, the more

36:41

you try to end it, the less you end it. Ladies

36:44

and gentlemen, from Altadena, this is Conan O'Brien

36:46

saying it's been nice. Oh

36:51

my God. Vodka with ice. I'm so close

36:53

to my house and I feel so far

36:55

away. You did this for 30 years. Just

36:58

end it. Okay. Well, that was easy. I

37:00

go like, well, that's our time. Good night

37:02

everybody. You can do that. Stay tuned for

37:04

last call with Carson Daly. I'm

37:11

going to go take, spend 40 minutes

37:13

wiping the makeup off my face in

37:15

my tiny dressing room. Good night everybody.

37:18

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

37:20

do. Bada, bada, bada, bada, bada,

37:22

bada, bada, bada. But

37:24

it still chumps. Oh

37:27

my God, they're back. It's another one. God,

37:31

this is, you live in a, you

37:34

live in a horror show. Oh my God.

37:37

God. It is intense. It's

37:39

intense. Summer

37:41

Smores with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of

37:44

Sessian and Matt Gorley. Produced

37:46

by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by

37:49

Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross

37:51

at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and

37:53

Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme

37:56

song by The White Stripes. Incidental

37:58

music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away,

38:00

Jimmy. Our

38:04

supervising producer is Aaron Blayert, and our

38:06

associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering

38:09

by Eduardo Perez, additional production support

38:11

by Mars Melnick, talent booking by

38:13

Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick

38:15

Khan. You can rate and

38:17

review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you

38:19

might find your review read on a future

38:22

episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the

38:24

Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a

38:26

message. It

38:29

too could be featured on a future

38:31

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subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend

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38:44

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38:46

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40:36

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40:39

count on ADT. Isn't that nice?

40:41

I like that. I like how that all came around. Yeah,

40:44

I was worried for a while, wouldn't get to ADT. I

40:47

mean, I think ADT should be sure

40:49

the one worried about it, but anyway,

40:51

visit adt.com today or call 1-800-ADT-AS-AP. 1-800-ADT-AS-AP.