0:01

up to up to up to All

0:05

right, we are rolling. Luckily

0:07

for us, my regular

0:09

co-host has some autoimmune issues

0:11

and he's seeing the best doctors available

0:14

and sitting in for him is

0:16

one of the all time greats. We're so lucky

0:18

that he's here. Give it up

0:20

for the one and only Andrew Dice Clay, everybody.

0:23

And it's great to be here. Man,

0:25

this is awesome. This is a treat. The

0:27

reason I'm here because I love Burt. You

0:30

know, I really do. Yeah, he's great. I think

0:32

you guys are a great team. Thank you. That's

0:35

number one. Another thing, you know,

0:37

you guys are just killing it out there.

0:39

Thanks, man. I have to say it, you know,

0:42

because I follow, you know, you know, I

0:44

don't know how anybody knows who follows

0:47

who. Yeah. You know what I

0:49

mean? But I do. I follow you.

0:51

I follow the two of you. I

0:54

follow him. He's so crazy on the road

0:56

with the fully loaded. It's crazy. You

0:59

know, yeah. I'm like, when did they have time for the

1:01

show? That's how I look at the clips. I

1:03

know because they're out like they're kayaking

1:05

and fucking playing frisbee golf. Let me

1:08

ask you something about him because I've

1:10

talked to him. You

1:12

know, he, you

1:14

know, he's like when he's on

1:17

that thing, when they're out there

1:19

doing those shows. Yeah.

1:21

And they're gigantic shows. Yeah. Bigger

1:25

than gigantic. Yeah, they're huge. So

1:27

I'm saying, so there

1:29

they are now in an amusement

1:31

park, you know,

1:34

with everybody going on the

1:36

roller coaster. Yeah. Now,

1:38

I know if I was with him and

1:41

he said, you know, let's do, does he

1:43

like tell them you have to do this?

1:45

Because nobody turns around and says, I'm not

1:47

going on there. Yeah. Because

1:49

he knows I would. I would never. I would

1:51

never do it. I grew up near Coney Island.

1:54

I didn't go on the cyclone once. Not a chance. So

1:57

and the roller coaster is today make that look

1:59

like. And he's like just

2:01

smile. He'll sit in the front car Nothing

2:05

means anything to him. He's like

2:07

the what's it like the carnival

2:10

guy like that. Do they have to do it?

2:12

I don't think they have to but I do

2:14

think that Burt has this thing It's

2:17

probably an extension of who he was in

2:19

college. We're like the guy who's like, let's

2:21

go Let's go fucking stand on

2:23

top of this building and take shits off

2:25

this and then somebody's like, all right Let's

2:27

go white water rafting. Yeah. No, no I

2:31

don't want to do it doing that, you

2:33

know But it

2:35

is amazing to see ya know. Yeah.

2:37

Yeah. He's contagious though. He's contagious fun,

2:39

you know and What

2:41

else do and I love that he's where

2:44

we had talks about exercise. Uh-huh, and

2:46

he is pumping Yeah, you know he's been and

2:48

I've even seen our wall bird talk about

2:50

it. He's been getting after it Yeah,

2:52

you've been a big exercise guy. Well,

2:54

that's Where I

2:56

connected with him when I met him

2:58

at the mothership. I started talking about

3:00

exercise Yeah, I go, you know,

3:03

I'm not ripped, you know, I'm just

3:05

you know, you're a fit guy though I mean

3:07

like Jews don't get ripped, you know

3:09

what I mean? We just don't I mean now

3:11

and then you see one But yeah, you got

3:13

to figure the father's Italian So, you know what

3:15

I mean that it's a mixed matter but

3:18

yeah, but I love to exercise because

3:20

I always say like You

3:23

know like as a comic you're

3:25

exercising your mind your mind your

3:27

mind runs your body So why

3:29

not exercise everything? Yeah, you know,

3:31

so you were baby. He's been

3:33

doing it He's been doing it more

3:35

lately for sure you were but you were

3:37

a big workout guy Like you

3:39

have been right for your well, this is the

3:41

thing when I was uh, when

3:43

I was 30 and I

3:46

got Ford failing. Mm-hmm. That's also like when

3:48

my career took off right before I was

3:50

30 So all

3:52

these celebs would come to my show from

3:54

from Cher to

3:57

Priscilla Presley to Billy

3:59

Yachty I had an idol, my

4:02

first concert in LA at

4:04

the Wilton is where I became friends with

4:06

Guns N' Roses. And Stallone

4:08

would come to all my shows. I became

4:10

friends with him, because he

4:12

called to meet me on the set of Lock Up,

4:15

which I idolized Sly. I

4:19

couldn't believe, my manager at the time, he calls me

4:21

and he goes, Sly Stallone wants to meet you. So

4:25

bottom line, the next Sunday, he

4:27

leaves a message on my voice machine

4:29

going, you know, we're having Memorial Day, why

4:32

don't you come over to my house? You

4:34

know, and I'm looking at the

4:37

number two wife, you know, which wasn't

4:39

the number two wife yet. And

4:42

I go, do you believe this? We're going to

4:44

a barbecue at Sly's. But

4:46

at his house, I met

4:48

this guy, George Pipsick, which

4:51

was his trainer for all

4:53

the Rockies and Rambo's. And

4:56

he set me up with George, who

4:58

was Mr. Cheka Slovakia four years in

5:00

a row. And when

5:03

steroids came into the business, he

5:05

quit the business and came to America,

5:08

met Sly, he built every machine in

5:10

his gym, and he taught me to

5:12

train. But by the time I

5:14

was about 38, I

5:17

was 255, which

5:19

I call Elvis dying weight, because

5:23

I was miserable in that marriage.

5:26

So I was just fat. Thank

5:28

God I was able to exercise a little because

5:31

of what George taught me. But it

5:34

wasn't until my fifties that

5:36

I just really got into it. And

5:38

I leaned out. You look great, man.

5:41

I try, you know what I mean? You

5:43

exercise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

5:45

do weights, I do cardio

5:48

stuff, I ride a bike, go on

5:50

runs. All right, so when you do

5:52

weights, do you do heavy

5:54

reps? No, I don't really

5:56

do heavy. See, that's the, no, no, I mean

5:59

a lot of repetition. Oh, oh, yeah. So I

6:01

have a heavy weight heavy reps. Yeah. Yeah, like

6:03

every set I do is between 15 and 21

6:05

reps No matter what

6:07

I do. Okay, you know, it's just and

6:09

and that's how you stay like leaner and

6:12

I don't even know why we're talking about. I

6:14

don't know we were talking about gambling two minutes

6:17

ago Let's talk again. I want to talk about

6:19

you because I met you For

6:21

you know two minutes at the Bill Burr

6:23

we read and sure we were in New

6:26

York It was awesome

6:28

because it was a surprise for the audience was surprised for me

6:30

too. I was just stopping by Bill's

6:32

show at MSG and I'm

6:35

sitting there in the wings and then I see

6:37

you well, they go. Oh dice is gonna do

6:39

a surprise set in here I was like no

6:42

so I just grabbed you real quick and I was

6:44

I mean it was awesome because You

6:47

know for everything that's happening and comedy

6:49

has never been this big right like

6:51

globally And there's fucking 15

6:54

people doing arenas and there's 40 plus

6:56

doing theaters It's insane But you're

6:59

the guy that all of us

7:01

like when when arenas were

7:03

even discussed It seems like

7:05

such a far-fetched thing. We're like, yeah I

7:07

mean like it was something that you did

7:10

you did that, you know I never thought

7:12

when I did like I know I'm the

7:14

first guy that did it. Yeah, okay, and

7:16

that was my dream.

7:18

Yeah, okay, and so I

7:22

never thought at that time that it's

7:24

gonna become the norm For

7:27

when comics get big it's gonna be

7:29

arenas. Yeah, you know and Rogan always

7:32

talks about it on his show He

7:34

goes he goes I forgot who

7:36

told me he goes Rogan said the garden

7:38

is the is the home that

7:40

dice built Sure that every comic no

7:43

matter how many arenas they do

7:45

they got to play the garden because

7:47

dice played the garden so It

7:50

was it was a funny thing with Bill Burr because

7:52

I love his comedy

7:55

Yeah, and I said to my sugarplum. He

7:57

was playing out in Jersey at the Prudential

8:00

Center and I said, you

8:03

know, I know Bill really

8:05

likes what I do so I'll text

8:07

him if he's gonna feel odd that

8:10

I come to his show I won't go. Yeah. Because

8:12

I know how I would feel like when Rodney would

8:14

show up. Sure. You feel you got to be better

8:17

than you are type of thing. Yeah, yeah. You

8:19

know, so uh, he goes, no I want you

8:21

to come. So all

8:24

the way there, you know, I'm teasing her

8:26

because I could really get

8:28

her. Uh-huh. You know, and I'm

8:30

in, I'm in what I call

8:33

my dress-up motorcycle jacket, you know,

8:35

my going out for dinner. Sure.

8:37

Not necessarily on stage, you know,

8:40

and I go, yeah, I haven't done arenas since,

8:42

you know, I went back to the garden in

8:44

2000. I sold out the beacon and

8:47

the garden in the same week, you

8:49

know, in the year 2000 and had nothing

8:51

going on in the business. Uh-huh. And I

8:53

just did it. So that's,

8:55

that's 24 years ago. Yeah. So I

8:57

said, oh, I haven't done, I haven't

8:59

done an arena since 2000 and,

9:03

and all the way there. She's going, it's,

9:06

it's, it's not your show. You're

9:09

not performing. Like she thinks I'm

9:11

losing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love to do

9:13

that to people to just put them on. Yeah.

9:15

Like I do in the street when I come

9:17

over. Boys, you,

9:19

you have, it is,

9:21

it's become everybody's favorite IG account. And I

9:24

got to tell you this, cause for people

9:26

who don't know, it's so, it's so worth

9:29

a dive into because it's, it's like

9:31

these real genuine organic moments where you're

9:33

like, you want to pitch and

9:35

people are like, what? They gotta go.

9:38

We got an Andrew Dice Clay. What is it? I

9:40

don't even know. The Instagram. What

9:42

is this Instagram? What's it

9:44

called? What is it? What is my site called?

9:46

It's at, it's at Andrew Dice Clay. Okay. And

9:48

it is, it is my

9:51

personal favorite Instagram

9:53

account where you just walk

9:55

up to anybody and

9:58

you're like, are you here for the thing? And they're like,

10:00

what? I got addicted

10:02

to it because I'm in New York a

10:04

lot and I just love

10:06

since I'm a kid to mess with people.

10:09

I can't help myself and I used

10:11

to do it with a video camera and

10:14

you know with the DV tapes

10:16

but it wasn't going up on

10:18

phones. Again,

10:21

Rogan was sort of a new comic at

10:23

the store and I'm filming

10:25

every night I changed the lighting in

10:27

the comedy store in the kitchen red

10:30

blue green like it's a set rather

10:32

than the stark lighting you know. So

10:34

one night

10:37

Rogan walks over and he goes can

10:39

I ask you something? Because it was all the

10:41

new comics that are like like

10:44

hotter today like Bobby Lee

10:46

and Ari Shafir and Sebastian

10:48

all these guys were new

10:50

comics. So he comes

10:52

off he goes can I ask what

10:54

you're filming every night? You know I

10:57

go oh it's the show it's you

10:59

know my show and he goes

11:02

what's it on? I go

11:04

oh nothing really and he

11:06

just starts laughing three nights later he's

11:08

got a guy with a camera filming

11:10

him. Yeah you know not what I

11:12

was doing but like that's

11:14

why he's so smart he catches on

11:17

to stuff. But now when the phones

11:19

came out you know when

11:21

I went back to New York I was

11:24

you know I just walked over to

11:26

some unsuspecting are you the one

11:28

and I don't act like this you

11:31

know he's almost like are you the

11:33

one he's almost like the slow guy

11:35

in the neighborhood. Yeah yeah totally. So

11:37

I come over I go excuse are

11:39

you the one that wanted the they

11:41

said you wanted the picture and

11:44

it's it's always people that

11:46

doesn't that don't want it. Yeah you

11:48

know and it just became lunch and

11:50

they're like what'd you say? It's become

11:52

a giant thing. It's amazing. I can't

11:55

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15:24

is so, it feels, here's the thing, it just

15:26

feels like, it feels like you're

15:28

sharing something that is genuinely for you. Like

15:31

that you're getting the kick out

15:33

of doing it. I can't do it enough.

15:35

Yeah. I'm addicted to it. Please

15:38

never stop. It's the funniest thing. Well, this is

15:40

the thing, when I do leave the apartment, you

15:43

know, my sweetheart will

15:45

always say she'll go, just

15:47

do me a favor, make sure you could

15:49

kick their ass, whoever it is. Because

15:52

I have had some problems with people

15:54

getting my face, you know,

15:56

and I'm like, I got to get out of this.

15:58

Really? the dumber I

16:01

play, the more they're thinking, oh,

16:03

there's something wrong with this guy, just walk

16:05

away. But

16:07

I do like, I

16:10

forgot, I

16:12

forgot what I had out years ago.

16:14

It's something you don't need in your

16:16

body. It was

16:19

an operation. Like an

16:21

appendix? It's not the appendix though,

16:23

it's a- Spleen? What,

16:25

babe, what's that thing? What

16:30

is it? Just

16:34

gel it. She's

16:38

in the other room, but if she says something,

16:40

they'll send me a message. No,

16:42

just what's it called? Somebody

16:46

find out. We'll

16:49

go ask her. I thought she's

16:51

watching. She's watching, but she's probably, she's

16:53

lying. She's, oh,

16:56

okay. So anyway,

16:58

I'm walking by, number

17:03

one, I just hung up the

17:05

phone with

17:08

the comic bread guy I'm from. Yeah, yeah, sure.

17:10

So he's like, what are you doing? I go,

17:12

I just knew I had a fight with a

17:15

guy. He goes, where

17:17

are you? I go, I'm at a bus stop. He goes, you're

17:20

a legendary, why are you at a bus stop? What

17:23

are you doing with your life? So

17:25

what happened is I'm walking by this guy

17:29

and I hear him on the phone. He's

17:31

talking about doctor stuff. You

17:33

know, like, I don't know about his wife or something.

17:35

And that's all I got to hear. So

17:38

I come back, I get my phone on. I'm

17:40

going, excuse me. You're

17:43

the one that wanted to talk about, you

17:45

know, I have my appendix out. You

17:47

know, you needed to talk about it. You wanted to meet with

17:50

me. Guy couldn't get away quick

17:52

enough. Yeah, he couldn't, you

17:54

know, like a 45, 50 year old man with

17:57

a backpack asshole, you know, which

17:59

is. little walk away scooter. And

18:03

so I just loved it because he's

18:05

jumping like what? No,

18:07

I don't need you. I'm in the middle

18:09

of this like, who are you? But that's

18:12

what I love. And Jim Norton knows better

18:14

than anybody my whole life. I just love

18:16

to bother people. Yeah, it's a different sense

18:18

of humor than the one I use on

18:21

stage. Yeah. It's the one

18:23

I was using in the car going to

18:26

see Bill, you know, to

18:28

my own girl. Yeah, going, No, you

18:30

know, I don't know. I didn't put

18:32

anything together, you know, and

18:34

she's going, it's not your show. We're going

18:36

to watch the show. Sure. She

18:39

goes, I don't know. Maybe he'd want you to

18:41

introduce him. I don't know. Like she

18:43

just wanted to stop talking about it. But

18:46

the joke was on me because I get

18:48

there. And the minute I walk into his

18:50

dressing room, and you know, Bill, he's a

18:52

great guy. Totally. As a guy, he's a

18:54

great guy. And he goes, he

18:57

just gets up with this big smile. He goes,

18:59

dice, you're gonna do some time, right? So

19:02

I'm like, my stomach dropped. Yeah, I'll

19:04

be honest with you know, I'll

19:07

do 1500 seat theaters, 2000 seats

19:09

or clubs. That's what I do

19:11

now. And he goes, and I go,

19:14

No, no, no, no, no. Not a joke.

19:16

So I go, I'm not I'm not going up. That's

19:18

not what I'm here. He goes, No, you you got

19:20

to go up. You got to do time, right. And

19:23

then I get introduced and the minute

19:25

I went up, the place went nuts.

19:27

It went Jersey. No, this is Jersey

19:29

show. Okay. And

19:31

because I've been thinking about like, maybe

19:34

going bigger again. And

19:37

but you know, you get a little old, it's

19:39

like, no matter how you train, you know,

19:42

you're still a little older, like, you know,

19:44

to face those kinds of crowds, which you

19:46

know, because you're doing it. Yeah, yeah. You

19:48

know, it takes like, how old are you?

19:50

I'm 45. Okay, yeah,

19:53

45. You're nothing. You're

19:55

not you're a child as far That's what happens

19:57

when you hit like 60. You

19:59

know, You look at a 45-year-old guy

20:01

going, because I remember my father telling

20:04

me, at that age, he goes, you

20:06

don't even realize how young you are.

20:08

You're a kid. You know,

20:10

that's how the older generation, you know, that's just

20:13

how it goes. So I go

20:15

on the stage, I kill the crowd, and

20:18

my girlfriend's like, you see, you can

20:20

do it. See, that

20:22

was nothing for you. All

20:24

right, so I don't know if it was

20:26

two weeks later. Now, like

20:29

I told you, I became friends with Guns N' Roses

20:31

in 88. So

20:33

around 92, I get

20:36

a call from Axel. He's

20:38

doing the, but I was

20:40

friends with them. I'd go to the

20:42

rehearsal studios, I'd sit in, jam with

20:44

them on the drums. Yeah, at the

20:46

rehearsal place with Slash and Duff. They'd

20:50

come to my apartment three in the morning,

20:52

we'd go to the rock and roll Ralphs

20:54

on Sunset, and I'd annoy people in the

20:56

parking lot, only without the

20:58

phone. So I

21:00

get a call, and I was

21:03

starting to get claustrophobic in the

21:05

arenas. It was already

21:07

like three or four years of arenas,

21:10

and he goes,

21:12

I'm doing, this is Axel Rose

21:15

talking common sense now. The

21:18

Axel you know. He goes, I'm

21:20

doing the Rose Bowl, and

21:22

I want you to be our guest,

21:26

you know, and go on F the

21:28

Metallica. Oh my fucking God. And I'm

21:30

going, I can't do it Axel. I

21:32

go, just being closed in like that,

21:34

you know. He goes, DICE, it's

21:36

gonna be over 100,000 people. You

21:40

know, he goes, and you're gonna be outside. He

21:42

goes, just look at the stars. So

21:45

it made sense to me. So I

21:47

come out, and the minute I came out to

21:49

We Will Rock You, and

21:51

the whole audience got up. You

21:54

know, it was amazing, an amazing feeling. So

21:57

now here we are all these years late. I just

21:59

did the. Bill Burt thing it was like this

22:01

past November or something. And

22:04

so now I get a call on

22:06

a Monday night from their road manager

22:09

that they're gonna be at the MetLife, which

22:11

is the old giant stadium in Jersey.

22:14

This is in like beginning

22:16

of December. We want,

22:18

here's a special guest, can you do it? And

22:21

I'm like, tomorrow night. And

22:25

you know my girlfriend's like, she also

22:27

watches out for me, my health, everything.

22:31

And she goes, you don't have to do it. I go, yeah,

22:33

but I do. Yeah, so I

22:35

show up at MetLife, 60,000 people

22:37

or more, something

22:40

like that. Now I don't see

22:43

him, because I'm in a dressing room hanging with

22:45

Duff. And now when Tom

22:47

Mayhew, the road manager, goes, all right, it's

22:49

time. As we're walking, I'm

22:52

seeing through the bleaches, just

22:54

as far as the eye could see. And

22:57

I'm going, oh my God. I

23:00

go, and I'm thinking, well,

23:03

these are the stories I told my

23:05

girlfriend. She's now getting to see it.

23:08

So let them have it. And

23:10

I even look, when I look at the video

23:12

so little, walking out to

23:14

that crowd, and they went nuts. But

23:17

the difference is, it's not

23:19

a comedy crowd. They're not there

23:22

for comedy. They're there for rock

23:24

and roll. So you're taking a

23:26

chance. Definitely. And I slammed

23:28

them for about 15 minutes. So

23:32

now I see Bill Burr is coming

23:34

to the garden in December, and

23:37

I called him, because that

23:39

is my place. And

23:44

he goes, Dikes, you wanna be

23:46

my special guest? You got it. That's how

23:48

simple it is to him. And

23:53

that's where I meet you. I

23:56

think right before I was going on. Right before you went

23:58

on stage, man. I

24:01

remember, and it was just easy,

24:04

you know, that's how I felt about

24:06

it, and I remember his manager telling

24:08

me after, he goes, you

24:11

just played an arena like it's a 200-seat club.

24:15

You're heckling people, you're picking on

24:17

people. Like he loved

24:19

when I looked at a girl, remind me

24:21

to pinch your tits after the show, and

24:23

the place went fucking nuts. I

24:26

did. You know, I want to feel my

24:28

balls banging against your little pop socket over

24:30

there. And he's going, who

24:32

does that? It's an arena. That's fucking crazy.

24:34

And Bill was so funny, because when he

24:36

came up after, he goes, well, it's nice

24:39

to see DICE's mellowed in age. But

24:43

that really did turn the switch on, because

24:46

a lot of people would call me

24:48

like the rocky of comedy type of

24:51

thing. So I get that

24:53

in me. So now

24:55

there's, you know how you don't mention deals

24:58

until there's a deal? So

25:00

there is someone I'm talking to, a guy

25:03

you would call a rainmaker, that said,

25:05

you know, if you want to do

25:07

this, let's do it. He

25:10

goes, it'll be bigger than life. So

25:12

you'll go on an arena tour? I might. I

25:15

might. You know, right now, I'm

25:17

happy. I can't wait to do the mothership tonight.

25:19

So fun. I love being on top

25:21

of them, but I also, you know,

25:23

sometimes a comic, as you know,

25:26

people you know, the fire burns

25:28

out. And you watch him

25:30

on stage, and you go, he's just phoning it

25:32

in. See, I'm not that

25:34

guy. Like I even got

25:36

dressed to come here. I want to look

25:38

a certain way for you. I didn't want

25:40

to come here just, you know, out of

25:42

bed and laying back with a pair of

25:44

hands. I can't do it like that. You

25:47

know, you're somebody I really like. You know, I

25:50

love that I'm on here. I wish

25:52

Bert was here with us, but I've

25:54

done his podcast, you know, and

25:56

but I think both of you were so great.

25:59

I love that you got your This is your

26:01

new lawn? Yeah, this is Arvada, yeah man. Tell

26:03

me about this, I wanna know about it. Poor

26:05

Osos, man, we make it here in Texas. It's

26:08

wheat-based, I don't know if you're into

26:13

some of the little nuances of Arvada,

26:15

but usually they're corn or wheat-based. This

26:18

is a higher caliber. It's

26:20

distilled, proprietary distilled, and

26:23

we're going all over the place, man. We're

26:25

just, we're, every day we're in the state.

26:27

You should. This is, like

26:30

they say, this is your time. How

26:32

does that feel? It feels, it is

26:34

like, you know. When did it start

26:36

for you, coming up now? For me,

26:40

it is, I think I'm lucky in that I

26:42

didn't get on a rocket ship that just went

26:44

to the fucking moon one day. It

26:46

was a nice, gradual build. I

26:48

did a special in

26:51

2013, and it

26:53

was supposed, it wasn't considered a big

26:56

thing, it wasn't a thing to get Netflix then.

26:59

Netflix was like, oh, you got Netflix. Because Comedy

27:02

Central turned you down, and Showtime turned you down, and

27:04

I was like, all right, I guess I'll do Netflix.

27:07

So it goes, it was like that. I

27:09

was like, they're like, Netflix said yes. So

27:11

it came out in 2014, and by the end of 2014, I

27:16

was selling out clubs, which was, I'd never

27:18

sold tickets before, so I was like, this

27:21

is un-fucking believable. It's a great feeling, though.

27:23

It's the best feeling, and by early 2015,

27:28

we could sell out the whole weekend, add

27:30

shows and sell them out, and we started to, later

27:33

in 2015, start to do rock clubs and small theaters.

27:38

And then the next special came out in 2016, and

27:40

it was a gradual bump

27:43

up. So then it was proper theaters for

27:45

the next tour. And

27:47

then you did that for a while. And then, so

27:50

it's been like that of every tour,

27:53

the venues got bigger, and on the last tour,

27:55

we were doing really

27:57

big theaters and some arenas, and then this

27:59

tour. There has been arenas

28:01

and amphitheaters and stuff. So like, but it was

28:03

a small way to get it. And

28:06

when you're in the arenas, how do you feel up there?

28:08

I mean, it is

28:10

kind of surreal. And then this weird

28:12

thing happens where, once you're

28:15

doing them for like a few months,

28:17

I mean, it's always a thing when you pull up

28:19

and you're like, shit, this is where the fucking Rockets

28:21

play? This is crazy, you know? And you're like, you're

28:23

in the tunnel and you see like the NBA

28:26

media room. And you're like, that's nuts. But

28:29

there's this thing I think where, there's

28:31

still the same thing I think when you do clubs, theaters

28:33

and arenas, when I always do the voice

28:36

of God mic for whoever's opening. And

28:38

whenever you go like, like

28:40

how's it going tonight, Cincinnati? The

28:43

level of them going, you

28:45

look and you're like, this is gonna be a hot show. Or

28:48

sometimes you go like, how's it going? And they're like, so so.

28:50

And you're like, yeah. See, I judge

28:52

it by, you know, Eleanor Kerrigan who

28:54

is my feature. I always

28:56

judge it by her set. Sure.

29:00

You know, and I could tell if it's

29:02

that, you know, that intensity or if the,

29:05

oh man, let's just

29:07

get done. Yeah, exactly. And

29:10

let's just get done. I think the

29:12

surprise is that it stays that way

29:14

through every size venue. It doesn't, it's

29:16

just sometimes you're, now the thing that

29:19

I learned over years of doing standup

29:21

is that when you feel like they're

29:23

so so, you don't tell them,

29:26

don't tell them you're so so. You

29:29

leave some of those shows where you're

29:31

like, yeah, their energy was fine. And

29:33

they think that was great.

29:36

Well, see, the way

29:38

I think, you know, everybody's

29:40

got their own watch. Sure. If

29:43

they're not doing the right,

29:46

see, they used to say when you

29:48

start out in comedy, don't ever blame

29:50

the crowd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, you

29:53

do blame the crowd. Oh, I think, I think. I

29:56

always, I never could get past that.

29:59

You know, some. crowds are amazing like

30:01

did they know each other right

30:03

now and some crowds are OK

30:05

like how does that work. Yeah,

30:07

I mean I've for sure if

30:09

they're not good. Yeah, there's

30:11

no it's just like going over to somebody

30:14

in the street. Yeah, you know that's not

30:16

even going to know me yeah, you know

30:18

and I get pleasure out of that of

30:20

them walking away going. I have no idea

30:22

who you are like I don't know what

30:25

you want. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, so

30:27

they're not good. Yeah, I go you

30:29

know you're an awful crowd

30:31

right you do that you know you're

30:33

terrible. I got the crowd last

30:36

night, yeah was unreal I want to

30:38

go home and hang out with them.

30:40

Yeah, I can't wait to get away

30:42

from you people. I

30:44

know what I do is amazing. I

30:47

go I know how great I am

30:50

always known that since I'm a kid

30:52

I go you're terrible you suck as

30:54

a matter of fact. I'm

30:57

going to start throwing some people out

30:59

you know and I'll get security to

31:01

make an example go you see this

31:03

guy this big fat fuck in

31:06

the front. You know that's

31:08

been looking down at a kitchen table as whole

31:10

fucking I want to matter here. He bothers me

31:12

and the guys looking

31:14

like it's a joke and then you can

31:16

see him looking around because now there's 2

31:18

security. He's like you're kidding right

31:21

I go no you got to go. Yeah, you got

31:23

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31:25

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33:41

I'm very real up there and things,

33:45

I don't know how you

33:47

process comedy or where you

33:50

get it from, but like,

33:55

we all scroll the reels. Sure,

33:57

yeah. you

34:00

know lately, you know that

34:03

you saw the girl, the hot

34:05

two-way girl. Sure. You

34:07

know, and I'm looking at that going,

34:10

boy her dad must be so

34:12

thrilled with her. Look

34:14

what he brought up. Yeah, spit on

34:16

that thing. Now I haven't done that

34:18

bit on stage, but every time I

34:20

see her, I get angrier. Yeah. You

34:23

know, because I'm going, number one, nothing

34:25

sexy. Yeah. She was

34:28

a sexy hot chick with big pig

34:30

tits. That would be different

34:32

to me, you know what I mean?

34:34

Definitely. But when she's just this skinny

34:36

little blonde girl, I'm going, so that's

34:39

it? That's your claim to

34:41

affect it? Does she understand? Forever.

34:44

Forever. Any guy that takes

34:46

her out is waiting for her

34:49

to just spit on his dick. Yeah, forever.

34:51

That's who she is. Yeah, yeah. And not

34:53

that. She's going, all right, so you did

34:55

the little spit. What do you think I

34:57

know about? Spit on my dick, honey? You

35:00

know what I mean? Can you spit

35:02

from above? Can you stand above the

35:04

bed and hit the tip of my

35:07

fucking dick? That's what I'm thinking. And

35:09

then what about the drooling? Yeah. And

35:12

the choking that goes along with the experience? She

35:14

didn't say any of that. Nothing. She

35:17

did a little, I would throw her out

35:19

of my house for that. I

35:21

go, come back when you get experience. And

35:24

that's what the world makes a deal

35:26

out of today. But the father that

35:28

brought her up, that

35:31

had her on his knee, her

35:33

fifth birthday, and her

35:35

sweet 16, his cute little girl,

35:38

and she comes back from college and

35:40

all she learned or got was a

35:43

degree in dick sucking and

35:45

doesn't want to work. And the best she's ever going

35:48

to do is getting on, what

35:50

is that, OnlyFans? Yeah, yeah. That's

35:53

the job. That's the fucking. You know what I mean?

35:55

So I get angry and then it becomes a bit,

35:58

which I think right now. We did it

36:00

just did you know what I mean? Yeah, but

36:02

yeah when I see that stuff. I just get

36:04

angry at it Well, it's

36:06

it's um, you know, we're celebrating Mediocrity

36:09

at that point right? This is just somebody

36:11

just saying some bullshit I mean, you know

36:14

it's charming in the moment, but the fact

36:16

that like she got a platform

36:18

because of that pretty crazy well now Just

36:21

there's another one and this I

36:23

have thought about it I'm not even gonna do

36:25

it now cuz it is an actual bit. Yeah,

36:28

but it hasn't been done I never You

36:31

know, I know comics they go when they

36:33

rehearse My you know, like

36:36

like to the cellar and all that and here, you

36:38

know, you got the mothership and all the club I

36:41

don't I don't do that anymore. Yeah, I'll

36:43

think of something and I'll

36:45

wait to be on stage and if

36:48

it bombs then so be it you

36:50

know, but then it kills and Eleanor

36:52

after the show goes you haven't been on

36:54

stage in three months and you

36:57

leveled the room with that bit How

36:59

do you do that? Yeah, I just know myself

37:01

so Lately and I

37:04

won't go into but I will say on the

37:06

other side there's you know the actor Steve Gutenberg

37:08

Yeah, you see him on the feed Do

37:11

I see Steve on the field? Yeah, so his

37:13

whole thing is about

37:15

how he's just grateful You

37:18

know, he walks the street and he'll go. Oh,

37:20

I just Picked a

37:23

lemon or for lemon tree or by

37:25

myself You know

37:27

that he's able to do these

37:30

things He's and he's physically able

37:32

and it's sunny out and I

37:34

was in an uber in New York And

37:36

the guy started doing it like

37:39

the driver. I'm just going to the gym. I don't

37:41

want to be bothered I don't want to talk to

37:43

you. I don't want to know you Nick and he

37:45

goes, how are you today, sir?

37:47

And I'm like, you know good, you

37:49

know, can you put on the music put on 70s,

37:51

you know? I'm trying

37:53

to like forget him, you know, and

37:56

then he goes Well, I feel good.

37:58

I was able to get out of bed today and

38:00

put my pants on by myself, I

38:03

go, yeah, that's what we do, okay?

38:06

I don't wanna talk, you know, but

38:08

I'm angry at Gutenberg. No,

38:10

it's like, yeah, I get it,

38:12

you showered. I watched my balls

38:14

all by myself, you know what

38:16

I mean? But that's where

38:19

I get it from. I walk around

38:21

and I get angry, and

38:23

it's like this build up till I get on

38:25

a stage somewhere to do an actual show, and

38:28

then I'll see what happens. But

38:31

when the drivers tell me, yeah,

38:33

I'm so happy, I opened my

38:35

eyes this morning, and I'm thinking,

38:37

I wish you didn't, because

38:39

if you didn't, I'd have another driver that

38:41

would know to keep his fucking mouth shut.

38:44

You know what I mean? I hate small talk with the

38:46

driver. I don't like small talk. I

38:48

hate it so much. How are

38:50

you today? What do you care? No, don't chat

38:52

me out. Anyway, so, do

38:54

you know that, did

38:57

you ever do Diaz's podcast

38:59

in his, Joey Diaz? Oh

39:01

yeah, a lot. Did you

39:03

ever partake in an edible? No,

39:07

no, no, I can't. So he's another

39:09

world, right? He's

39:12

another level. So I go to his one time, and he's

39:14

like, eat

39:18

one of these, eat a star of death. And

39:20

I go, I don't fucking, I'm not eating a

39:23

star of death. And he goes, eat one of

39:25

the corners. So he cuts, I go, fuck

39:27

that. So he cuts it in another piece. Stop

39:29

being a pussy. I'm like, all right. So I

39:31

eat like the tiniest fucking thing. I

39:34

do it, and I feel fine for

39:36

a while. And then as the podcast is ending,

39:39

hour and a half or something later, I'm

39:41

like, oh shit, I'm fucking, I'm

39:43

hot. You're toast. I'm toast. So

39:46

I'm like, all right, man. And I get

39:48

out of there, and I get in my car, and

39:51

we're in the valley, and I'm

39:53

supposed to, at the time we're living in Redondo Beach,

39:56

and I'm like. Oh, and you gotta go, I know where

39:58

that studio was. Oh, fuck. So

40:00

I I'm going to the freeway. I pass

40:03

the exit Fuck

40:06

so I turn around and I'm listening to her take

40:08

a left here. I passed it a second time So

40:11

I'm like shit. So I call my wife. I'm like,

40:13

here's what's going on. I don't

40:15

know what to do I can't do this. She goes

40:17

pull over somewhere and And

40:20

just call an uber and leave your car

40:22

there and I go. Okay, so

40:25

I pull into a Ralph's on Ventura,

40:28

oh Okay, bro

40:31

I'm out of my mind high at this point

40:34

cuz I'm getting higher still and

40:36

I'm like shit and I'm like

40:38

are these my hands, you know and

40:41

I look over I look over like this

40:43

and Two spaces

40:45

over it's you And

40:48

I'm like I

40:51

was so fucking scared. I was like am I

40:53

hallucinating or is that a red dice? Near

40:56

Starbucks on Ventura did and so I'm like

40:58

I'm like and then I call her back

41:00

I'm like, I think dice is is in

41:02

the car over there and she's like, hey,

41:04

man I don't know what you're saying right

41:06

now, but get that uber like get that

41:08

uber right now And and and

41:10

I see you look at me a couple

41:12

times and I'm like and then I get

41:14

scared and I keep staring I feel bad.

41:16

I'm freaking out and then I I

41:18

call an uber Lady

41:21

drives me the whole time. I'm in the car. We

41:23

didn't talk we didn't connect No,

41:25

we didn't talk. I mean I was incapable. I

41:27

think I would have I was so

41:29

high that I was beyond Paranoid

41:31

at that point got it. So I just sat

41:33

in the back of the uber and told the

41:35

lady how amazing it was that she Could drive,

41:37

you know, he's just a different

41:39

level a whole other like I

41:42

could remember, you know Where

41:45

you know, I'd smoke, you know and

41:47

I got the munchy and I would

41:49

never have like edibles Yeah, but his

41:52

at this place I went to they

41:54

gave me a bag of popcorn Okay,

41:58

so I got the munchies And

42:01

I ate the bag and I

42:03

slept for 19 hours True

42:06

story cuz it was just too much. So

42:08

I don't like to do the edible stuff,

42:10

you know, he's fucked me more than once

42:13

Yeah, no, I've seen him do like Like

42:16

if I did a gummy,

42:18

yeah would be like a five.

42:20

Yeah, no, I you know

42:23

I've seen him do 250 in one

42:25

shot. He gave me a thousand one time

42:27

I said, how do you do that? And

42:29

what it doesn't he's got

42:31

the tolerance but here's the thing I

42:33

thought that he has the

42:36

tolerance and Doesn't feel

42:38

the panic that we all feel. No,

42:40

he feels that panic and enjoys

42:44

riding That way

42:46

so the thing that scares you he's like

42:48

I kind of like feeling like that if

42:51

I do anything It's a like, you know,

42:53

it's a melon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

42:55

I don't want no sativa I have no

42:58

tolerance For alcohol

43:00

went out the old night with my

43:02

girl It's like,

43:05

you know, I'm supposed to be diced as you know,

43:07

yeah, you went out with me You'd go he

43:09

took two sips of a rum and coke Look

43:12

at him. Yes falling on the floor. I

43:15

just don't have tolerance You

43:17

know and not that she's a

43:19

drink. We hardly ever drink but she can

43:22

hold her liquor, you know I'm

43:24

just not she would love the vodka. That's

43:26

her thing. But you

43:28

know, I just never had tolerance for

43:30

any of it Yeah, you know, it's

43:32

just who I am, you know Yeah,

43:35

but you're and so you everybody as

43:37

soon as associates you and right before

43:39

we recorded was smoking Yeah, and

43:41

you know you still you always did the movement

43:43

and everybody was like, yeah The the dice cigarette

43:46

stuff and you still have it but you quit.

43:48

How did you quit you quit in one day?

43:50

You said in one day. I just well

43:52

I Quit

43:55

more than once. Okay, the first time

43:57

I quit my kids were real young

44:00

And I was also a very heavy

44:02

blackjack player. So I do enjoy

44:04

Dana. I love blackjack. Dana

44:07

White. Yeah. Watching the clips.

44:09

Yeah. You know, I mean, he really, you know,

44:11

300,000 a hand. It's

44:13

fucking crazy. I'm going, oh my God, you know. It's crazy.

44:16

But I played heavy. You

44:18

know, I could win or lose a half

44:20

a million in a night. Didn't make a

44:22

difference, you know. And

44:26

that was even one night when I, you know,

44:28

I did Bally's in Vegas for 13 years. I

44:31

did all the big holidays like five times a

44:33

year. Yeah. You know, so they

44:36

were paying me millions. So it

44:38

meant nothing to gamble, win or lose, you

44:40

know. And that was just Vegas, not

44:42

the arenas, you know. Vegas

44:45

was like the relaxing gig. Right.

44:47

But yet I'd be at a table playing like an animal,

44:49

you know. Let me

44:52

ask you one thing about blackjack. Because we play blackjack

44:54

every time we do a casino gig, we always go play

44:57

blackjack. The whole crew that we go with. There's

45:00

a thing where there's just

45:02

like nights where you're

45:04

there and you're winning more

45:06

hands, right. You're just, you're on a good

45:08

streak. And subsequently

45:12

there's other nights where

45:14

you're like, fucking, I can't win

45:16

a hand. And ultimately I think like

45:18

the logical thing is to go, look

45:20

man, it's just, it's gambling. You're

45:22

going to have good shoes and bad shoes. Like,

45:24

do you see it that

45:26

way? My thing about gambling is you

45:28

got to be willing to lose everything

45:30

in front of you to win. You

45:34

know, can't play scared. No. Can't

45:36

play drunk and you can't play tired or angry. And

45:38

do you have a walk away time? No, but do

45:41

you see what I'm saying? Sure. Those

45:43

are the rules. No, no tired. So if

45:45

you do lose, you can't say, well it's

45:48

because I've been arguing with my chick

45:50

all day. You know, I had a bit, you

45:52

lose because you just lost and you got to

45:55

be willing to. Yeah. And there

45:57

are days you get 20. the

46:00

deal gets 21. Yeah. You

46:02

know, but I do, you

46:04

know, and I haven't played in a

46:06

long time either, but you

46:09

know, I have such, I mean, that was one

46:11

night I was playing Bally's, my

46:14

opening act at that time was Wheels Parisi,

46:16

I don't know if you know. Yeah, Wheels,

46:18

yeah. Okay, so Wheels is actually on stage

46:21

at Bally's. I'm

46:24

at Caesar's Palace,

46:26

and my bodyguard, Club

46:29

Soda Kenny, who works for Bill now, and

46:33

I'm in the dice rules jacket that I wore

46:35

at the garden. That's how I'm playing, you

46:38

know, and so

46:40

he goes, I think it's time we

46:42

go to the show. He's

46:45

only got five minutes left, and they have

46:47

a limo waiting, and

46:50

so now I'm on stage, because I was winning,

46:52

I didn't even want to leave, and

46:56

so I'm on stage with over

46:58

$350,000 of chips, of

47:02

winnings, you know, in my

47:04

pocket, that I can't wait to get done with the

47:06

show and go back and get more, because it was

47:08

one of those nights. But

47:10

one time with Wheels, I get to Vegas,

47:13

I'll just tell you this one story, and

47:16

I sit right here where I am now. Wheels

47:18

is where you are. I always sit at the end,

47:20

I don't let anybody else play.

47:23

I have the whole table, and

47:25

I got into Vegas, and I

47:27

lost, I don't know, 150,000

47:32

in a few minutes, that's how fast it goes. Yeah.

47:37

So the next day, we're all at the

47:39

pool, and they would like, you know, the

47:41

red velvet ropes, whatever, and

47:44

we're with all these people, you know, my

47:46

girl, my, you know, I had a baby at

47:48

the time, whatever, and I

47:51

say to Wheels, I go, you got any money on ya?

47:54

And he goes, I got $20, you know, I go, that's

47:57

enough, let's get out of here. Jump in the

47:59

cab, we got a maroon. And at the Mirage

48:01

I have a $75,000 line of credit.

48:07

So they give me the $75,000 and

48:09

I'm playing this guy and it's a

48:12

male pit boss. This

48:14

is in the days when

48:16

supposedly women hated dice type of

48:18

thing. And

48:22

so I'm at the table and I'm losing

48:24

to this one dealer and I'm playing $5,000

48:26

a hand. So it's not

48:28

that many ships. But

48:31

I said to the pit boss, because they would

48:33

hold the cards like this rather than pointed at

48:35

you to cut them. And

48:38

I said, would it be all right if the

48:40

dealer faced the cards at me and the pit

48:42

boss was gold? And he let

48:44

it happen. I'm

48:46

still losing. They

48:48

switched dealer and pit

48:51

boss. And it was

48:53

this black man, his name was Archie. He was

48:55

from Louisiana. I'll never forget this guy. He was

48:57

a nice guy and a

48:59

female pit boss. He

49:02

shuffles whatever and

49:04

puts the cards and I asked

49:06

him to turn the cards and he

49:08

goes, we're not allowed. And I said to

49:11

the lady, I go, would it be okay

49:14

if Archie turned the cards towards me? And

49:16

she goes, no. So

49:18

I know she's a dice hater. I

49:21

go, well, the other pit boss didn't have a

49:23

problem and I'm trying to be nice. I'm not

49:25

being dicey and being Andrew. And

49:29

she goes, well, I do have a problem with it. So

49:32

I go, really? And

49:34

I'm looking at her and I go, let

49:36

me tell you something. You'll

49:39

be lucky if you still have a job when I'm

49:41

done here. And I go, wheels,

49:44

get up. Come sit

49:46

here. And I go there and I lean across.

49:48

I made like a whole deal out of it.

49:51

And I cut the cards from leaning across the

49:53

table so I could cut it the way I

49:55

want. Wheels, get up, go

49:57

back to your seat. Now

49:59

I look. look at the dealer and I

50:01

go, okay, Archie, this is how it

50:04

comes down. And I go,

50:06

and don't stop the game for any reason,

50:08

you don't need more chips. When I'm done

50:10

taking those, I'm outta here. There were two

50:12

rows of $5,000 chips and

50:16

I'm down to six chips, 30 grand. And

50:21

I said to Archie, I go, you

50:23

see those last two chips

50:26

on the second row, that's your

50:28

tip. How does that sound? Now

50:32

I'm angry, you know,

50:34

but my energy came up

50:36

because of the horatitude. Yeah.

50:39

And we stopped playing, and Wills couldn't even

50:41

believe what he was seeing, you know, because

50:44

I'm basically winning 95% of all

50:46

the hands. Okay,

50:51

so what happens is we're

50:54

down to those chips and

50:56

I'm not stacking them, I'm just piling them

50:58

on. I don't even know

51:00

how much is there, but I took the 75, I

51:03

made a little stack here. So

51:06

no way I'm losing anything. Yeah, yeah.

51:08

And I got a big pile of chips.

51:11

I go, okay, Archie, this is what we're gonna do. I

51:15

go, I'm gonna want a blackjack, okay? This is

51:17

how it's gonna go. I want the King

51:20

of Hearts and the Ace

51:22

of Spades in that order. How's

51:24

that sound? I go,

51:27

you could do that, can't you? And

51:29

I look at the pit boss, this lady who is

51:31

now like, she can't even believe it, you know. I

51:34

go, but I'll tell you what, honey, now

51:36

I'm not even, you know, now it's honey, you

51:38

know, which she hated. My name's not

51:41

honey, well to me, I don't know your name and I don't care,

51:43

but I'll tell you what I'll do. I

51:45

don't know what you make a year, but

51:48

I'll bet all this against

51:51

whatever it is you make, which,

51:53

well, what is it? 30

51:55

grand, 40 grand, whatever it is. I

51:58

go, I'll bet all this, I pull those cards. exactly

52:00

the way I said it. How's that sound, honey? And

52:03

she's like, we're not allowed

52:05

to be, okay, all right. Archie, when you give

52:08

me the king, you know,

52:10

do me a favor, because I like to

52:13

make a little sound effect. You

52:15

know, that's just the way I am. So

52:17

do it slow, like slow motion. You could

52:19

do that, right, Archie? It's your money. So

52:22

I go, all right, give me the king of hearts. St,

52:25

t, t, t, t, t, there's the king

52:27

of hearts. So

52:29

I go, isn't that amazing wheels? Look what I just

52:31

did, and I did it all by myself. All

52:35

by myself. And now I

52:37

look at the lady, I go, same

52:39

deal. All this for

52:42

your piddly pay. You

52:44

know. Ace

52:47

of spades. Now,

52:51

I go, they're watching. Your job's

52:53

over here. I go,

52:55

Archie, just give me the Ace

52:57

of spades, right? And there

52:59

it is. And wheels goes, oh

53:01

my fucking God, what the fuck is

53:04

that? You know, so

53:06

I said, Archie, you know, don't

53:08

even worry. Keep it all. Whatever

53:10

I won with the blackjack, I go, wheels, gather

53:12

this up, let's get out of here. I want

53:14

to go back to the pool. It

53:16

was about $455,000 in winnings. That's

53:21

after I give him that 75. And

53:24

he's shaking, carrying it out in

53:26

Manila envelopes, just hugging it.

53:31

And then in the car, in the

53:33

limo going back, I said, you know what, wheels,

53:35

just put your hand in and take

53:38

whatever you think the 20 was worth. And

53:40

he just grabs it, it was a $10,000 pack. I

53:43

go, you earned it. I

53:45

go, not bad for $20, right? Jesus

53:47

Christ. Yeah, those are the kind of

53:49

plays I would have. It

53:52

was ridiculous, you know. But

53:55

I quit. Because

53:57

I've been at tables with guys.

54:00

high roller guys super

54:02

aggressive for you like a very aggressive

54:05

not only with your bets but on what you're taking

54:07

hit where you're going for stuff that is against

54:10

the fucking sit you know the the the

54:12

book you're just going Tommy yeah yeah aggressive

54:15

what do you think aggressive as shit yeah

54:18

and I could play one hand or I

54:20

could play the whole table and you would

54:22

do that too there were times I would

54:24

pull all small cards break cards split cards

54:27

against the deal is break card okay

54:32

and I would just look at it like a three

54:34

and a two you know all

54:37

all across you know all hands and

54:40

you're talking about ten thousand on each hand I

54:43

go you know what I don't feel like thinking

54:45

right now so uh yeah

54:47

I think you're just gonna break so I'm

54:51

good and you could see

54:53

the dealer go wait a minute you don't want

54:55

to hit on a five you

54:57

know I'm showing a three yeah

54:59

you know I'm good you're gonna

55:01

break you know it's all good

55:04

I don't want to get greedy you got a

55:06

pair of aces dice yeah yeah no good

55:08

good for me right yeah look what I

55:10

got you know just go ahead just break and

55:13

pay me you know and they would

55:15

break you know

55:17

it was an amazing time but there were

55:19

also times and any gamble that it says

55:21

they they don't lose is just lying to

55:24

your face you know there were times I

55:26

could lose seven hundred thousand in a night

55:29

you know one time I was

55:31

I was sitting with my father this is

55:33

another win you know and

55:35

we're at valleys and it's late at

55:38

night and I'm losing but dicking around

55:40

and my father had like 35 grand

55:43

left and he goes well what are you doing

55:45

how late do you want to stay up you

55:48

know just beat him already you know I

55:51

go all right you know and I just

55:53

go and I'd say Bobby

55:55

Lee comes with me and make

55:58

him an opening act for what

56:00

reason I don't know, you know, because I

56:02

would have fun with him at the comedy

56:05

store and I'd always bump him, which I

56:07

always enjoyed doing. Of course, he'd flip out

56:09

and leave if I came in. It just

56:12

always seemed to be him that was on

56:14

deck. Yeah. And you know, whoever the man does,

56:17

you want to go on? Yeah. Yeah.

56:19

Fuck this. So of course he was like

56:21

that. I figured, yeah, let him open for

56:23

me. Yeah. So I bring him to Bally's.

56:27

Okay. And the first night

56:29

with there, he watches

56:31

me lose quickly a quarter

56:33

million dollars. And

56:35

you know how Bobby Lee likes to sit

56:38

like on a couch, but not on it,

56:41

on the top of it. And he's got

56:43

his little hat and his heads in his hands. And I

56:45

go, what is your problem?

56:47

He goes, I don't have money for breakfast. You

56:53

know, and you just lost all. I go,

56:56

Bobby, it's the first night. It's

56:59

the warmup. You know, he

57:01

actually told the story recently and he

57:03

told it wrong. Yeah. You know, that

57:05

I want to, you know, I want

57:07

to go looking for him and go,

57:09

why didn't you just tell the truth?

57:11

Because you know, I wound up winning

57:13

over a half a million that weekend.

57:15

So he made like it was just

57:17

a lose. Yeah. But it wasn't because

57:19

the next day I got that 250

57:21

back in 10 minutes. You

57:23

know, when you're playing huge figures, like

57:25

I talk about Dana White, you know,

57:28

it comes and goes in a minute.

57:30

These are, it's monopoly money at that

57:32

point. Right. It's not like, I'm going

57:34

to tell you the tourists, the asshole,

57:36

the asshole that got his two weeks

57:38

off from his job that saved up

57:41

$1,500, $1,500 scared fucking dollars.

57:46

This fucking farmer that comes with

57:48

his family and the kid in

57:50

the fucking stroller and the wife,

57:52

he bet. He's dead money. Leave

57:54

me the fuck alone. I lost

57:56

half of it already. You

57:58

can't play like that. You

58:00

know, I used to take $200 when

58:03

I played the dunes for Mitzi the

58:05

comedy store Okay, and

58:07

the comics would come running back to her

58:10

because she got 15

58:12

shows $1,500 that's what you got for the

58:14

week, you know, and there were five comics

58:16

on the show And she

58:18

had the dune showroom. I go out

58:21

in between shows and when 15,000 with 200 You

58:24

know, I just had a feel a

58:27

gut feel for cards Yeah, you know,

58:29

but it also comes a point. I don't

58:31

want to do this anymore You

58:33

know that that's what happened. So for 10 years

58:37

I didn't play You

58:39

know and I didn't smoke

58:41

cigarettes and then bottom line

58:44

is we got hit with the recession You

58:47

know and I needed money, you

58:49

know, we all go through through shit with

58:51

money, you know and

58:53

I called it the summer of hangover and

58:56

Eleanor was actually with me and I

58:59

went to Vegas and

59:01

I just beat every major

59:03

hotel I actually had

59:05

a house in Vegas at the time. I didn't

59:07

even stay there Every hotel

59:10

I had the biggest suite they had, you

59:12

know, you did this in like oh eight or

59:14

yeah No, no more like nine.

59:17

No, was it nine? Yeah, yeah, and

59:20

I was just I went

59:22

down I had another wife at the

59:24

time or girl who the fuck even

59:26

knows already, you know The only

59:28

one I care about is sitting up here. The

59:30

only one worth anything in my life is in

59:33

that room. So There

59:36

was no Coca-Cola. It was the M hotel

59:39

So I said I'll be right

59:41

up. I want to go down and grab some coke and

59:45

at the time I had like 35

59:48

grand in cash whatever and I

59:51

come up less than 15 minutes

59:53

and Did you get the coke? I go? Oh, yeah,

59:55

I won 90,000 and When

59:59

did you? We win the 90,000. I

1:00:02

go, the place was empty. I sat down

1:00:05

and I won every hand. And then when I lost a

1:00:07

hand, I walked away. I go, now

1:00:09

we have some money to play. And

1:00:12

that wound up, that whole thing wound up

1:00:14

a million, 150, in winnings. It's

1:00:19

just, but with gambling, it just goes around and

1:00:21

around. But you gotta play with balls is what

1:00:24

it sounds like. 100%

1:00:26

of, you don't have balls, don't play. Because

1:00:29

even if you have a winning day, that

1:00:31

could be that part where you start losing,

1:00:35

you can't back up. It's

1:00:37

gambling, that's why they're called gambling. It's

1:00:39

taking a chance. I

1:00:41

know when I get on stage, I'm gonna win, unless

1:00:44

I hate the crowd and then I start throwing people

1:00:46

out. They

1:00:49

always say, I've been with people who have

1:00:51

moved. I love comedy a lot more. I haven't

1:00:54

gambled in years now or smoked. I just

1:00:56

don't wanna. And

1:00:59

just really enjoying comedy. And I

1:01:01

enjoy telling the audiences how I

1:01:03

don't wanna hang with them. Like

1:01:05

I'm watching Dane Cook on

1:01:08

the reels, whatever,

1:01:11

and he's talking about how he'll spend a

1:01:13

lot of time with the fans. And

1:01:16

I love my fans, but I

1:01:19

don't wanna hang out with them. You

1:01:21

know what I mean? But I'll tell them

1:01:23

that. That's the ethical move.

1:01:27

That's the more respected thing, is the

1:01:29

guy who says the reality of it,

1:01:31

as opposed to like, I love to

1:01:33

hang out. A guy wrote to me

1:01:35

on one of those posts with the picture.

1:01:38

He wrote to me the other day and he said,

1:01:42

I'm coming to New York Christmas

1:01:44

time. Basically, is

1:01:46

there any way we could meet somewhere that

1:01:48

we could make a little video and I

1:01:51

could take the picture? I'm such a fan.

1:01:54

And I replied to him. I

1:01:56

said, I don't wanna

1:01:59

spend a half. half a second with you.

1:02:02

You know, you

1:02:04

know, I don't want to meet you. I don't want

1:02:06

to know you, you know, and he

1:02:09

wrote like, yeah, yes,

1:02:11

sir, you know, and then

1:02:13

I said maybe that's a little too hard.

1:02:16

I said you know what Christmas is

1:02:18

like a beautiful time in New

1:02:20

York and I do love

1:02:23

going to the tree lighting service

1:02:25

and being in a corner, you

1:02:28

know, with my girlfriend, maybe, you know,

1:02:31

having a little hot chocolate. I go,

1:02:33

I loved it so much last year

1:02:35

that, you know, I took

1:02:38

my girl to I wrote this to him, you know,

1:02:40

to the Radio City, you

1:02:43

know, Christmas show. Sure. And I go, but

1:02:45

you know, I'm only a few rows back

1:02:48

and you know, the Rockettes, you

1:02:50

know, kicking their fucking feet. Now I'm sitting

1:02:52

there with a bone, right? So

1:02:54

I stopped biting into a fucking neck

1:02:56

and working over her finger furnace, you

1:02:59

know, you know, you know,

1:03:01

and you just want to bang into the

1:03:03

popsock. You know what I mean? These fucking

1:03:05

Rockettes like what are you doing? I'm dripping

1:03:07

fluid here, you know, and

1:03:10

my sugar

1:03:12

plum I call her, she goes, they're

1:03:15

thinking it's me. I go,

1:03:18

no, but I'm not really writing

1:03:20

about you. You know, it's made

1:03:22

up. Yeah, but I love

1:03:24

when she thinks it's hot. I go, why

1:03:26

we got it a Christmas show? Did we

1:03:28

see the Rockettes? You know,

1:03:30

it's just funny. I like to be

1:03:33

outrageous to the fans. So

1:03:35

I love it, dude. Yeah, even on stage. I

1:03:37

love telling them, look, I'll give you everything I

1:03:39

got, you know, but

1:03:42

make no mistake. I

1:03:44

don't want to meet you. There's

1:03:46

a reason there's no meet and greets. Yeah. I

1:03:48

have nothing to say. What are you going to

1:03:50

show me? An old picture of me, sign

1:03:53

this, and then we take pictures

1:03:55

like we're asshole buddies. I don't want you

1:03:57

to touch me. I just

1:03:59

want to. make you laugh your balls off and

1:04:01

I want you out of my life forever. You

1:04:04

know what I mean? I

1:04:07

can't do a meet and greet either man. I can't do it. I'm

1:04:09

just like you in that sense. I don't want to

1:04:11

meet. What did they do to you? You've done them.

1:04:13

I've done them. So why'd you stop?

1:04:15

I hated it. I hated every second.

1:04:18

Why? What did they do to

1:04:20

you? Fucking diarrhea breath. You know

1:04:22

I want to tell you a story, tell you

1:04:24

a story about either another

1:04:26

time that they

1:04:28

had seen you or I've got a real

1:04:30

funny story to tell you and I'm like

1:04:32

fucking aint. The funny story.

1:04:34

The funny story comes or

1:04:37

yeah just like yeah people you know

1:04:39

too intimate like on you. I

1:04:41

don't enjoy it. Now the

1:04:44

thing is I've said this for years so what happens is

1:04:46

in public people come up to me and they go I

1:04:48

know you hate people. I go I don't hate people. And

1:04:52

they're like I can see you hating people.

1:04:54

I can see you a little bit. When

1:05:00

somebody asks me for a photo and I'm

1:05:02

always like yeah sure man no problem whatever

1:05:04

like you know passing around walking down the

1:05:07

street or whatever but an organized meet and

1:05:09

greet just isn't for me. I

1:05:12

experienced it to the point where I was like I don't

1:05:14

enjoy this. I don't want to do

1:05:16

it. So I just stopped doing it

1:05:19

years ago. You see I

1:05:21

with me you know

1:05:23

because of my attitude

1:05:25

on stage. They get

1:05:27

handsy. Yeah. They'll put me

1:05:30

in headlocks or try to.

1:05:33

And you know so I've had

1:05:35

a lot of physical altercations. Really. Yeah.

1:05:39

And I had a guy. Oh man.

1:05:42

Eleanor had to get in between. You know Eleanor's

1:05:44

tough. She'll fight. She loves to fight.

1:05:47

I don't know if you know that about her. I

1:05:49

didn't know that. I did in South Philly. Ten brothers

1:05:51

and sisters. One time a

1:05:53

guy flicked the cigarette at me at

1:05:55

the 7-Eleven on Sunset. Right

1:05:58

through to. a

1:06:00

bum, like a straight bum, here's your fucking

1:06:02

cigarette. And he flicks it at me through

1:06:04

the window. So I gotta get

1:06:06

out, I gotta bare temper. Eleanor, I

1:06:09

had the long Cadillac brome, big white brome.

1:06:12

She comes flying across the hood like Starsky

1:06:14

and Hutch. I'm not even gonna, and punches

1:06:16

the guy in the chest, you

1:06:19

know, because she knows I can't have a

1:06:21

lawsuit, you know, that way. And,

1:06:23

but yeah, lots of fights. And Eleanor would

1:06:25

get into, you know. And, um.

1:06:27

So you cut those off though, the meet and greet.

1:06:29

You cut it off too. Yeah, well, you know, you

1:06:33

know, I remember, yeah. Guy

1:06:35

grabs me like hard on the, forget

1:06:37

that one. This is the best. Yeah.

1:06:40

So it's a muscle guy, you

1:06:42

know. And no matter what, I don't know if

1:06:44

he's tough, but they're strong, no matter what. Yeah.

1:06:47

He's taller than me, but I mean a real

1:06:49

muscle guy, like with the traps. Yeah, yeah. You

1:06:51

know, this is what he does, a bodybuilder. And

1:06:54

his girlfriend. So we would

1:06:56

sell T-shirts and then they take a picture.

1:06:59

And Eleanor would snap the picture. And

1:07:02

all of a sudden,

1:07:05

now I know how, all

1:07:07

right, I feel a

1:07:09

hand going up the crack of my ass. Stop.

1:07:13

You know, I'm not even kidding, it's the guy. And

1:07:15

he goes like this. At

1:07:19

first you don't realize what's happening. Yeah, you

1:07:21

got shocked. Because am I feeling, now I

1:07:23

know what girls talk about when they say

1:07:25

they've been harassed or they touched them. You

1:07:28

know, it's awful. It bothered me

1:07:30

for a while, but I snap out and

1:07:32

I go after the guy. But Eleanor gets

1:07:35

in between to make sure the fight doesn't

1:07:37

happen. Because he could have had

1:07:39

somebody filming it. You know, nobody's

1:07:41

gonna see him do that with his hand up

1:07:43

my ass. And it

1:07:45

was like embarrassing also. It's like, you

1:07:47

know, I'm dice and you got your

1:07:49

hand in the crack of my ass.

1:07:51

Not even your girlfriend. You. You

1:07:54

know, guys are worse than me, with

1:07:56

me, than women. Across the board, I

1:07:58

think. You know. I

1:10:00

mean like my dream was never

1:10:02

to do a Woody Allen movie right then against

1:10:04

them, but I'm not a woody freak sure

1:10:06

You know I mean I love some of his

1:10:08

movies like Broadway Danny Rose is one of my

1:10:10

favorites But it's like I didn't you

1:10:13

know I love acting I didn't even want to do

1:10:15

comedy I wanted to be an actor right we'll

1:10:17

talk about that next time maybe and um

1:10:21

But that's why I was have on stage as

1:10:23

a comic you know to develop acting chops Radling

1:10:26

going to acting school once a week Be

1:10:28

on a stage every night and develop my own

1:10:30

method of acting Mm-hmm and um

1:10:33

so anyway I look at the two

1:10:35

pages and I look at her and

1:10:37

I go all right Let's go in you know and

1:10:40

she goes. It's woody Allen. You don't want to Take

1:10:43

some time. I go. I gotta

1:10:45

catch a plane You know you

1:10:47

know the guy either digs me or he doesn't you know

1:10:50

and I come in and the the funny

1:10:52

thing with woody is When you do the

1:10:54

audition he's not sitting in the chair He'll

1:10:56

stand like right here with this where

1:10:59

this is and watch me, and you

1:11:01

do the scene you know like

1:11:03

this just Like this and

1:11:06

I said if you want you know I could do it a little

1:11:08

different if you want to give me a little direct He goes no

1:11:10

that was there that was perfect You

1:11:13

know and I leave great meeting you

1:11:15

you know I'm pleasant that way. I'm not

1:11:17

on stage now you know But

1:11:21

I will say when I got the text

1:11:23

I was at my Vegas house there was

1:11:25

I was alone There was nobody to even

1:11:27

tell Then I'm walking around

1:11:29

the house like in a circle going I

1:11:31

got a woody Allen movie Yeah, I got

1:11:33

it that happened because I saw you got

1:11:36

the it was from my man So

1:11:38

I knew what it was gonna say and that

1:11:40

was thrilling. I mean to you know Peter

1:11:44

saws gone and Kate Blanchett and what about

1:11:46

on set? What was he like like when

1:11:48

you were on set with like you know

1:11:50

what you don't really? Bother

1:11:54

with him much you know

1:11:56

and You

1:11:59

know He'll tell you what he wants,

1:12:02

but you know, it

1:12:04

was pretty, I

1:12:06

knew the part, I understood the part.

1:12:09

You know, Sally

1:12:12

Hawkins played my wife in that and

1:12:15

you know, I also had my older son with me

1:12:17

who at that time was about, I don't know, I

1:12:20

don't know, 21 or 22 and so I would tell him because

1:12:26

he knows me better than Woody. So

1:12:28

I got him to stand near the

1:12:30

monitor with Woody, you know,

1:12:33

and I go, you just tell me what I got

1:12:35

to do, you know, and so

1:12:38

that was one scene. So the

1:12:40

first scene, I go, the one little

1:12:42

dicey moment is when I like the

1:12:44

cigarette. I'll use a Zippo, you

1:12:46

know. So he comes up, Woody

1:12:48

tells me what he wants to tell me in between,

1:12:51

now here comes my son. He goes, all

1:12:53

right, everything's perfect. He goes,

1:12:55

lift the lighter a little higher. They're

1:12:58

not seeing the lighter. I'm

1:13:01

going, okay, I got it. Because we wanted

1:13:03

to get the flick of the lighter. Yeah. You

1:13:06

know, so I was down here rather than up here. And

1:13:09

then he comes over again and he goes,

1:13:11

perfect. I don't even know

1:13:13

why they're doing another take. Wow. You

1:13:15

know, yeah, so he sort of directed me

1:13:18

through that movie. Yeah. Like

1:13:21

I listened to Woody, but I know my son knows

1:13:23

me better and I was, you

1:13:25

know, my relationship in that movie was,

1:13:28

you know, I'm with Sally

1:13:30

and she divorces me, which

1:13:33

I was already divorced from his mother. So

1:13:36

he knows my emotion. Yeah, yeah.

1:13:38

Was like that. So, yeah, I

1:13:40

got to work, you know, Star

1:13:42

is Born, Bradley Cooper, Gaga, you

1:13:45

know, these are great films and

1:13:47

Scorsese, amazing. I

1:13:50

changed every word of every scene. Did

1:13:52

you really? And I

1:13:54

would call him, we just got

1:13:56

along like, you know, the minute we met,

1:13:59

like, yeah, like we. been hanging out for

1:14:01

30 years. And he just

1:14:03

loved where I went with the with

1:14:05

the part and he goes we're gonna

1:14:07

go oh look at it and

1:14:09

I'll listen and then I'll tell you what I I

1:14:12

love it I love it do it that's the way we're

1:14:14

doing it. That's how

1:14:17

it worked. Wow. Yeah he was he

1:14:19

was a myth that's why he's Scorsese

1:14:21

because he'll let an actor really dig

1:14:23

deep into a character and

1:14:26

I only did a few scenes in

1:14:28

vinyl but they were in ten scenes.

1:14:30

Yeah. You know and when I handed

1:14:33

when when I gave

1:14:35

Bobby kind of vow Woody Allen

1:14:37

told me give Bobby the new

1:14:39

lines from handwritten you

1:14:42

know with a sharpie full

1:14:44

capital letters and

1:14:46

Bobby's looking at me in Scorsese thinking it's

1:14:49

a joke and he's going so

1:14:51

I'm gonna ignore Terrence winter

1:14:54

and just do a dice wrote and

1:14:57

Scorsese's like Bobby go have

1:14:59

your lunch learn the lines and that's how we're

1:15:01

doing it. Wow. He's looking like

1:15:03

Bobby would come over to me the greatest

1:15:05

guy by the way Bobby kind of out

1:15:07

yeah one of the great actors amazing and

1:15:09

he goes were

1:15:12

you and Marty like tight before

1:15:14

this shoot and I

1:15:16

go no because why

1:15:18

you at his house I've never been to

1:15:21

his house I

1:15:23

don't know what to tell you that's amazing because

1:15:26

I feel the two of you were goofing on

1:15:28

me yeah you know but all

1:15:30

these you know this stuff I

1:15:32

wanted to do when I was a kid you

1:15:35

know I really didn't get to do

1:15:37

because I went through cancel

1:15:39

culture before it had a name yeah

1:15:42

I was the only one really you really are

1:15:45

and so I did

1:15:47

get blackballed in the film industry

1:15:50

for years till around

1:15:52

2010 and then

1:15:55

I got to live every dream I stuck

1:15:57

to my guns got to work with the

1:15:59

greatest